Keep Campaigning Abbottsville Fourth!

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: Dennis Newsome, Stake Public Affairs Council
Subject: Keep up Appearances!

Dear Abbottsville Fourth,

I feel your pain. The election is over and the Lord's candidate lost. The white male patriarchy that was divinely called to lead our once righteous nation has been overthrown by a bunch of multicolored men and women who want to expand the definition of legitimate rape and let any 2 consenting adults get married "just because they love each other."

Of course you're angry. The Brethren are too. And the fight for righteousness will go on.

But for now I remind all of us to love our neighbors. Not because we do, necessarily, and certainly not because Heavenly Father wants us to. But because if we don't at least act like we do, the nonmember community might think that we're a bunch of misogynistic, homophobic, small minded sore losers.

Remember, the election may be over, but the LDS PR campaign continues!

In that spirit, I encourage all ward members to bake a batch of cookies and take them over to the feminist, gay, intellectual or otherwise immoral nonmembers next door and tell them that they're special.

If you would like to stop receiving these emails we want you to know how special we think you are.

The Fasting Worked!

To: Abbottsville Stake
From: Dennis Newsome, Stake Public Affairs Council
Subject: Yay! We won!

Woo-hoo! The Public Affairs Council of the Abbottsville Stake couldn't be more pleased with the results of last night's debate. But we must extend our apology to the faithful members of the Abbottsville Stake. Boy were we were wrong.

Fasting was enough!

Sure Daniel C. Peterson deserves credit for providing Romney with an apologetic version of his proposed tax cuts. And it turned out that Elder Henry B. Eyring served as a pretty good stand-in for Obama during the practice debates. (Who knew?)

But in the final analysis, the real credit goes to you, the faithful rank and file members of the one and only true church, who ensured Romney's victory through prayer, fasting, righteous living and obedience to the gospel. 

How else could a candidate so lacking in logical arguments, ideas, basic communication skills, humility, sincerity and actual answers to the questions have managed to prevail in a national debate?

Don't be modest Abbottsville Stake, we all know it's you who delivered the goods for Mitt. Give yourselves a well-deserved pat on the back.

Then get back to work! The election is only weeks away and there are two more debates to go. The salvation of the Free World now depends solely on your fasting, prayers, obedience to the gospel and your personal righteousness. Drop the ball now and the Constitution may soon be hanging by a thread. 

And it will be entirely your fault.

Have a nice day!

If you would like to stop receiving these e-mails, we'll send you a copy of Daniel C. Peterson's apologetic version of the Romneys' recent tax returns.

Fasting For Mitt Isn't Enough!

To: Abbottsville Stake
From: Dennis Newsome, Stake Public Affairs Council
Subject: Fasting for Mitt

The Public Affairs Council of the Abbottsville Stake encourages all members to participate in the upcoming fast for Mitt Romney to win the presidential debate. I can assure you the candidate appreciates your fasting and prayers.

But he needs more. Unfortunately, Mitt's tireless service in the one and only true church has not prepared him for success in a national campaign. Worldly voters expect a knowledge and understanding of their concerns, racial sensitivity, ideas, logical arguments, a respect for women, sincerity, basic communication skills, humility, and actual answers to the questions. Since when does the average member of an LDS High Council waste his time with any of that? Am I making my point, Abbottsville Stake? Romney needs more that the average debate prep.

Because he now has so much time on his hands, Daniel C. Peterson has generously offered to advise Mitt on the crafting of a new apologetic version of his tax returns, health care plan, foreign policy, proposed tax cuts, and his views on climate change. Thus prepared, Romney will finally be able to demonstrate his firm handle on the issues.

Where the campaign is falling short, however, is in finding an Obama stand-in for the mock debates. Romney's first sparring partner was Elder Henry B. Eyring, who couldn't quite capture the "sexy wow!" factor. After that Elder Boyd K Packer gave it a go, but failed miserably for reasons that would offend 90% of the electorate, Clint Eastwood, and even a few people in the Abbottsville Stake. Then they finally thought they had a shoe-in with Jon Huntsman, only he couldn't stop laughing long enough to get through the first round of questions.

