Friday, October 28, 2011

Out And About The Abbottsville Fourth

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: Millie Loomis, self appointed ward society columnist
Subject: Ward society page debut!

Dear fellow ward members,

Out of the goodness of my heart, I've agreed to pen a ward society column. It will be a fun, lighthearted piece dedicated to keeping us all connected. Enjoy!

Out and About the Abbottsville Fourth Ward
by Millie Loomis
It's amazing what a sister learns when she's out and about the ward. For example, the Sorensons have a new car! (They're leasing.) The Turleys finally have all of their kids out of diapers (for now.) And Brother and Sister Payson took a romantic trip to Hawaii. (For the record, the Paysons want me to report that this was a FREE vacation bought with points earned through Brother Payson's business travel. Also, they attended all of their church meetings, visited the Hawaii temple, read their scriptures, and spent only one hour on the beach.)
Kimmie Madsen, Tyler Smith, and Derek Young all turned 8 this month and were baptized and confirmed members of the one and only true church. Unfortunately, Petey Skousen's baptism had to be delayed because of his pants-wetting problem. But as soon as he proves he can control his bladder for a sustained period, he will be allowed to wade into the font to be washed clean of his sins.
The Relief Society is proud to report they achieved 100% Visiting Teaching this month. Every single sister was visited, including poor Sister Banta. (Her Visiting Teachers were smart this time and dropped by in the early AM -- before she'd consumed too many cocktails.) 
Likewise, the Elders Quorum is proud to report that all 23 of it's members have successfully impregnated their wives. -- Even Brother Russell, whose sperm count has recovered since he gave up porn. : )
Also, I have finally gotten to the bottom of that embarrassing coffee pot sighting in the Belnap household. It turns out that Sister Belnap's mother is a non-member who insists on drinking coffee when she visits. The Belnaps want everyone in the ward to know that they would never tolerate such rudeness if Sister Belnap wasn't the sole heir to her mother's enormous fortune.
The Vincents had a scare this month when they learned that their son, Davey Vincent, had a date with a non-member! Acting on the authority of his priesthood, Brother Vincent immediately rushed him to the ER to check for STD's. Thankfully, the boy is fine. Whew! It was a close call, though.
And, on a sad note, Sister Viola Dixon, age 89, passed peacefully into the next life last Thursday. She left behind 6 children, 42 grandchildren, 102 great-grandchildren, and a 60 year supply of bottled cherries. The ward took the fermented jars over to poor Sister Banta.
And that's the news from Out and About the Abbottsville Fourth
**If you don't want to be mentioned in this column, I suggest you lock all your doors, shutter your windows, disconnect your phone, and unplug your computer.**

If you would like to stop receiving these emails, ditto the above.


  1. I saw Sister Mary Brown working out in a tank top and was about to call the bishop. But on closer inspection she was wearing a flesh colored tee under the tank. Phew!

    Good work Sister Brown...keep up the modest is hottest workouts!

  2. Are Mormons into public humiliation like this? And can fermented cherries be used as garnish in Sister Banta's cocktails?

  3. Very funny!! Another good one, Donna. I like where Ahad asked if Mormons are into public humiliation like this. He must be a NeverMo.

  4. Heather, while I am relieved that Sister Brown was indeed wearing a tee, I'm concerned that she chose the flesh tone -- isn't that akin to the appearance of evil? ;)

    Ahab, for the first time in her life, the Abbottsville Fourth Ward has given Sister Banta something she truly needs. She will absolutely garnish her cocktails with fermented cherries -- the ones she starts drinking at 8AM. snort!

    Diane, yes, Ahab is, thankfully, a nevermo, and is therefore unfamiliar with our former penchant for humiliating each other. However, he has a twisted religious history of his own which is no doubt why he identifies with the silliness on this blog. :)

    Thanks for stopping by guys!

  5. Too funny.

    I have to tell you something that a dear friend told me recently. She and her family are not Mormon but live not too far from me. Her son plays sports for a local high school. Turns out all his Mormon teammates asked non-Mormon girls to Homecoming because they wanted to "get some." They figured they'd save the Mormon girls for after their missions.


  6. Cognitive Dissenter -- Suddenly, that Mormon apple tree meme going around the internet has context. If boys have been taught to view non-Mormon girls as "rotten" apples, is it any surprise that those boys act this way? Pigs is right!

    Diane -- I'm an ex-Catholic, an escapee from a similarly twisted belief system.

  7. CD, so how do the non-mo girls react? Do the Mormon boys really "get some?" snort!

    Ahab, thanks for being twisted! (meaning I love reading your insightful blog.)

  8. Donna, I didn't hear about the outcome. I like to fantasize that a few non-Mormon girls kicked a few di**s.

    Ahab, aye!

  9. CD, you summed it up right -- pigs!