It's Relief Society Book Club Time!

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: Sister Susan Renfro, Ward Relief Society President
Subject: December book club titles

Next month sisters in the Go Sit in the Corner for women  book club may choose from the following titles:

Her Own Once Upon a Time

by President Uberdork

Before she can find her "happily ever after," Princess Eternal must first face adversity, mulch a bed of forget-me-nots, and learn the sole value of a woman's remarkables.

Take THAT Science
by Zelph Sorenson

In the tenth installment of the Captain Moroni series, Scienceman and his band of evil doctoral candidates invade Bountiful, Utah and threaten to spread their pernicious theories of evolution, global warming, and cholesterol. Fearing that the fair citizens of Bountiful will be exposed to facts, the mayor sends for Captain Moroni who bravely saves the day, donning his Title of Liberty cape and conking the evil-doers over the head with his horn.

When Rulon Met Merrilee
by Shirlyn Frost

When Rulon and Merrilee embark on a cross-country road trip from Ogden to Provo, it seems they have nothing in common. That is, until Rulon tells a knock-knock joke that almost makes Merrilee giggle. They both turn red and apologize. After that, they arrive in Provo, shake hands goodbye and never see each other again.

If you would like to stop receiving these emails, we'll send you our best knock-knock jokes.

(Or you could check out False Prophet--hint, hint)

Sister's First General Conference Prayer Leaked!

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: Susan Renfro, Relief Society President
Subject: Official transcript of sister's conference prayer

Hours ago, the Church Correlation Committee released an official transcript of the prayer that "Mormon feminist," Barbie Wooley, will be delivering in this weekend's General Conference. Read below and be inspired:

Our dear, kind Heavenly Father, 

My fellow sisters and I are so grateful to be Thy beloved spirit daughters. We thank Thee for giving our lives meaning, purpose, and direction. 

We pray, dear Heavenly Father, that with Thy divine guidance, we may continue to find nobility in motherhood, joy in womanhood, and delight in our divine destiny.

  

We also ask, dear Heavenly Father, that Thou will help us, your beloved daughters, to be ever-mindful that we are each entitled to a satisfying and fulfilling experience in any church position. So long as the priesthood is always on top.

--Amen

If you would like to stop receiving these e-mails, we'll assume you don't understand what your assigned position is.

End Of The World Confessional To The Abbottsville Fourth

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: Wilbur T. Nussel, 2nd Counselor in the Elders' Quorum Presidency
Subject: I confess just in time for the apocalypse

At first I was a little skeptical about the whole Mayan calendar doomsday prediction for 12/21/12. But then I saw women wearing pants to church last Sunday and I realized that it truly is the end of the world. So before I meet my maker, I'd better get a few things off of my chest.

First, to Bishop Zimmerman, I still have that hammer you lent me last year, and I admit I had no intention of returning it . . . until now. I'll try to get it back to you before tomorrow.

To Sister Renfro, I'm sorry to say that I'm the one who dented your fender in the church lot last April.

To all of you, remember how I used to get up in Fast and Testimony Meeting and apologize for offending people? Well, the truth is, I wasn't sorry. I mean, let's face it, Brother Harold does have doggy breath, Sister Riley probably has the biggest caboose on the planet, and the whole ward knows that Brother Gibson is gay. So I wasn't sorry and I apologize for lying to you.

I must also apologize to the 6 or 7 people I accidentally poisoned at the last ward potluck. That's right. It was my casserole. But honestly, who knew Spam had an expiration date?

To the Spencers, when I housesat for you in June I snuck into your file cabinet and reviewed your past tax returns. Also I used some of your "cooking" wine for medicinal purposes, and I'm afraid I'm responsible for that mysterious stain on Sister Renfro's thong panties. (My bad.)

To Brother Jeffries, I admit I've entertained many impure thoughts about your wife. Heck I'm not the only one. The woman has a body that won't quit. But I swear I wasn't the one who leaked those naked pictures of her onto the Internet. Also, I totally believe that it's just her head photoshopped onto another woman's body.

To Jenny, I really shouldn't have gone that far with you in the backseat after the stake Mix and Mingle. Your dad's right. I should marry you and make you an honest woman. Only now it's too late.

I hope this clears me with my maker and that tomorrow I'll see each and every one of you in the Celestial Kingdom, because you guys are the best ward ever!

Now I'm going to go out and return all of your Christmas presents.

If you would like to stop receiving these emails, just wait until tomorrow.

Also watch this review of The Girls From Fourth Ward and 2 other great Mormon-themed books by Bishop Flat Lander! Hint--Just in time for "Smithmas."

