Abbottsville 4th Prepares for Post Dehlin Excommunication Riots

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: Brother J. "Bull" Barton, Ward Preparedness Specialist
Subject: Ward Preparedness Update

In preparation for John Dehlin's disciplinary council this Sunday, I am increasing the Ward Threat Level to RED.

I have never met Dehlin personally, visited his website, or viewed any of his Mormon Stories podcasts.

However, according to my research, Mormon Stories is a forum where disgruntled anti-Mormons promote their evil agenda of gay marriage, Ordain Women, evolution, so-called "life after Mormonism," mito-something-or-other DNA, and other whiny, subversive nonsense that only serves to undermine the straight, white patriarchal way of life the Brethren insist we know and love.

In the event of this Tool of Satan's excommunication, and the inevitable rioting that will follow, all ward members are advised to lock your doors, board up your windows and brace yourselves for the onslaught of blood-thirsty feminists, gays, and intellectuals intent on their usual mischief: looting, murdering, masturbating, and boasting about "life after Mormonism."

As always, every ward member should have on hand a 1 year supply of food, a hazmat suit, at least 2 handguns, 4 rolls of duct tape, and a gallon of consecrated oil. Also scriptures, the Ensign, dominoes, Yahtzee!, Twister, and other diversions to help kill time in the bunker.

In the event that John Dehlin is not excommunicated or disfellowshipped this Sunday, all ward members are instructed to abort the above mission and the Relief Society is ordered to bake Brother Dehlin some cookies.

This concludes this Ward Preparedness Update.

If you would like to stop receiving these emails we'll assume you're silly enough to believe there is such a thing as "life after Mormonism."

--Also congratulations to X-Mormon of the Year 2014, Kate Kelly! And there's still time to nominate your favorite Mormon-themed blogs for a Brodie Award.

There's Nothing Fun About Sex!

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: J. "Bull" Barton, Ward Preparedness Specialist
Subject: Sex is not for fun!

Thanks to Tea Party activist, Jerome Corsi, I have decided to lower the ward threat level to orange. A nonmember, but nevertheless a champion of traditional marriage, Corsi made the following inspired observation before a conservative gathering in Oregon:

“If you want to have fun, read a book, go to a movie. Sex is about the procreation of children. It’s a sacred responsibility that is meant by God to have men and women commit their lifetime to children.”

As members of the one and only true church, we have always known there are plenty of things that are funner than sex. Recently, the Brethren compiled a list of alternative activities. Here is an excerpt:

Church Approved Alternatives to Sex

1. Read a book
2. Watch a movie
3. Tinker in your garage
4. Macrame
5. Rearrange the furniture
6. Take pictures of old barns
7. Watch FOXNews
8. Whittle
9. Tend your bonsai
10. Pay your tithing
11. Eat prunes
12. Complete a jigsaw puzzle
13. Scrapbook
14. Watch General Conference
15. Yahtzee!

The complete list is available as a 175 MB PDF file and may be downloaded off the church website.

This concludes this ward preparedness update.

If you would like to stop receiving these emails, we suggest you get out a jigsaw puzzle.

A-4 Cracks Down On Tolerance Crimes

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: J. "Bull" Barton, Ward Preparedness Specialist
Subject: Ward Preparedness Update

Because of Boyd K. Packer's recent revision of the Beatitudes, as well as a local increase in tolerance chatter, I have decided to raise the ward threat level to RED.

Originally a Utah phenomenon, a growing number of tolerance groups have formed in the outlying wards and stakes throughout the mission field, including here in Abbottsville. Bent on forcing their tolerance agenda on faithful Latter-day Saints, these tolerance cells are capable of all forms of tolerant crimes and mischief. I advise all ward members to remain calm, be vigilant, and report all acts of tolerance.

My newly expanded Ward Preparedness team has been hard at work monitoring ward telephone lines, members' emails, and local LDS chat rooms. Over the past 24 hours, we've detected a shocking number of tolerant-leaning chatter. Here are some of the conversational "red flags" we've uncovered:

• "Shouldn't the job go to the one who's the most qualified?"
• "Have any new ideas?"
• "But it's what's inside a person that counts."
• "It's really none of our business."
• "Why don't we put it to a vote?"
• "She makes a lot of sense."
• "But they love each other."