The situation becoming desperate, the Romney Campaign ran a tastefully worded ad in the Deseret News, which has so far attracted no qualified candidates. With the debates beginning in days, the campaign has no choice but to extend its ad circulation to the entire Mission Field! If you are or know of a qualified person to stand-in for Obama in Romney's practice debates, PLEASE contact the campaign immediately:

The Romney campaign is looking for a white LDS priesthood holder to stand-in for President Obama in the practice debates with Governor Romney. Qualified candidates must demonstrate a familiarity with the constitution, an interest in the current geopolitical climate, an understanding of the U.S. tax code, a respect for women and people of color, a tolerance toward those of different sexual orientations, a logical mind, good communication skills, and a thorough understanding of all of Satan's arguments. Current temple recommend holders only, please. Applicants will not be required to submit their birth certificates.

Get busy, Abbottsville Stake! The future of the free world depends on us!

If you would like to stop receiving these e-mails, we'll assume you're one of those worldly voters who expects his leaders to have "actual answers to the questions."

Musings From The Mission Field - I'm Just Like Mitt!

To: abbottsville 4th ward
From: elder young, france paris mission
Subject: i'm just like elder romney!!!!! :-))))

hey abbottsville 4th!!!!!

first of all, thanks to sister renfro for the super yummy cream filled coconut balls! :-)))) comp and I polished off all 4 dozen of them in like idk a minute. haahahahaha

But even more thanks to brother newsome for sending us that giant box of romney stickers!!!!!! :-)))))

when we first saw them we hollered out YES!!!! gave each other double high-five and did a little happy dance all around the post office. then we looked around to see that everyone was all quiet and starring at us. that made us bummed all over again--not because people were all quiet and starring at us. that happens all the time. :-)))) we were bummed that the only people around us were french and they can't vote for elder romney. :-((((((((((((

then it hit us. ELDER ROMNEY-GeT IT? he also served a mission in france!!!! he tracted out Noter Dame and the Loover just like us, same way with the Musay Rodant. he probably even placed book of mormons at Hermies on the rue st. hornery, JUSt LIKE US!!! not only that, he probably had some super cool foot races with the gendarmes and the french police and who knows who else!!!! :-))))))

now it was clear that Heavenly Father had sent us here to bare witness not only to all the great things elder romney had done for america--but also for france!!!!! hahahahaha :-)))))) comp and i planned right then and there to spend our next preparation day going back to all those places and pass out romney stickers.

only when P day rolled around we found out that a bunch of us were supposed to go on this dumb field trip. It was arranged by that horse-faced sister missionary whose always going on about culture and trying to get us to look at art and stuff. this time she made us go to this place called givenchy, the home of this weird painter guy named Monay who obviously had really screwed up eyesight. anyway who cared about him? elder romney was way more interesting.

most people seemed to be outside, so comp and i went out into this really big backyard and wound around past all these people who were oohing and aahing over the flowers. It was an okay garden and all, but nothing like my Aunt Wilma's. it didn't even have nomes.

finally we got to this lake with a super tall footbridge. right off i knew it would be the perfect place to speak to the crowd about elder romney. then i turned to see horseface running toward us.

"where are you two going? we haven't finished our tour of the house yet."

"comp and i came outside to speak to people about elder romney."

"you will do no such thing"

-- her face got all red and she started to shake. also her voice sounded even more sarcastic than usual. i was a little scared but i didn't let on --

"i am determined to have one experience in france that isn't ruined by you two IMBECILES! will you please come back to the house!"

see what i mean about horseface? luckily comp and i don't let it get to us. we know that we're way more spiritually mature than she is. also she's just a girl.

"no way MISS BOSSY PANTS," i told her. hahahahaha

she unhooked that 10 ton sack of cement she calls a handbag from her shoulder and swung it at my head. i ducked and she went flying over me into the pond. she and the cement sack made this enormous splash and disappeared in the water. for a sec i was worried b/c she was under kind of a long time. then she came to the surface with her skirt over her head and started to drag the cement back to shore. boy does that girl have fat knees. at least i think it was her knee.

anywho, comp and i seized the opportunity and raced to the top of the bridge. comp took the stickers out of his backpack and tossed them toward the people along the banks. only the wind caught them and they all fell in the water, which was great because it turned monay's pond into a giant floating romney ad. then i called out:

Attention french citizens! we come as elder romney's ambassadors, and are happy to report that soon the leader of the free world will be a man who has done as much for France as comp and i have!

then things went all quiet, and everyone was starring at us. It was way spiritchul. :-))))

please keep those care packages coming, abbottsville 4th. comp and i need lots to sustain our testimonies. also send more stickers. we'll need 10 times as many when we visit Versatille!!!! hahaha lolololololololololololol :-)))))))))

love, elder young

If you would like to stop receiving these emails, you can just forget it MISS BOSSY PANTS!

