It's Relief Society Book Club Time!

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward

From: Susan Renfro, Ward Relief Society President

Subject: February Book Club Meeting

Dear Sisters,

Please choose from the following titles:

Go Sit in the Corner

for women

Latter-day Saint sisters can prepare for another interesting read this February with the choice of the following titles from Go Sit in the Corner for women.

FREEZE!  a memoir

by

 Sergeant K. "Rocky" Maxwell (Ret.)

For four decades Sergeant Maxwell served as both a beat cop and a Mormon bishop, demonstrating the discipline, the courage, and the sheer guts the two roles demand. Gun in one hand and Book of Mormon in the other, Maxwell patrolled the city streets and the ward meetinghouse, keeping his citizens safe, and his sacrament meetings reverent. Read the inspiring story that the LDS Church Correlation Committee is currently referencing for the next edition of the bishop's Official Church Handbook.

The Reformed Egyptian Code

by

G. Hyrum Madsen, PhD

BYU religion professor, LaVerl Evans, is hired by the Department of Homeland Security to decipher some terrorist communications in Egypt. To his amazement, instead of messages from terrorists, the writing turns out to be an encrypted version of the 116  lost pages of the Book of Mormon! Brother Evans then finds himself in a race to rescue the sacred pages from a nefarious cabal of feminists, gays, and so-called intellectuals who plan to turn them into a really bad situation comedy. Based on a true story.

Mandy's Dilemma 

by

Joyce Featherstone Smith

Rhodes Scholar, Pulitzer Prize winning journalist, and occasional swimsuit model, Mandy Bates, spends her return flight from Paris contemplating her vapid, insignificant, and unsatisfying life. Upon landing, she wanders into a Hogi Yogi , intent on drowning her sorrows in a succession of Mint Cookie Collisions. Instead she catches the eye of the tawny and buff assistant manager, Thad Sorenson.  As soon as his shift is over, they hit the town together, and take in the Orem nightlife. Her appetite aroused by her first taste of wholesome fun, Mandy accepts Thad's invitation to the upcoming ward pot luck. Later she remembers -- the pot luck conflicts with her scheduled photo shoot on Leonardo DeCaprio's yacht. 

Herein lies Mandy's dilemma:

or

 Laugh, cry, and prepare for your heart to be touched, when you read of Mandy's struggle over this tough call.

If you would like to stop receiving these e-mails, we'll assume you're one of the feminists, gays, or so-called intellectuals who voted in the 2010 Brodie Awards.

Single Adults Get Final Warning!

To: Abbottsville Stake Single Adults
From: Mitchell Knightly, President of the Abbottsville Stake
Subject: MY FINAL WARNING!

Recently I suspended all Single Adults activities because of your gross mistreatment of  our esteemed Stake Single Adults leader, Ricky Foote. I met with each of you in extensive one on one interviews and listened to your concerns. I felt we had reached an understanding, that you were sufficiently humbled, and that I could finally reinstate our inspired Stake Single Adults program. Accordingly, I instructed Ricky to plan a fun New Year's Eve activity.


Then I was appalled to hear that after all of Ricky's labors, Sister Millie Loomis was the sole attendee at the Stake Single Adults' New Year's Eve Dance. Even her date failed to show up -- after she'd gone to the trouble to handcraft an invitation out of Sweet Tarts and deliver it via carrier pigeon.


But I was more disturbed when I heard that upon returning to the church parking lot, Ricky found the carrier pigeon locked inside of his car with the following note attached:

Sorry to POOP out on you, but we won't be DROPPING by the dance because we're tired of being treated like CR#P and think you're full of S%$T.* 

*edited for civility's sake. 

Clearly, I was wrong to assume you had learned your lesson.


As I said before, I know that Ricky is young enough to be your son, and that, in fact, one of you is his actual mother. But again I remind you that what Ricky lacks in age, he makes up for in inspired wisdom and priesthood authority. Moreover, he is devoted to all of you. He wants nothing more than to find a sweetheart for his old principal, an eternal companion for his former pediatrician, and for himself, a new step-dad. Again, I repeat:

None of you should consider yourselves on par with Ricky Foote. If you were, you would be married.

It's so tasty too!

As far as your treatment, you have gotten better than you deserve. According to my sources, instead of the wholesome LDS Single Adults' dance, you attended a New Year's Eve party thrown by the San Francisco Post-Mormons where you engaged in "lightmindedness, loud laughter, evil speaking of the Lord's anointed," and witnessed the public drunkenness of a certain disreputable female blogger.


After praying to our Heavenly Father, consulting with Ricky and your respective bishops, and evaluating your individual situations and standings in the community, I have made the following decision.

You're grounded.

From now until an undetermined time in the future, you will go nowhere but work, church, the temple, Costco, and the local FranklinCovey. Your goings and comings will be monitored by your home teachers, your visiting teachers, your quorum presidencies, your bishoprics, and, when necessary, the private security team, Big Beefy Tongans, Inc. 