So far, the individuals guilty of these these suspicious comments have merely been added to a Tolerance Watch List. However, if tolerant activity increases, some may have to be removed from society for treatment, as is the current practice in Utah. The following is an excerpt from a recent in-depth story on the subject from Utah's only source for real news, The Utah Honeypot:

"Two types of treatment are typically the most successful. Tolerance addicts can choose from a fear-based approach that employs mind-altering drugs and intense cable news exposure to drill fear of gays, non-white ethnicities, and political outliers into the minds of patients in order to help them produce automatic fear responses when confronted with people who are different from themselves. This fear should lead to unquantifiable hatred, the hallmark of successful detolerance therapy. -- Those seeking a more holistic approach can work to develop artificial love for people with differing backgrounds which allows them to feel profound pity for anyone who doesn’t yet believe exactly as they do."

In conclusion, from this moment forward, the Abbottsville Fourth Ward will have zero-tolerance for the tolerant.

In addition, I advise all ward members to have on hand the requisite 4 rolls of duct tape, 2 hazmat suits, a gallon jug of consecrated oil, 2 handguns, and scriptures, The Ensign, Twister and Yahtzee! to amuse yourselves in the bunker.

This concludes this Ward Preparedness Update.

If you would like to stop receiving these emails, you're probably an intellectual, a gay person, or one of those women who thinks she makes sense.

Check out my recent post on Ex-Mormon Mavens!

Utah Congressman Saves America

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: Brother J. "Bull" Barton, Ward Preparedness Specialist
Subject: Ward Preparedness Update

Thanks to the recent publication of Seven Miracles That Made America Great by the beloved patriot and recently elected congressman, Arlen Jamison (R-Utah), I have decided to lower the Ward Threat Level to ORANGE.

Up until now, our children's view of our nation's history has been formed by the feminists, gays and intellectuals who authored the text books distributed in our public schools. Finally we have a volume that will teach them the real story. And just in time to save our future generations.

Meticulously referenced, Seven Miracles That Made America Great describes in painstaking detail and absolute accuracy the 7 authentic miracles that made America what it is today.

________

Chapter headings:

1. The Miracle of the Declaration of Independence
2. The Miracle of the US Constitution
3. The Miracle of the Lever Action Repeating Rifle
4. The Miracle of High Fructose Corn Syrup
5. The Miracle of Technicolor
6. The Miracle of President Reagan's Strategic Naps
7. The Miracle of Forrest Gump

Excerpt from Chapter 2:

Silas Baxter trudged toward home after another frustrating session of the Constitutional Convention. A squirrel scampered across his path, and in the distance a horse whinnied.¹ Meanwhile, the sun made its slow demise into the horizon.  

A gas light flickered at his neighbor's window. Inside Ebenezer Mathers had just flipped to page 42 of Izaak Walton's The Compleat Angler--the section about the live worm.² 

Unfortunately Silas had no time for such diversion. He was about the business of forming the constitution. 

Standing for righteousness. Liberty. Freedom. The American way.

She was waiting at the doorway, a cotton shawl around her shoulders.³ "Hi honey, how was your day?"

He looked up at her familiar dark eyes, her soft full ruby lips, and that comely figure he'd memorized inch by inch.⁴ "Very discouraging. Mr. Franklin insists on abolishing slavery, while the delegates from the South refuse to give it up. I'm torn between the two sides."

She nodded and made that little pouty face that always drove him wild. "Oh honey, you're such a softy. Feeling sorry for the poor slaves. But shouldn't your first concern be straight white men? I mean, without the necessary legislative safeguards, what will become of you?"

Silas looked to the heavens for an answer. A ferruginous hawk circled the sky. It had a deformed talon.

Then the inspiration struck. "By george you're right! First things first. And who knows? In the years to come God might change his mind about Black people."⁵

1. Author's imagination
2. Senator Crapo's recent LSD trip.
3. Seven Miracles That Saved America, page 237.
4. Seven Examples of the World's Worst Writing, page 1.
5. Book of Mormon Musical, Act II.