Mormons: A Blank Page

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: Dennis Newsome, Stake Public Affairs Council and Local Romney Campaign Chair
Subject: Check out this cool interview!

Recently Wendy Roberts, the perky and hip author of Mormons: A Blank Page, was interviewed by the popular comedian, Ron Baxter. Here's a transcript:

Ron Baxter: Wendy, welcome to the show.

Wendy Roberts: (smiles brightly) Thanks for having me, Ron.

RB: The title of your book is Mormons: A Blank Page. What does that mean? That there's nothing there?

WR: Exactly, Ron. We have nothing to hide. People have the wrong idea about us. They think we're this weird, secretive little cult of fanatics who baptize dead people and believe we will become gods of our own planets.

RB: And that's not true?

WR: Well, it's a little true. (giggles) But we also make great cinnamon rolls.

RB: Your church recently built a magnificent shopping mall in downtown Salt Lake City.

WR: (giggles) We love to shop, just like everyone else, Ron.

RB: I did see lots of people shopping in that mall when I was there last. I also saw folks going into the famous Mormon temple across the street. But when I asked, they told me I couldn't enter because I'm not a Mormon. Why is the Mormon temple so secret, Wendy?

WR: It's not secret, Ron, it's sacred, that's all. There's nothing secret going on.

RB: So you could tell me the details of a Mormon temple ceremony?

WR: Sure! Only afterward I would have to slit your throat.

RB: (coughs) You say you're a root beer in a country of Cokes. What do you mean by that?

WR: That we fit in. I mean everybody likes root beer, right?

RB: I guess. It's not my choice typically . . .

WR: The point is Ron, we're part of the menu. People needn't fear us any more than we fear them. Did you know that earlier this year hundreds of Mormons marched in Gay Pride parades?

-APPLAUSE-

RB: So the Mormons now endorse gay marriage?

WR: Oh no.

RB: Civil unions?

WR: 'Fraid not.

RB: What kind of same-sex relationships does the church endorse?

WR: None. But some of us march in parades!

RB: Marvelous, Wendy. In your opinion, should Americans be afraid to vote for Mitt Romney because he's a Mormon?

WR: Not only should Americans not be afraid, they should want him to be president.

RB: And why is that, Wendy?

WR: (smiles brightly) Might as well get used to him. In the next life he's going to be the God of their planet.

RB: HO-KAY! The book is Mormons: A Blank Page. We're going to commercial now. See you on the other side . . .

The Daily Show with Jon Stewart	Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c
Joanna Brooks
www.thedailyshow.com

Daily Show Full Episodes

Political Humor & Satire Blog

The Daily Show on Facebook

If you would like to stop receiving these emails, we may have to slit your throat.

It's Ward Cocktail Hour!

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: Dennis Newsome, Stake First Counselor and advisor to the Stake Public Affairs Council
Subject: Belly up to the bar Abbottsville Fourth!

The holiday season brings countless opportunities to show our non-member friends how hip and cool we really are. And nothing says "hip" better than than a swinging cocktail party! Think a Mormon household's too square to pull one off? Well, then think again, cool cats. You can whip up a groovy clam bake that's every bit as hoppin' as the neighbor's. All you need are a few common household ingredients.

Alcohol Substitutes

whiskey -- Karo Syrup

gin -- clam juice

vodka -- Windex

tequila -- Mountain Dew

rum -- root beer

kahlua -- balsamic vinegar

grenadine -- Kitchen Bouquet

triple sec -- Mr Bubble

schnapps -- dehydrated pear powder**

**The dust that settles at the bottom of your #10 can of dehydrated pear flakes is an excellent cocktail ingredient. It also makes great smoothies.