During the period of your detention, I assign the following:

1. Complete the Official Worthiness Questionnaire.
2. Fast and pray.
3. Read Doctrine and Covenants 132 and Behind Every Good Man by John Bytheway.
4. Shampoo the interior of Ricky Foote's Hyundai.
5. Take turns feeding and caring for the pigeon. 
6. Staff the nursery at the upcoming Stake Valentines Day Dance.
7. Write a 500 word essay on what it means to be a "Menace to Society."
8. Make imaginative invitations asking that special someone to a future Single Adults' dance. Supplies can be found in your ward Primary closet.

Be aware that this is your FINAL WARNING! If any of you fail to obey all of the above commands, I will have no other choice than to report your misbehavior to your home teachers, your Relief Society presidency, your priesthood quorums, your bishopric, both Quorums of the Seventy, the Quorum of the Twelve, the First Presidency, the Deseret News, and your mothers.


After all, as your humble servant it is my job to look after your best interests.


If you would like to stop receiving these e-mails, don't be surprised if you receive a visit from Big Beefy Tongans, Inc.

   

Stake Single Adults Prepare To Ring In the New Year!

To: Abbottsville Stake Single Adults
From: Ricky and Mindy Foote, Stake Single Adults Leaders
Subject: Happy New Year, boy and girls!


Mindy and I are pleased to announce that President Knightly has decided to reinstate the Abbottsville Stake Single Adults Program!*


As always, we are honored to serve a group that includes so many near and dear, such as my former seminary teacher, Mindy's old high school principal, Sister Post who helped me earn my Duty to Country badge, and, of course, Mom. 

We've really gone the distance to plan a super-fun New Year's Eve Dance**  custom crafted for your unique status as LDS Single Adults.


Since President Knightly has ordered  the Single Adult sisters to each invite one of the Single Adult brethren as her date, Mindy came up with some creative ways for you gals to pop that awkward question without it being too embarrassing.

1. Fill a basket with Hostess "Ding Dongs" and "Twinkies." Place the basket at his doorstep, ring the doorbell, and run. A message in the basket should read, "DING DONG! I'm ringing your bell to see if you'll go to the dance with a TWINKIE like me."

2. Find a bug splat on the windshield of his car. Make a big arrow and tape it onto his windshield pointing directly to the splat. On the arrow, write, "This takes a lot of GUTS, but I was wondering if you'd go to the dance with me!"

3. Hire a police officer to drive to your date's house, knock on his front door, handcuff him, and take him to the squad car. Leave a note on the car seat that has, "Now that I have ARRESTED your attention, will you go to the dance with me?" all spelled out in Hershey Kisses.

4. Bake a batch of homemade Parker House rolls, slather them with melted butter, leave them at his front door, ring the bell, and run. Attach a message to the pan that reads, "If I BUTTER you up, will you RISE to the occasion?" 

Likewise, the brethren may choose one of the following methods of ACCEPTING the sisters' invitations

1. Give her a world atlas and a card that reads, "Yes! ATLASt you have asked me to the dance! You mean the WORLD to me! Without you, the EARTH would stop SPINNING! OCEANS couldn't keep us apart! Now that you have me, you've got the whole WORLD in your hands."

2. Duct tape your date's toilet seat shut. Across the tape write, "I'll GO with you."

3. For this idea, you will need some musical ability and a horse. Dress up as a handsome prince and ride the horse to her home. Use a trumpet to announce your arrival. When she comes to the door, dismount the horse, roll out a red carpet, walk to her threshold, kneel down and say, "I officially accept Your Majesty's invitation to the dance." 

 4. Send her a helium balloon that reads, "I'm UP for it."



Find more ideas here.

*Stake Single Adults may participate in Single Adult activities only if they first comply with the following conditions:

1. Obtain a temple recommend or complete the Official Worthiness Questionnaire
2. Fulfill your usual assignment at the Stake Family Christmas Party. That is, set up, serve dinner, man the nursery, and clean up afterwards.
3. Attend tithing settlement. (Remember to bring your tax return!)
4. Resolve to be married by the end of 2011.

**At the dance the following standards will be strictly enforced:

1. No immodest dress. This includes pierced ears, facial hair or sideburns, and t-shirts advertising tobacco, porn, or caffeinated soft drinks. For more information, click here.
2. No loitering. The halls, kitchen, auxiliary areas and bathrooms will be monitored by CCTV.
3. Doors will be locked at 8:00 PM, no re-entrance allowed.
4. The DJ's track list has been pre-approved by the stake presidency. No requests other than Janice Kapp Perry, the Osmonds, and the Mormon Tabernacle Choir.
5. Participation in the Chicken Dance is mandatory.
6. At the stroke of midnight the brethren are required to give their dates a chaste kiss (no tongues.)
7. We will adjourn at 12:01 AM sharp. Don't forget to call your home teacher when you get there.

Be there or be square, boys and girls!

If you would like to stop receiving these e-mails, you must first complete the Official Worthiness Questionnaire.