Wednesday, January 26, 2011

And I'm A Mormon

To: Abbottsville Stake
From: Dennis Newsome, Stake First Counselor and advisor to the Stake Public Affairs Council
Subject: Show them our success

As many of you know, our inspired leaders in Salt Lake City have instructed the members to convince the world that the Mormon Church is a nurturing member-centric organization that prepares people to lead independent and fulfilling lives. Knowing the difficulty of this assignment, the church has invested in an ad campaign that profiles successful yet edgier Mormons. I urge everyone in the Abbottsville Stake to forward the message below to all of your non-member friends, especially those living in Louisiana, Colorado, Florida, Pennsylvania, Oklahoma, Missouri, Arizona, and Minnesota.  

Hi, I'm Julia

When I started coming out to church, the bishop assigned me to the ward nursery. At first it was a challenge. But the Primary President gave me a great pep talk, and pretty soon I was in charge of the entire toy box, acquiring the organizational skills so necessary for my advancement and self esteem.

The_fourth_nephiteSoon I moved on to the ward library, where I developed an expertise in high tech media and scholarly texts.

After that I was called to the Homemaking Committee. My Relief Society President granted me stewardship of the glue gun. I made all kinds of adorable padded picture frames.

Next I served as Compassionate Service Leader, and prepared at least 200 casseroles, 300 Jell-O salads, and an infinite number of Rice Krispie Treats.

Then I was promoted to the position of Young Women's President, which is where I am now, preparing our future leaders. Tonight the girls and I are holding a clean the ward restrooms activity.

I'm a toy coordinator, a librarian, a craftswoman, a gourmet chef, a mentor, and a toilet scrubber.

My name is Julia Vincent.

And I work at Walmart.   
And I'm a Mormon.

If you would like to stop receiving these e-mails, we'll send you an audio version of one of our library's scholarly texts.


  1. Oh, Donna, you hit it right on the money again! I never advanced much past nursery though. I guess I never learned to organize the toys right.

  2. Julia, Julia, Julia, you poor thing.

  3. JZ, you were lucky. The nursery is the most mature place in ward. And Ahab, I feel for Julia too, if only she could get a job at Wal-Mart.

  4. If you've ever met a booger mining, crotch scratching, goofy gawky, silly twelve year old boy who has just been ordained a Deacon in the LDS church then you've met someone who automatically has more authority, more leadership potential and clout than any woman in the entire body of the organization. Get used to it ladies, these little wankers are your superiors.

  5. Nicely done.

    I would have picked the library over anything else.

  6. Have you seen any of the "And I'm an Ex-Mormon" videos? They're pretty good. Saw one recently with Emily Pearson (Caroly Lynn Pearson's daughter). also, a friend of mine and his family were interviewed, portraying them to be a happy, well adjusted, contributing to society family. I hope they spread like wildfire!

  7. @Carla -- Thanks! And, yeah, there are some pretty hilarious reads in the ward library.

    Fanny, yes, I love the I'm an Ex-Mormon videos. I haven't seen Emily's yet, I'll look it up!

  8. Man, I keep trying to comment but had to delete it because I sounded mean and was providing too much information that could be hurtful. Suffice it to say I actually know this woman. Her name is "Julia" and her life is a tragedy. It's uncanny.

  9. Wow, CD, I know this stuff hits too close to home for me too sometimes. :(

    And Insana D, for some bizarre reason I missed your comment. You are so right. Remember how TBM men used to tell their 12 year olds, "Son, while I'm out of town YOU (not your mother) are head of the household."

  10. Regarding little boys being the head of the household:

    My uncle is non-Mormon. He left on a business trip when my cousin was six or so. He said, "Cousin, while I'm are the Head of the House. Do you know what that means?"

    "I get to drink coffee?"


  11. I loved the "And I work at Walmart." Classic! I suppose that isn't what the church is going for, but yeah, the videos certainly remind me of the Walmart ads!

  12. Yeah,and why shouldn't they be like the Walmart ads. For most, being Mormon is like being at the low end of a big corporation.

  13. Donna, I just made the connection between you and your blog (which I love)! I'm so glad we're friends. :)

  14. I love it! The realistic ones aren't nearly as interesting though. I bet that one won't be seen on TV even though it describes more Mormons than the real ads.

  15. WalMart employee! You're killing me! That's too perfect! Every calling i ever had was in primary. Srsly, for 19 years, i was called to primary over and over and over. I'm pretty sure that equates to door greeter at Wally World. I bet they knew if i made it all the way to YW, i would corrupt their pliable minds. I did have a huge blue octopus tattooed in my shoulder, after all.

  16. crapstain, Me too. On the rare occasion that I was called into RS or YW, I did some sort of "non-approved" thing and ended up back in primary. Door greeter at Wally World -- you're killing me!

  17. "Son, while I'm out of town YOU (not your mother) are head of the household."

    Good God . . . talk about undermining the mother's authority! Out of curiosity, do Mormon boys become more disrespectful of their mothers upon attaining priesthood status, since they outrank their moms in the eyes of the church?

  18. Oh god, yes, Ahab. That's the whole point in the LDS church. Men are superior.