Friday, January 7, 2011

Single Adults Get Final Warning!

To: Abbottsville Stake Single Adults
From: Mitchell Knightly, President of the Abbottsville Stake

Recently I suspended all Single Adults activities because of your gross mistreatment of  our esteemed Stake Single Adults leader, Ricky Foote. I met with each of you in extensive one on one interviews and listened to your concerns. I felt we had reached an understanding, that you were sufficiently humbled, and that I could finally reinstate our inspired Stake Single Adults program. Accordingly, I instructed Ricky to plan a fun New Year's Eve activity.

Then I was appalled to hear that after all of Ricky's labors, Sister Millie Loomis was the sole attendee at the Stake Single Adults' New Year's Eve Dance. Even her date failed to show up -- after she'd gone to the trouble to handcraft an invitation out of Sweet Tarts and deliver it via carrier pigeon.

But I was more disturbed when I heard that upon returning to the church parking lot, Ricky found the carrier pigeon locked inside of his car with the following note attached:
Sorry to POOP out on you, but we won't be DROPPING by the dance because we're tired of being treated like CR#P and think you're full of S%$T.* 
*edited for civility's sake. 
Clearly, I was wrong to assume you had learned your lesson.

As I said before, I know that Ricky is young enough to be your son, and that, in fact, one of you is his actual mother. But again I remind you that what Ricky lacks in age, he makes up for in inspired wisdom and priesthood authority. Moreover, he is devoted to all of you. He wants nothing more than to find a sweetheart for his old principal, an eternal companion for his former pediatrician, and for himself, a new step-dad. Again, I repeat:

None of you should consider yourselves on par with Ricky Foote. If you were, you would be married.

It's so tasty too!
As far as your treatment, you have gotten better than you deserve. According to my sources, instead of the wholesome LDS Single Adults' dance, you attended a New Year's Eve party thrown by the San Francisco Post-Mormons where you engaged in "lightmindedness, loud laughter, evil speaking of the Lord's anointed," and witnessed the public drunkenness of a certain disreputable female blogger.

After praying to our Heavenly Father, consulting with Ricky and your respective bishops, and evaluating your individual situations and standings in the community, I have made the following decision.

You're grounded.

From now until an undetermined time in the future, you will go nowhere but work, church, the temple, Costco, and the local FranklinCovey. Your goings and comings will be monitored by your home teachers, your visiting teachers, your quorum presidencies, your bishoprics, and, when necessary, the private security team, Big Beefy Tongans, Inc. 

During the period of your detention, I assign the following:

  1. Complete the Official Worthiness Questionnaire.
  2. Fast and pray.
  3. Read Doctrine and Covenants 132 and Behind Every Good Man by John Bytheway.
  4. Shampoo the interior of Ricky Foote's Hyundai.
  5. Take turns feeding and caring for the pigeon. 
  6. Staff the nursery at the upcoming Stake Valentines Day Dance.
  7. Write a 500 word essay on what it means to be a "Menace to Society."
  8. Make imaginative invitations asking that special someone to a future Single Adults' dance. Supplies can be found in your ward Primary closet.
Be aware that this is your FINAL WARNING! If any of you fail to obey all of the above commands, I will have no other choice than to report your misbehavior to your home teachers, your Relief Society presidency, your priesthood quorums, your bishopric, both Quorums of the Seventy, the Quorum of the Twelve, the First Presidency, the Deseret News, and your mothers.

After all, as your humble servant it is my job to look after your best interests.

If you would like to stop receiving these e-mails, don't be surprised if you receive a visit from Big Beefy Tongans, Inc.



  1. Oh Lord. I can imagine some of those essays on being a menace to society, especially after the post-Mormons New Years Eve party.

    "Being a menace to society is FUN! Throwing back martinis and making dirty jokes about Joseph Smith is great, even if it does bring down the destruction of human civilization! Hey, let's set the pigeon free, thrown out all the stuff in the ward primary closet, and get wired on coffee! WEEEEEE!"

  2. Please send some Big Beefy Tongans my way. I have a thing for Maori's especially, the ones who do that tongue bleah-yyy thing and slap their chests. Send at least three in case I wear the first two out.

  3. @Ahab, I wish more LDS singles would blow off the ridiculous guilt trip their church lays on them. Sadly, it only happens in fiction!

    Insana D, as usual, you are Insane-ly funny!

  4. OMG! Donna, you have a gift. You should write a movie script poking fun at all things Mor(m)on. There's so much material to work with.

    P.S. When I was called as a single adult rep I felt like they expected me to help people (mostly socially backward adults) find dating opportunities. It pissed me off in a big way. I finally met with a member of the bishopric and told him I didn't have a testimony of the single adult program, I thought it was lame, and he either needed to enlighten me or release me from the Calling from Hell. He told me he didn't get it either and I was promptly released. LMAO!

  5. CD, good for you! Nothing like a stupid calling and a stupid church program to shake a person's testimony. Looking back, I feel grateful for the stupid callings I had, also the a$$hole PH leaders that made me wake up and smell the coffee. (Pun intended.)

  6. I love it! Thanks for the fabulous lighthearted loud laughter!