Musings From The Mission Field: I Was Way Ready At 18

To: abbottsville fourth ward
From: elder young, france paris mission
Subject: the new mission ages are true!

dear abbottsville fourth,

It was one of those times when you'll always remember where you were when you heard. Like the moon landing or when we captured bin laden or when the monica lewinsky story broke.

last saturday President Monson changed the age of full time missionaries from 19 to 18 for men, and from 21 to 19 for girls and cut their preparation time in the missionary training center.

and where were comp and i? 

sitting in the church on rue st. merri. 

and what did we do when the news broke? 

me, comp and all the other elders lept in the air, gave each other high 5's, ran out onto the rue st. merri and did a little happy dance all the way to the george pompidoo center and back. WOO HOO!

:-)))))))))))))))) hahahahahaha

only after that we were kind of bummed because that horse faced sister missionary and some other old maids were acting all bossy and prideful and saying that 18 was too young for us guys to go on missions and that we needed more not less training. :-(((((((

shows you how much THEY know. we're talking about lds priesthood holders here!!!! they're more than ready to serve at 18. heaven knows I was. and anywho, if an occasional elder is a little on the greenish side, he'll have seasoned elders like good old comp and me to raise him up to our level of spiritual maturity. :-))))))))

also missionaries need less not more training. take comp and me. we spent way too much time learning french. every time we try to talk to parisians in french all they do is shout back a bunch of words we weren't allowed to translate at the MTC. what good is that.???

all a missionary really needs to learn at the MTC is some unique door approaches, clever comebacks to all of satan's arguments, a commitment to "never take no for an answer," a little jujitsu, some basic escape and evasion tactics, and the ability to run like heck at a moment's notice. voila! hahahaha :-))))))))))))))

so take that sister horse face and all you other miss bossy pantses. face it, what's really bothering you is that the new 19 year old sister missionaries are going to be way hotter than any of you and when you get back home youll all be in your mid-twenties and too over the hill and fat and prideful to get dates. SO THERE! :-PPPPP

thanks again for all the care packages, especially sister renfro's coconut filled mud balls. please send more. it takes alot to sustain our testimonies! :-))))))))

love, elder young

If you would like to stop receiving these emails, we suggest you learn some basic escape and evasion tactics.

Musings From The Mission Field - I'm Just Like Mitt!

To: abbottsville 4th ward
From: elder young, france paris mission
Subject: i'm just like elder romney!!!!! :-))))

hey abbottsville 4th!!!!!

first of all, thanks to sister renfro for the super yummy cream filled coconut balls! :-)))) comp and I polished off all 4 dozen of them in like idk a minute. haahahahaha

But even more thanks to brother newsome for sending us that giant box of romney stickers!!!!!! :-)))))

when we first saw them we hollered out YES!!!! gave each other double high-five and did a little happy dance all around the post office. then we looked around to see that everyone was all quiet and starring at us. that made us bummed all over again--not because people were all quiet and starring at us. that happens all the time. :-)))) we were bummed that the only people around us were french and they can't vote for elder romney. :-((((((((((((

then it hit us. ELDER ROMNEY-GeT IT? he also served a mission in france!!!! he tracted out Noter Dame and the Loover just like us, same way with the Musay Rodant. he probably even placed book of mormons at Hermies on the rue st. hornery, JUSt LIKE US!!! not only that, he probably had some super cool foot races with the gendarmes and the french police and who knows who else!!!! :-))))))

now it was clear that Heavenly Father had sent us here to bare witness not only to all the great things elder romney had done for america--but also for france!!!!! hahahahaha :-)))))) comp and i planned right then and there to spend our next preparation day going back to all those places and pass out romney stickers.

only when P day rolled around we found out that a bunch of us were supposed to go on this dumb field trip. It was arranged by that horse-faced sister missionary whose always going on about culture and trying to get us to look at art and stuff. this time she made us go to this place called givenchy, the home of this weird painter guy named Monay who obviously had really screwed up eyesight. anyway who cared about him? elder romney was way more interesting.

most people seemed to be outside, so comp and i went out into this really big backyard and wound around past all these people who were oohing and aahing over the flowers. It was an okay garden and all, but nothing like my Aunt Wilma's. it didn't even have nomes.

finally we got to this lake with a super tall footbridge. right off i knew it would be the perfect place to speak to the crowd about elder romney. then i turned to see horseface running toward us.

"where are you two going? we haven't finished our tour of the house yet."

"comp and i came outside to speak to people about elder romney."

"you will do no such thing"

-- her face got all red and she started to shake. also her voice sounded even more sarcastic than usual. i was a little scared but i didn't let on --

"i am determined to have one experience in france that isn't ruined by you two IMBECILES! will you please come back to the house!"

see what i mean about horseface? luckily comp and i don't let it get to us. we know that we're way more spiritually mature than she is. also she's just a girl.