________

I advise all ward members to have at least 3 copies of this essential reading on hand. Also the requisite 4 rolls of duct tape, 2 hazmat suits, a gallon jug of consecrated oil, 2 handguns, and scriptures, The Ensign, Twister and Yahtzee! to amuse yourselves in the bunker.

This concludes this Ward Preparedness Update.

If you would like to stop receiving these emails, you probably just need to play a good game of Yahtzee!

LDS Rush In To Help Storm "Victims" (Even Though It's Their Fault)

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: Brother J. "Bull" Barton, Ward Preparedness Specialist
Subject: Ward Preparedness Update -- The "victims" of Hurricane Sandy

Due to the disastrous East Coast super storm that was brought on by the region's feminists, gays, and intellectuals, I have decided to maintain the Ward Threat Level at RED.

As always, every ward member should have on hand a 1 year supply of food, a hazmat suit, at least 2 handguns, 4 rolls of duct tape, and a gallon of consecrated oil. Also scriptures, the Ensign, dominoes,Yahtzee!, Twister, and other diversions to help kill time in the bunker.

After all, we reside in that infamous hotbed of evil sinners, otherwise known as the Left Coast, and must take extreme measures to protect our way of life. The feminists, gays, and intellectuals have us surrounded, and they are up to their usual mischief: looting, murdering, masturbating, causing high tides, torrential rain and flooding, and then blaming the whole thing on global warming.

Nevertheless, it seems there are an alarming number of bleeding hearts in our ward who actually want to send help to the "victims" on the East Coast who caused the whole thing in the first place. Even more alarming, I hear that many of you are prepared to give to what is surely the most scurrilous and sleazy scam ever concocted: The American Red Cross.

Don't Do It Abbottsville Fourth!

Think about it. The American Red Cross is asking people to donate money and give blood. HA! Who do they think they're fooling? Not Brother J. "Bull" Barton, that's for sure.

Instead of the Red Cross, I urge members of the Abbottsville Fourth Ward to donate to a far more honest and responsible relief organization: The Romney Campaign.

Even as we speak, the former governor is tirelessly collecting canned goods to send to the "victims" -- in open defiance of the selfish requests of the Red Cross. 

Send a check to the Red Cross and you've no idea where the money will go. Send a check to Romney and you can supply a displaced family in Queens with an entire case of creamed corn.

In that spirit, I advise all members to search their food storage for leftovers to send to the "victims." (This could be a great way to weed out items that are past their expiration date.) In addition to food, I will also be collecting hazmat suits, duct tape, gallon jugs of consecrated oil, spare handguns, back issues of The Ensign, and Yahtzee!

Finally, thanks to us, real relief will be on its way to the "victims." Even though they caused the whole thing themselves.

If you would like to stop receiving these emails, we'll assume it's because you're exhausted after causing the hurricane.

**Also thanks to Ahab for posting the above link that in turn helped to inspire this post.

Super Fun Ward Transvaginal Ultrasound Activity!

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: Brother J. "Bull" Barton, Ward Preparedness Specialist
Subject: Ward Preparedness Update

Due to the decline of modest dress at BYU, increased chatter over female reproductive rights, and the scurrilous anti-Mormons in the media who claim Romney isn't a "regular guy," I have decided to maintain the Ward Threat Level at RED.

As always, every ward member should have on hand a 1 year supply of food, a hazmat suit, at least 2 handguns, 4 rolls of duct tape, and a gallon of consecrated oil. Also scriptures, the Ensign, dominoes, Yahtzee!, Twister, and other diversions to help kill time in the bunker.

Additionally, because we reside in that infamous hotbed of college-educated snobs, otherwise known as the 9th Circuit, we must take extreme measures to protect our way of life. The feminists, gays, and intellectuals have us surrounded, and they are up to their usual mischief: looting, murdering, masturbating,  sending their kids to college, and advocating that a woman should be in charge of her body.

Desperate times call for desperate actions. For this reason, I have issued the following order:

Every female over the age of 14 is to report to the ward cultural hall this Saturday at 17:00 for a mandatory vaginal sonogram ... 

JUST IN CASE!

(The High Priest Quorum should arrive 10 minutes ahead of time to be trained on the machines.)

