A Word From The Bishop

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: The Archives of Bishop Loomis
Subject: Proper Administration of the Sacrament


Having received a series of complaints over our ineptness in supplying the Sacrament bread a couple of Sundays ago, the current bishopric decided the ward might like to revisit the policy under former Bishop Brent Loomis, whose shocking murder last year remains unsolved.

THE WARD ACCORDING TO BISHOP LOOMIS

Administration of the Sacrament

The partaking of the sacrament is among the most holy events of our week, rivaled only by temple attendance, family prayer and blessings, and sacred intimacy with one’s eternal companion. (Refer to my pamphlet, What Not To Do In Bed: Fifty Rules for Appropriate Sexual Intercourse.) However too often the passing of the bread and water is reduced to a carnival atmosphere, with cotton-mouthed Priests muffing the prayer, Teachers who can’t manage to fill a water cup, attention deficit Deacons sleepwalking the trays around the chapel, and a ditsy congregation that scatters itself all over the building and grounds. The result? An alarming number of Abbottsville saints are missing the opportunity to ingest the body of Christ! Given this crisis situation, I am setting in place the following guidelines:

1. Saturday night curfew.
I instruct all members of the Aaronic Priesthood to be home by 8:00 PM every Saturday. I instruct the ward Young Women to support this new directive. Think of your young brethren as champions preparing for the “big game.” The Elders’ Quorum will serve as enforcement with the help of the our newly purchased high beam flashlights and state of the art GPS tracking system. Mothers, please follow up by tucking your teenaged boys into bed by 8:30 and reading them The Book of Mormon until they fall asleep.

2. Sacrament preparation.
I instruct the Relief Society to deliver four loaves of sliced homemade bread to the ward kitchen no later that 4:00 PM on Saturday. Each slice should be lightly perforated into twelve equal squares. With the bread prepared in this manner, the Teachers’ Quorum will be free to focus on the delicate matter of filling the sacrament cups, a process that, if done properly, requires a measuring cup and eye-dropper.

3. Administration of the Sacrament.
Once the well rested Priests have recited the prayer and broken the bread into exact squares, the Deacons may come forward to pass to the congregation. Thanks to our new Bluetooth devices, I can now assume command from my post on the stand. With my voice in their ears, the Deacons will follow their color-coded routes as illustrated on this map:

4. Dress code.
I instruct all Aaronic Priesthood holders to wear navy blue suits, black dress shoes and socks, white shirts and red ties--except for the Deacons, whose ties must match their route color. White undershirts, of course, and either boxers or briefs are fine, so long as they are white, and so long as the priesthood holder doesn’t linger while putting them on.

I pray that all will embrace these inspired changes so that the partaking of the sacrament will become the stress-free, spiritually uplifting experience it’s meant to be. Remembering always, that it’s through obedience that we become free.

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