"no way MISS BOSSY PANTS," i told her. hahahahaha

she unhooked that 10 ton sack of cement she calls a handbag from her shoulder and swung it at my head. i ducked and she went flying over me into the pond. she and the cement sack made this enormous splash and disappeared in the water. for a sec i was worried b/c she was under kind of a long time. then she came to the surface with her skirt over her head and started to drag the cement back to shore. boy does that girl have fat knees. at least i think it was her knee.

anywho, comp and i seized the opportunity and raced to the top of the bridge. comp took the stickers out of his backpack and tossed them toward the people along the banks. only the wind caught them and they all fell in the water, which was great because it turned monay's pond into a giant floating romney ad. then i called out:

Attention french citizens! we come as elder romney's ambassadors, and are happy to report that soon the leader of the free world will be a man who has done as much for France as comp and i have!

then things went all quiet, and everyone was starring at us. It was way spiritchul. :-))))

please keep those care packages coming, abbottsville 4th. comp and i need lots to sustain our testimonies. also send more stickers. we'll need 10 times as many when we visit Versatille!!!! hahaha lolololololololololololol :-)))))))))

love, elder young

If you would like to stop receiving these emails, you can just forget it MISS BOSSY PANTS!

Be An LDS Supermom!

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: Susan Renfro, Ward Relief Society President
Subject: How to be a Supermom

Because many members of our Relief Society complain about the stresses of motherhood, I'm forwarding this transcript from a recent installment of GET A LIFE! courtesy BYU Television.

GET A LIFE!

from BYU

Sister Bailey:

Good morning, I'm Karen Bailey, hostess of GET A LIFE! Today our guest is Dr. David Doosh from the BYU Counseling Center. He is here discuss how to be a "supermom." Welcome to our show, Dr. Doosh.

Dr. Doosh:

Thank you for having me.

Sister Bailey:

Dr. Doosh, many mothers in our community complain that they can't be what some call "Supermoms," meaning that they just can't do it all. For example, a friend recently told me that she wished her husband would watch the children more often and that he would stop referring to it "babysitting." After all, he's the parent too. What would you say to this woman?

Dr. Doosh:

I would tell your friend to reframe her outlook. Yes, they are both parents, but they have entirely different stewardships. When her husband refers to caring for his own children as "babysitting" he is paying her an obvious compliment. He is telling his wife that he knows he has neither the patience nor the inclination for childcare that she possesses. The same is true when he leaves the cooking and the cleaning in her charge. 

Sister Bailey:

Interesting. So you're saying my friend's husband is really being considerate?

Dr. Doosh:

Exactly. Look at it this way. What if she were to say to her husband, "Honey, how about if I fly to Vegas and attend your convention, and you stay home and be the mom." Well, he'd probably be insulted, don't you think? 

Sister Bailey:

Yes, I see your point. Now, Doctor, what advice would you give the mother who just doesn't have enough time or energy to complete all of the chores on her list?

Dr. Doosh:

First off, she needs to prioritize. She could begin by recognizing that as head of the household, her husband's needs come first. Accordingly, the top of her list should include things like "food" and "sex." After that, "laundry," "carpool," "vacuuming," etc. Then at the bottom, things like "personal time."

Sister Bailey:

So if she can't do it all, she can at least accomplish the important things. 

Dr. Doosh:

Yes, and I'd also tell her to quit thinking of it as a "list of chores" and start thinking of it as a "list of opportunities." For example, instead of bemoaning how much she hates cleaning the toilet, she could be grateful for the opportunity to eliminate her husband's waste.

Sister Bailey:

I sure enjoy flushing my husband's waste.

Dr. Doosh:

My wife says the same thing! It's a natural feminine reaction. Remember it's not the task. It's the task itself. If a woman would stop reacting to the task, and start appreciating the task itself, she'd lose sight of the task, love the task itself, and stop overreacting to the tasking. I think... Anyway, it's not personal.

Sister Bailey:

What about the mother who is depressed because her life isn't turning out the way she expected it would? How would you help her meet her expectations?

Dr. Doosh:

I'd tell her to lower them. After all, who does she think she is? I'd also tell her to learn to laugh. Laughter is a huge buffer. When she feels like crying -- laugh. When she's exhausted and wants to lie down -- laugh. When she's so angry she wants to scream -- laugh. My wife laughs all day long. It's marvelous.

Sister Bailey:

One final question, Doctor. I have a dear, dear friend who told me last week that she just isn't cut out to be a wife and mother, that she has neither the desire nor the skills to fill that role. What would you say to her?

Dr. Doosh:

I'd say she's being too hard on herself. I mean she must have a few talents. At the very least, she's probably good in bed. That's something to be proud of. So she should focus on what she's good at, and in the meantime work on developing the other skills. For example, she could take a cooking class.