Sisters, we regret any inconvenience this may cause you. But, for the sake of your dignity, we must insist that you strip from the waist down, slide your feet into the stirrups, spread your thighs, and submit to our Priesthood Authority. We've only your best interests at heart.

Afterward, there will be a super-yummy ward potluck catered by the Relief Society.

This concludes this Ward Preparedness Update.

Your fellow patriot,
Bull Barton

If you would like to stop receiving these emails, we'll assume you're one of those snobs.


Also, don't forget that chanson is still collecting nominations for X-Mormon of the Year!

Occupy Temple Square Movement Gains Momentum

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward

From: Brother J. "Bull" Barton, Ward Preparedness Specialist
Subject: Ward Preparedness EMERGENCY Update


I interrupt your ward activities with this EMERGENCY Update!! Please read the following alarming article and be prepared to defend your households against the influx of these evil elements into our community.
___________________

Utah Lifestyle Magazine

Kristen Pace, Utah Lifestyle Staff Writer

SALT LAKE CITY -- When I joined the energized Occupy Temple Square protest on Sunday, I couldn't help but marvel that it all began less than two weeks ago at a Relief Society Personal Enrichment Night in Woods Cross. Who knew then that Sister Lydia Moss's weepy reaction to her craft project would spawn such a phenomenon.

I found Ms. Moss and her fellow Relief Society Sisters gathered on the square around a placard that read, Our 10% Goes To The Top 1%.

"When I looked down at my assigned project, I was overcome with profound sadness," said Moss. "Then the sadness turned to fear. Fear that my entire life might be defined by the sickening craft in front of me. Then my fear turned to anger, and I rose up and shouted, "I DON'T WANT TO MAKE A PAPER-MACHE PIG!"

"The mood in the Relief Society room was electric," said Georgina Walsh. "It was like an awakening. We were all crying and hugging." 

"That pig was truly the ugliest thing I've ever seen," said a sister who identified herself as "Bra Strap." 

"Then we had this epiphany," said Moss. "We realized that if we didn't have to pay tithing, we could go to Pottery Barn and buy some really cute things for our houses. That made us question. Why do we pay tithing? Where does all that money go?"

"It sure as shootin' doesn't trickle down to us," remarked Bra Strap. "We've got to clean the ward toilets and invent ways to make our houses attractive using glitter pens and duct tape. Meanwhile the fat cats on Temple Square are building fancy condos and shopping malls." 

Ms. Walsh, known to her friends as a shy and soft-spoken person, became uncharacteristically animated. "I asked my husband Rulon why the church doesn't disclose its finances. He told me because they obviously spend their money on maintaining the buildings and providing services for the church members."

"Didn't Rulon paint the ward cultural hall last week?" Moss asked her.

"Yes and nobody paid him for it," Walsh replied, then her eyes widened. "You know, I don't think my Rulon is very smart."


"So right then we decided to occupy Temple Square," Moss said proudly. "We've been here ever since." 


The movement has grown to the hundreds, and it's no longer just women. Gays and intellectuals have joined in the protest.


A man who called himself  "Queer Sex Fiend," held up a sign that read I'm OUT!  "I don't want to be part of an organization whose sole purpose seems to be keeping me from getting laid," he said, then sighed. "Am I being selfish?" 


Meanwhile, Eugene Spellman PhD, had set up a telescope outside of the yurt he constructed on South Temple. I asked him why he was here and he shot me a sarcastic look. "I came to get a glimpse of Kolob, of course."


Because protesters are not allowed on Temple Square, the crowds were relegated to the heavily guarded perimeters. Nevertheless, some have slipped past LDS Church Security. Most notably, a group of anonymous BYU coeds who disguised themselves as brides, waded into the reflecting pool, stripped off their gowns, and splashed around in nothing but brief bikinis. 


The so-called "Bikini Rebellion" was spearheaded by an anonymous blogger who calls herself  "Jane Mo." In an email exchange, Jane wrote, "At BYU, we can't wear anything that shows our shape, much less reveals any skin. It's not fair that we should have to cover up, especially when we're such total hotties." The increasing number of women who now bare (almost) all has set up camp outside of Bruno's, a popular micro-brewery next to the square. "We're not backing down," Jane continued. "Not even in bad weather. We're too determined. Also, the guys at Bruno's promise they'll keep us warm."


