Thursday, November 1, 2012

LDS Rush In To Help Storm "Victims" (Even Though It's Their Fault)

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: Brother J. "Bull" Barton, Ward Preparedness Specialist
Subject: Ward Preparedness Update -- The "victims" of Hurricane Sandy

Due to the disastrous East Coast super storm that was brought on by the region's feminists, gays, and intellectuals, I have decided to maintain the Ward Threat Level at RED.

As always, every ward member should have on hand a 1 year supply of food, a hazmat suit, at least 2 handguns, 4 rolls of duct tape, and a gallon of consecrated oil. Also scriptures, the Ensign, dominoes,Yahtzee!, Twister, and other diversions to help kill time in the bunker.

After all, we reside in that infamous hotbed of evil sinners, otherwise known as the Left Coast, and must take extreme measures to protect our way of life. The feminists, gays, and intellectuals have us surrounded, and they are up to their usual mischief: looting, murdering, masturbating, causing high tides, torrential rain and flooding, and then blaming the whole thing on global warming.

Nevertheless, it seems there are an alarming number of bleeding hearts in our ward who actually want to send help to the "victims" on the East Coast who caused the whole thing in the first place. Even more alarming, I hear that many of you are prepared to give to what is surely the most scurrilous and sleazy scam ever concocted: The American Red Cross.

Don't Do It Abbottsville Fourth!

Think about it. The American Red Cross is asking people to donate money and give blood. HA! Who do they think they're fooling? Not Brother J. "Bull" Barton, that's for sure.

Instead of the Red Cross, I urge members of the Abbottsville Fourth Ward to donate to a far more honest and responsible relief organization: The Romney Campaign.

Even as we speak, the former governor is tirelessly collecting canned goods to send to the "victims" -- in open defiance of the selfish requests of the Red Cross. 

Send a check to the Red Cross and you've no idea where the money will go. Send a check to Romney and you can supply a displaced family in Queens with an entire case of creamed corn.

In that spirit, I advise all members to search their food storage for leftovers to send to the "victims." (This could be a great way to weed out items that are past their expiration date.) In addition to food, I will also be collecting hazmat suits, duct tape, gallon jugs of consecrated oil, spare handguns, back issues of The Ensign, and Yahtzee!

Finally, thanks to us, real relief will be on its way to the "victims." Even though they caused the whole thing themselves.

If you would like to stop receiving these emails, we'll assume it's because you're exhausted after causing the hurricane.

**Also thanks to Ahab for posting the above link that in turn helped to inspire this post.


  1. Thanks for the shout-out. Would you believe that there are Religious Right voices out there blaming Hurricane Sandy on gays, insufficient love of Israel, ad nauseum? Every single disaster gets the same treatment!

    "The feminists, gays, and intellectuals have us surrounded, and they are up to their usual mischief: looting, murdering, masturbating, causing high tides, torrential rain and flooding, and then blaming the whole thing on global warming."

    Now I can't help but wonder if sin #3 is causing the high tides and flooding. Eww.

    :: loots a case of porter and several boxes of wild rice ::

  2. Haha you are hilarious, Ahab. Hmm, insufficient love of Israel. Hadn't heard that one. Sigh

  3. If it's a legitimate hurricane, then the city will have a way of shutting it down.

    All snark aside, nothing makes me sadder than to see this tragedy being used to tear people(s) down.

  4. True, pmgirl.

    Romney's canned goods campaign reminded me of all those times in church when we were told to send $ to the church and not the Red Cross etc. so we could be sure our $ was going to a "legitimate" cause.

    That word has become tiresome hasn't it?

  5. I love being Mormon. Don't you wish you're boyfriend was Mormon like me;)?

  6. Don't worry Sugar, Romney will be an AWESOME president.

  7. Dear weston, I do believe this is the first time anybody has called me Sugar. Perhaps that's because I don't have a Mormon boyfriend. ;)

  8. Now that I'm engaged in the awesome business of creating super storms, I don't missed Mormon Relief Society at all. Just sayin'.

    Signed, an intellectual feminist (too bad I'm not gay; if only ... I could probably start an earthquake and I would totally love to do that!)

  9. I know what you mean, anon. When I went to church I wasn't even allowed to pass the sacrament, now I can stage tsunamis. Sweet!

  10. Hi was in Panama recently and the storm was said to be made by some local indians with a box of thunder. They claim to be the three Nephites with an ark of the covenant. It is quiet intersting to see who is now taking responsibility for the storm. check out their link at