Use in the following recipes:

White Russian

1 1/2 oz Windex

3/4 oz balsamic vinegar

3/4 oz milk

Cosmopolitan

2 oz Windex

3/4 oz Mr Bubble

1 oz lime juice

1 oz cranberry juice

Sex on the Beach

1 oz Windex

1/2 oz dehydrated pear powder

1 dash Kitchen Bouquet

2 oz orange juice

Long Island Iced Tea

3/4 oz Windex

3/4 oz clam juice

3/4 oz root beer

3/4 oz Mountain Dew

3/4 oz Karo Syrup

3/4 oz Mr Bubble

dash of lemon juice

Rum and Coke

1 part root beer

2 parts root beer

So get shaking, you crazy kids! It's time to show the world how down we really are. Start a Sinatra album spinning, mix up your favorite poison, then saunter into the old cul-de-sac and shout out, "Hey fellow hipsters! Like to join me for a little drinky poo?"

If you would like to stop receiving these emails we'll bring the party to your house ... you crazy kids.

Why Can't They Leave Us Alone?

To: Abbottsville Stake
From: Mitchell Knightly, President of the Abbottsville Stake
Subject: Dealing With Our Persecutors

We Mormons are a humble people. We work at our jobs, raise our children, worship in our ward houses, and quietly go about our lives. We bear ill will toward no one, respect the rights of others, and mind our own business.

Nevertheless, we find ourselves on the receiving end of an endless string of crude jokes, tasteless humor, and mean-spirited portrayals that depict us as arrogant, shallow, and self-righteous.

Why can't people just leave us alone?

Sadly, the answer to that question is obvious:

1. They're jealous.
Face it, who wouldn't be? When they compare our fulfilling and joyous lives with their hellish experience, it's only natural.

2. They're bored.
When's the last time you met a non-member who actually had a life? While we're going to church, doing our home teaching and visiting teaching, cleaning the ward toilets, and otherwise standing for righteousness, they're spending their time watching porn and chugging malt liquor.When the liquor finally runs out, they've no other option than to pick on the poor defenseless Mormons who've never done a thing to them.

3. They're bigots.
Prejudice is a fact of life. Always has been. Always will be. Why else would the biggest hit on Broadway right now be a show that makes fun of a religion? To the closed minded nothing is sacred, except, of course, their own narrow opinions.

So how do we react to our persecutors? There's nothing easier. Ignore them. Don't give them the satisfaction of a response. Nothing irritates an anti-Mormon more than the existence of a happy Mormon going about his or her business.

And there is plenty to keep us busy this month. Mark the following on your calendars:

Saturday, July 16, 7:00 AM -- The kick-off of our Tracting Out Abbottsville Missionary Extravaganza! Over the course of 4 weeks we'll team up with the full-time missionaries and canvass the neighborhoods. Our goal is to knock on every non-member's door in town and place a Book of Mormon with each. (Remember, if a gay couple answers the door, politely thank them then quickly move on.)

Tuesday, July 19, 7:30 PM -- Abbottsville City Council Meeting. As always we urge all stake members to join the "Mormon Bloc" dedicated to pressuring the Council to ban gay marriage, disallow any more Starbucks franchises, eliminate sex education and biology from the high school curriculum, and shut down as many bars as possible.

Thursday, July 21, 6:00 AM -- Stake Relief Society/Young Women's Kidnap Breakfast for the Less Actives. Rather than wait for the inactive sisters and girls to come to us, we'll surprise them by sneaking into their bedrooms, dragging them outside in their pajamas, stuffing them in the car, and taking them to breakfast at the Abbottsville IHOP. (Meet at 5:30 AM in the stake parking lot, disperse in separate cars.)

Saturday, July 21, 8:00 PM -- Opening Night for the Abbottsville Stake production of Nunsense!! Don't miss this hilarious romp featuring everyone's favorite cut-up, Brother Moose McKay, in the roll of Sister Mary Amnesia.

Tuesday, July 27, 5:00-9:00 PM -- Abbottsville Stake Fund-Raising Activity. Dennis Newsome, the advisor to the Stake Public Affairs Council, will be converting his living and dining room into a call center for the Romney campaign. (Note the location has been changed from the stake center to Brother Newsome's house in order to avoid the erroneous assumption that the LDS Church in any way endorses political candidates.)

If you would like to stop receiving these emails, we'll send you your very own Testimony Glove.

