Wednesday, November 7, 2012

Keep Campaigning Abbottsville Fourth!

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: Dennis Newsome, Stake Public Affairs Council
Subject: Keep up Appearances!

Dear Abbottsville Fourth,

I feel your pain. The election is over and the Lord's candidate lost. The white male patriarchy that was divinely called to lead our once righteous nation has been overthrown by a bunch of multicolored men and women who want to expand the definition of legitimate rape and let any 2 consenting adults get married "just because they love each other."

Of course you're angry. The Brethren are too. And the fight for righteousness will go on.

But for now I remind all of us to love our neighbors. Not because we do, necessarily, and certainly not because Heavenly Father wants us to. But because if we don't at least act like we do, the nonmember community might think that we're a bunch of misogynistic, homophobic, small minded sore losers.

Remember, the election may be over, but the LDS PR campaign continues!

In that spirit, I encourage all ward members to bake a batch of cookies and take them over to the feminist, gay, intellectual or otherwise immoral nonmembers next door and tell them that they're special.

If you would like to stop receiving these emails we want you to know how special we think you are.


  1. Oh, we already think they're misogynist, homophobic, small-minded losers, so nothing has changed.

    And if any right-winger tries to bring me cookies, I'm going to shout, "IN YOUR FACE!"

    Seriously, though, I was delighted to hear about the election results this morning. I was anxious that a Romney/Ryan White House might be in store for us, so I can breathe easier now.

  2. I can't believe there are 27% of people in Utah that didn't vote for Rmoney, but I am glad they didn't.

  3. I know, Otto, the times are changing--thankfully

  4. In light of the fact that an Act of God (aka "Hurricane Sandy") stopped the (alleged) momentum of the Rmoney campaign, do you think "God's Chosen" got the message that they've been divinely disinherited? Maybe we should make *them* cookies?

    Your feminist intellectual friend in Park City (a proud member of the 24 percent-ish who knowingly and intentionally voted for the anti-christ)

    P.S. My catcha includes the number 47. God lives!

  5. Now there's an idea! Maybe we should go on the offensive and take cookies to our local bishops...or have a "heart attack" on his front yard. lol

  6. I still can't get an answer from my Republican friends as to which Romney they voted for.

    As a closed society, I'm referring to the GOP,there is always the chance that their message might reach the ears of rational individuals who will expose those "divine" truths for what they are: "I got mine, screw you!"

    Send my share of the cookies to the shelter.

  7. LOL, it was confusing sorting out all those Romneys. Also, Jono--I should have said "Otto's son." :)

  8. I've got the best cookie recipe that I know those silly gay's or feminists would fall over and come back to the fold.

  9. Haha, yes I'm so tempted to go back for the Rice Krispie Treats. :D