The Occupy Movement has even extended to children. I found 10 year old Melissa Young outside the Eagle Gate dressed in her Spongebob Squarepants costume. "I wanted to be Spongebob for Halloween, but my stake president said no transgender costumes," she whined, then stamped her foot. "It was the last straw." Six year old Billy Marks stood at her side. He held up a sign that read, Why Can't I Be "Just a Kitty?"


At presstime, the Movement continues to multiply its ranks. In response the LDS Church General Relief Society Presidency has issued the following statement: 

"The Occupy Temple Square Movement may attempt to entertain for an evening or two, but a paper mache pig can bring a lifetime of enjoyment."

If you would like to stop receiving these emails, we'll send you some glitter pens and a roll of duct tape.

It's Relief Society Book Club Time!

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward

From: Susan Renfro, Ward Relief Society President

Subject: August Book Club Meeting

Dear Sisters,

Please choose from the following titles:

Go Sit in the Corner

for women

Latter-day Saint sisters can prepare for another interesting read this August with the choice of the following titles from Go Sit in the Corner for women.

Fun With Freeze-Dried Cheese!

and other super creative recipes from your food storage.

by

Rita Marie Dastrup

LDS preparedness specialist and self proclaimed "foodie," Rita Dastrup, suggests clever ways to implement items from our food storage into everyday meals so that when the impending calamity occurs, our families will be accustomed to how bad everything tastes.

Alana's List

by

Clarice Samuelson

Marriage is the last thing on 18 year old Alana Baxter's mind. Not until she finishes "her list," that is. She doesn't care how many of her friends, family, and fellow ward members have taken the plunge. She's won't consider being tied down until she's completed her list of "must do's," a collection of ambitious goals that includes staying out past curfew, visiting Idaho, riding in a taxi cab, having a gay friend, and learning how to cook sushi. Then the tall, dark, and handsome returned missionary, Rulon Humbolt, walks into her life and sends that list of hers into the recycle.

Hie to Zarahemla

by

T. J. Benson, PhD

Sixteen year old Thad Hatch turns his dad's old Chevy Vega into a time machine that takes him back to the Book of Mormon land of Zarahemla. Eager for an exciting, swashbuckling adventure, Thad immediately signs on to join the Lamanites in their battle against the Gadianton Robbers!  -- Only he ends up spending most of his time searching for his horse.

One Sister's Quiet Desperation

by

Joan Allred

Sister Joan Allred recalls the private hell she endured upon learning her son suffered from same-sex attraction. Follow her heart wrenching journey beginning with her desperate efforts to call him to repentance, then her frustrating and failed efforts to cure him, and finally her brave decision to cut him off entirely for the sake of her family. Read how this exemplary LDS woman emerged from the experience with a strengthened testimony, a determination to never see her son in this life or the next, and the realization that the whole thing is her fault.

If you would like to stop receiving these emails, our Ward Preparedness Specialist, Brother "Bull" Barton will stop by with a Freeze-Dried Cheese Variety Kit just for you.

New Yorkers Flee To Save Their Marriages

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: Brother J. "Bull" Barton, Ward Preparedness Specialist
Subject: Providing shelter for the refugees

Due to the continuing success of The Book of Mormon on Broadway, increased chatter over same sex marriage, and the alarming number of LDS young people who want to have "too much fun," I am maintaining the Ward Threat Level at RED.


Additionally, because of the recent legalization of same sex marriage in New York, ward members must prepare for the inevitable onslaught of refugees fleeing the Empire State in order to protect their traditional marriages. 

In the words of T. Raymond Benson, President of the Pooghkeepsie Stake:

"A traditional marriage like mine cannot survive in an atmosphere where any two people can wed just because they love each other."

New York gays may begin marrying as early as this month, leaving their hetero counterparts little time to escape before their marriages spontaneously combust.  We must prepare for casualties as well as all manner of injury.