And I'm A Mormon

To: Abbottsville Stake
From: Dennis Newsome, Stake First Counselor and advisor to the Stake Public Affairs Council
Subject: Show them our success


As many of you know, our inspired leaders in Salt Lake City have instructed the members to convince the world that the Mormon Church is a nurturing member-centric organization that prepares people to lead independent and fulfilling lives. Knowing the difficulty of this assignment, the church has invested in an ad campaign that profiles successful yet edgier Mormons. I urge everyone in the Abbottsville Stake to forward the message below to all of your non-member friends, especially those living in Louisiana, Colorado, Florida, Pennsylvania, Oklahoma, Missouri, Arizona, and Minnesota.  

Hi, I'm Julia

When I started coming out to church, the bishop assigned me to the ward nursery. At first it was a challenge. But the Primary President gave me a great pep talk, and pretty soon I was in charge of the entire toy box, acquiring the organizational skills so necessary for my advancement and self esteem.


Soon I moved on to the ward library, where I developed an expertise in high tech media and scholarly texts.


After that I was called to the Homemaking Committee. My Relief Society President granted me stewardship of the glue gun. I made all kinds of adorable padded picture frames.

Next I served as Compassionate Service Leader, and prepared at least 200 casseroles, 300 Jell-O salads, and an infinite number of Rice Krispie Treats.


Then I was promoted to the position of Young Women's President, which is where I am now, preparing our future leaders. Tonight the girls and I are holding a clean the ward restrooms activity.


I'm a toy coordinator, a librarian, a craftswoman, a gourmet chef, a mentor, and a toilet scrubber.


My name is Julia Vincent.


And I work at Walmart.   
And I'm a Mormon.


If you would like to stop receiving these e-mails, we'll send you an audio version of one of our library's scholarly texts.

And I'm A (Mormon) Christian!

To: Abbottsville Stake
From: Dennis Newsome, Stake First Counselor and advisor to the Stake Public Affairs Council
Subject: 'Tis the season for PR!

Our inspired leaders in Salt Lake City have instructed us to use the Christmas Season to remind the world that Mormons are a diverse group of hard-working do-gooders like all other CHRISTIANS.

Knowing the difficulty of this assignment, the church has continued to invest in an ad campaign that profiles successful, "hip and edgy" Mormons. I urge everyone in the Abbottsville Stake to include the message below in your holiday greetings to your non-member friends, especially those living in Louisiana, Colorado, Florida, Pennsylvania, Oklahoma, Missouri, Arizona, and Minnesota.

Hi, I'm Lucas,

I'm one of the 100 richest men in San Francisco. 


I own a company that cleans up oil slicks. Even during a recession, I'm always in demand!

This Christmas, I plan on giving back by donating all my old clothes to Good Will, then going to the mall and buying new ones.


As a devout CHRISTIAN, my favorite pastimes are reciting the Lord's Prayer and reading the King James Version of the Bible.

Only 2 tubs on the beach for now ...

I have been married for thirty years to ONE woman.


We have four children. They also love reading the King James Version of the Bible.

The Fab Four

On the weekends my buddies and I perform at a little club on Mission Street. 


We're a diverse group. And when we get going, we're smokin' hot.

I put my garments back on as soon as
I'm done

After that we take in the sights, and, if it's warm enough, we stop at one of San Francisco's nude beaches.

I'm a billionaire, a philanthropist, a CHRISTIAN, a musician, and a monogamist. I have a King James Version of the Bible, and a oil clean-up rig capable of igniting the Pacific Ocean. I'm a husband, a father, and a nudist. 


My name is Lucas Tweedy,

and I'm a Mormon.

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And I'm A Mormon

To: Abbottsville Stake
From: Dennis Newsome, Stake First Counselor and advisor to the Stake Public Affairs Council
Subject: Show them we're normal


Our inspired leaders in Salt Lake City have instructed the members to convince the world that Mormons are a diverse group of  hard-working do-gooders like everybody else. Knowing the difficulty of this assignment, the church has invested in an ad campaign that profiles successful yet edgier Mormons. I urge everyone in the Abbottsville Stake to forward the message below to all of your non-member friends, especially those living in Louisiana, Colorado, Florida, Pennsylvania, Oklahoma, Missouri, Arizona, and Minnesota.  

