Sunday, October 4, 2009

LDS Stake Single Adults

To: Abbottsville Stake Single Adults
From: Ricky and Mindy Foote, Stake Single Adults Leaders
Subject: Stake Singles' Swinging Seventies Party

Mindy and I are both humbled and thrilled to be called as the new Stake Single Adults Leaders. It is an honor to serve a group that includes so many near and dear, such as, my former seminary teacher, Mindy's old high school principal, Sister Post who helped me earn my Duty to Country badge,and, of course, Mom. As newlyweds, Mindy and I are hot off the singles' scene ourselves, and, to put it in your lingo, we know where you're at. Or as someone once said -- Ben Franklin? Brigham Young? -- I'll have to look it up. Anyhow, "we feel your pain."

So dust off your platform shoes and powder blue tuxedos, and truck on down to the stake center for some seriously gnarly mixing and mingling. Should be heavy.

The following standards will be strictly enforced:

No immodest dress. This includes pierced ears, facial hair or sideburns, and t-shirts advertising tobacco, porn, or caffeinated soft drinks. For more information, click here.

Admission only upon presentation of a current temple recommend or completion of the Official Worthiness Questionnaire.

No loitering. The halls, kitchen, auxiliary areas and bathrooms will be monitored by CCTV.

Doors will be locked at 8:00 PM, no re-entrance allowed.

The DJ's track list has been pre-approved by the stake presidency. No requests other than Janice Kapp Perry, the Osmonds, and the Mormon Tabernacle Choir.

Participation in the Funky Chicken Soul Train Line is mandatory.

We will adjourn at 11:00 PM sharp, so everyone's home before curfew. Don't forget to call your home teacher when you get there.

Be there or be square, boys and girls. The Captain and Tennille are expecting you!

Dig this:

If you would like to stop receiving these e-mails we will send you a copy of Bishop Z's "Hands Off: Tips on Avoiding Masturbation"


  1. Our stake presidency wasn't so great at filtering the music for our youth dances . . . they allowed "Brass Monkey" by the Beastie Boys and "I'll Make Love to You" by Boyz II Men for several months before getting a clue! Not to worry, we just sang "I'll make cookies with you" instead. Yes, for real!

  2. Poor Sarah! I'm so sorry you were in such a disorganized stake. Thank heavens for your righteousness.

  3. Indeed. I met my eternal companion at one of the said stake dances. Of course never did we allow Satan to tempt us into dancing any closer than Book of Mormon distance apart.

  4. I think Single Adult activities are calculated to inflict the maximum amount of torture for the sin of being single. As though celibacy wasn't enough.