Accordingly, the Abbottsville Ward Cultural Hall has been converted to a Basic Triage Unit where incoming marriages may be divided and tagged in the following categories:

Minor -- Delayed -- Immediate -- Morgue 

As always, every ward member is advised to have on hand a one year supply of food, a hazmat suit, at least 2 hand guns, 4 rolls of duct tape, and a gallon jug of consecrated oil. Also, the Abbottsville Temple will remain open 24 hours a day for the performing of traditional marriages. 

Be diligent, brothers and sisters. There's no telling how many evil-doers will rush in to thwart our valiant effort to rescue New York's traditional marriages. Ward members should brace themselves for an onslaught of feminists, gays, and intellectuals intent on looting, murdering, masturbating, declaring Hawaii a state, and putting off marriage to have too much fun. 

Remember that we are the target and nowhere is safe. We must gird our loins, take on the whole armor of God, be brave, and address this crisis in the dignified and stoical manner for which we are now famous.

If you would like to stop receiving these e-mails, you may instead be subjected to multiple viewings of Hot Rods To Hell.

Ward Threat Level Increase!

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward

From: Brother J. "Bull" Barton, Ward Preparedness Specialist
Subject: Ward Preparedness Update

No fair. I never get to have fun.

Due to the recent cancellation of Glenn Beck's TV show, increased chatter over same sex marriage, and the alarming number of LDS young people who want to have "too much fun," I have raised the Ward Threat Level to RED.


Every ward member is advised to have on hand a one year supply of food, a hazmat suit, at least 2 hand guns, 4 rolls of duct tape, and a gallon jug of consecrated oil. 

We know he's a professor because
he has a chalkboard!

There's no telling how much evil will rush in to fill the void left by Professor Beck. Ward members should brace themselves for an onslaught of feminists, gays, and intellectuals intent on looting, murdering, masturbating, declaring Hawaii a state, and putting off marriage to have too much fun. 


Be aware, brothers and sisters, that we are the target and nowhere is safe. For example, I strongly suspect that during the closed-circuit televising of last Saturday's General Priesthood Session somebody poisoned the drinking fountains at the Abbottsville Stake Center with a substance that robs red-blooded American males of their precious bodily fluids.


Brethren in other stakes have voiced similar suspicions. I am assembling a task force to investigate how global this fiendish anti-Mormon plot has become, and will report our findings ASAP.




In the mean time remain vigilant, and don't forget to submit your nominations for our Official Ward Gun

This concludes your Ward Preparedness Update.

Your fellow patriot,
Bull Barton


If you want to stop receiving these e-mails, we'll assume you're part of the plot.


(Psst ... Thanks Ahab for sending me the article I linked to "too much fun.")

Mormons: Be Prepared!

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: Brother J. "Bull" Barton, Ward Preparedness Specialist
Subject: Ward Preparedness Update

Dear Abbottsville Fourth,

Photo added by blog owner
in hopes of attracting more
male followers

The good news is that the Republicans' mid-term victory has allowed me to lower the Ward Threat Level to Orange. However, due to ongoing liberal attacks on the Second Amendment, increased chatter over Same Sex Marriage, and the last Victoria's Secret ad campaign, it is still essential that we remain vigilant and prepared. I advise all members of the Abbottsville Fourth Ward to have the following on hand.

One year's supply of:
water
wheat
rice
pasta
powdered milk
dehydrated pear flakes

Hazmat suits -- 2 per family member
Hand guns -- 2 per family member
Ammunition -- you can never have enough
Duct tape -- 4 rolls per family member
Consecrated oil -- 1 gallon per family member
Scriptures, The Ensign, dominoes, Yahtzee, Twister, and other amusements to help pass time in the bunker.

In the event of an emergency, ward members are to gather their provisions and report immediately to the church. Be aware that non-members, inactives, and other "have-nots" will likely engage in looting, vandalism, rape, masturbation, same-sex marriage, murder, and desecration of the flag. The faithful will need to be on guard 24/7.


On a lighter note, I know that many of you share my high opinion of the Utah legislature and its recent resolution. In that spirit, I propose the establishment of our own Official Ward Gun. Nominations are now open.

This concludes your Ward Preparedness Update.

Your fellow patriot,
Bull Barton

If you would like to stop receiving these e-mails, we'll send you a vat of KoriWhore's super-yummy dehydrated pear flakes.