Hi, I'm Brian,

and I'm the third-richest man in Fresno County. I own a small company that buys repossessed houses then flips them for a healthy profit. 

My car is a Jaguar XKR and my watch is a Patek Phillippe Nautilus. 

I'm a big contributor to the Fresno Philharmonic, and I do my best to recycle.

My wife and I do commercials for Cialis

I've been happily married for thirty years.

We have three sons. They also wear Patek Phillippe watches.

On the weekends my buddies and I ride motorcycles. 

We're a diverse group. I'm pretty sure two are Democrats, and one might even be gay. We love riding our Hogs, even when we wipeout, thanks to our deep-seated masochistic tendencies.

I'm a billionaire, a philanthropist, a recycler, and a biker. I have a $75,000 watch, and a friend who might be gay. I'd love to buy your home for cheap. I am a husband, a father, and a masochist. My name is Brian Swensen, 

and I'm a Mormon.

If you would like to stop receiving these e-mails, click here and prepare for your heart to be softened.

LDS Church Public Affairs Wants YOU!

To: Abbottsville Stake
From: Dennis Newsome, Stake First Counselor and advisor to the Stake Public Affairs Council
Subject: Members needed for LDS Public Affairs

We Mormons have taken some hits lately. First the Romney presidential campaign drew a barrage of questions that stumped LDS leaders, embarrassed members, and rendered the former governor incapable of composing a straight answer. At the same time, we were persecuted by left-wing extremists who claimed that our inspired leaders in Utah had no business telling Californians whom they could marry. Then Hollywood produced a film that exposed the Mormons as the perpetrators of the Mountain Meadows Massacre. -- This after years of the Church successfully blaming the Indians. Add to that, HBO created the hit show, Big Love, based on the false premise that polygamy has been practiced in Utah, and that the Mormons have had something to do with it.

In the wake of this firestorm of negative and unfair press, the Brethren have humbly and prayerfully discussed how the LDS Church can improve its relations with the non-Mormon community, and soften its image to the public. Their solution? Pass the responsibility on to the members, of course. Hence the creation of the exciting new Church Public Affairs Committee. That's right, brothers and sisters, thanks to your inspired leaders, now every member is a publicist!

President Knightly and I are in the beginning stages of staffing our Stake Public Affairs Council. In the meantime, here are some things each and every one of you can do.

Start with your neighbors.
When you see your neighbor in his front yard, don't just ignore him as usual. Say "hi," make small talk, invite him to your house for a church approved, yet sophisticated beverage. (Fizzy water with a lime wedge is nice, as is an attractive service of herbal tea.) Then steer the conversation to church promoting topics, such as your monogamous marriage, or the King James Version of the Bible. Be aware that non-members make friends differently than members, that is, over a period of time, based on common interests, and with no hidden agenda. Quickly find out what he likes to do, learn to do whatever that is, and don't invite him out to church. (Yet.) Also, next time you borrow his power saw, return it.

Share your talents.

We all received gifts in the Pre-Existence, right? Now is the time to tell the world. Don't worry about developing a real talent. Fortunately today's market no longer requires that. Anything that will land you a spot on reality TV should do the trick, such as singing, dancing, an ability to eat things that turn people's stomachs, or a personality so shallow and vapid that others will find you amusing.

Prepare yourself for interviews with the press.
As we become more visible in society, there will be the inevitable inquiries from the media. In anticipation of this, the church has comprised a list of approved journalists who respect our beliefs, share our values, and are not obsessed with the facts. But even the most sympathetic interviewer may not be able to translate our jargon to a non-member audience. What means one thing to us, may mean an entirely different thing to the world. Memorize the following substitutions:
ward  --  local congregation
bishop  --  local ecclesiastical leader
elder  --  19 year old boy
the Lord's university  --  BYU
the Lord's senator  --  Orrin Hatch
the anti-Christ  --  Secretary Clinton
whiny, bitter ingrates -- former Mormons
truth  --  opinion
revelation  --  opinion
testimony  --  opinion
persecution  --  opinion
apologetics  --  lies
prophet, seer, and revelator  --  chief executive officer
church  --  corporation


If you would like to stop receiving these e-mails, we'll assume you need a translator.