Saturday, October 31, 2009

LDS Stake Single Adults

To: Abbottsville Stake Single Adults
From: Ricky and Mindy Foote, Stake Single Adults Leaders
Subject: Official Worthiness Questionnaire

In our last e-mail to the Stake Singles, we mentioned that admission to the Swinging Seventies Party will require either a temple recommend or a completed Official Worthiness Questionnaire. Since then we have been flooded with replies from seemingly devout singles who wish to attend, but are not temple worthy. This alarming discovery will require long term attention. However, for the purpose of the upcoming activity, Mindy and I are sending the Official Worthiness Questionnaire ahead of time, in order to avoid a bottleneck at the door. Please fill out the form and e-mail it to us in ASAP, so we have ample time for review.

Fill in the appropriate circle completely and inside the line with a #2 pencil

1. Do you attend all of your meetings?   yes O no O
   *If you answered no, how were you offended? (Mark all that apply.)
     Your visiting teachers missed a month.  O
     Nobody ate your casserole at the ward pot luck.  O
     Your home teacher has a key to the church and you don’t. O
     You were cut from the ward volleyball team.  O
     Somebody sat in your pew.  O

2. Do you pay a full tithe? yes O no O
  *If you answered no, how do you spend the Lord’s ten percent? (Mark all that apply.)
   Cigarettes  O
   Slot machines  O
   Cock fights  O
   Malt liquor  O
   Multiple ear piercings    O

3. Do you sustain your local and general authorities? yes O no O
  *If you answered no, why not? (Mark all that apply.)
    I’m addicted to porn.  O
    I drink like Yeltsin. O
    I'd rather sniff glue.  O
    I’m into bestiality.  O
    I don’t like their suits.  O

4. Do you subscribe to and read The Ensign? yes O no O
  *If you answered no, how do you fill your leisure time? (Mark all that apply.)
    Surfing the Internet for porn.  O
    Mugging old ladies.  O
    Masturbating.  O
    Knocking over liquor stores.  O
    Reading Jon Krakauer.  O

Your answers to the above questions are confidential, and will be shared with nobody other than your stake single adults leaders, home teachers, Relief Society presidency, ward bishopric, stake presidency, both Quorums of the Seventy, the Quorum of the Twelve, the First Presidency, and The Deseret News.

If you would like to stop receiving these e-mails, we’ll send you a copy of “What Not To Do In Bed: Fifty rules for Appropriate Sexual Intercourse,” by Bishop Loomis.