Sister Bailey:

I have been talking with Dr. David Doosh of the BYU Counseling Center. Thank you for sharing your excellent advice with our viewers, Doctor.

Dr. Doosh:

You're very welcome! 

Sister Bailey:

Next week on GET A LIFE! my guest will be Dr. Nephi Gladstone from the BYU Medical Center. We will discuss how temple garments can increase sexual fulfillment. Be sure and tune in!

If you would like to stop receiving these emails, you're probably confusing the task with the task at hand.

It's Relief Society Book Club Time!

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward

From: Susan Renfro, Ward Relief Society President

Subject: August Book Club Meeting

Dear Sisters,

Please choose from the following titles:

Go Sit in the Corner

for women

Latter-day Saint sisters can prepare for another interesting read this August with the choice of the following titles from Go Sit in the Corner for women.

Fun With Freeze-Dried Cheese!

and other super creative recipes from your food storage.

by

Rita Marie Dastrup

LDS preparedness specialist and self proclaimed "foodie," Rita Dastrup, suggests clever ways to implement items from our food storage into everyday meals so that when the impending calamity occurs, our families will be accustomed to how bad everything tastes.

Alana's List

by

Clarice Samuelson

Marriage is the last thing on 18 year old Alana Baxter's mind. Not until she finishes "her list," that is. She doesn't care how many of her friends, family, and fellow ward members have taken the plunge. She's won't consider being tied down until she's completed her list of "must do's," a collection of ambitious goals that includes staying out past curfew, visiting Idaho, riding in a taxi cab, having a gay friend, and learning how to cook sushi. Then the tall, dark, and handsome returned missionary, Rulon Humbolt, walks into her life and sends that list of hers into the recycle.

Hie to Zarahemla

by

T. J. Benson, PhD

Sixteen year old Thad Hatch turns his dad's old Chevy Vega into a time machine that takes him back to the Book of Mormon land of Zarahemla. Eager for an exciting, swashbuckling adventure, Thad immediately signs on to join the Lamanites in their battle against the Gadianton Robbers!  -- Only he ends up spending most of his time searching for his horse.

One Sister's Quiet Desperation

by

Joan Allred

Sister Joan Allred recalls the private hell she endured upon learning her son suffered from same-sex attraction. Follow her heart wrenching journey beginning with her desperate efforts to call him to repentance, then her frustrating and failed efforts to cure him, and finally her brave decision to cut him off entirely for the sake of her family. Read how this exemplary LDS woman emerged from the experience with a strengthened testimony, a determination to never see her son in this life or the next, and the realization that the whole thing is her fault.

If you would like to stop receiving these emails, our Ward Preparedness Specialist, Brother "Bull" Barton will stop by with a Freeze-Dried Cheese Variety Kit just for you.

It's Relief Society Book Club Time!

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward

From: Susan Renfro, Ward Relief Society President

Subject: February Book Club Meeting

Dear Sisters,

Please choose from the following titles:

Go Sit in the Corner

for women

Latter-day Saint sisters can prepare for another interesting read this February with the choice of the following titles from Go Sit in the Corner for women.

FREEZE!  a memoir

by

 Sergeant K. "Rocky" Maxwell (Ret.)

For four decades Sergeant Maxwell served as both a beat cop and a Mormon bishop, demonstrating the discipline, the courage, and the sheer guts the two roles demand. Gun in one hand and Book of Mormon in the other, Maxwell patrolled the city streets and the ward meetinghouse, keeping his citizens safe, and his sacrament meetings reverent. Read the inspiring story that the LDS Church Correlation Committee is currently referencing for the next edition of the bishop's Official Church Handbook.

The Reformed Egyptian Code

by

G. Hyrum Madsen, PhD

BYU religion professor, LaVerl Evans, is hired by the Department of Homeland Security to decipher some terrorist communications in Egypt. To his amazement, instead of messages from terrorists, the writing turns out to be an encrypted version of the 116  lost pages of the Book of Mormon! Brother Evans then finds himself in a race to rescue the sacred pages from a nefarious cabal of feminists, gays, and so-called intellectuals who plan to turn them into a really bad situation comedy. Based on a true story.

Mandy's Dilemma 

by

Joyce Featherstone Smith

Rhodes Scholar, Pulitzer Prize winning journalist, and occasional swimsuit model, Mandy Bates, spends her return flight from Paris contemplating her vapid, insignificant, and unsatisfying life. Upon landing, she wanders into a Hogi Yogi , intent on drowning her sorrows in a succession of Mint Cookie Collisions. Instead she catches the eye of the tawny and buff assistant manager, Thad Sorenson.  As soon as his shift is over, they hit the town together, and take in the Orem nightlife. Her appetite aroused by her first taste of wholesome fun, Mandy accepts Thad's invitation to the upcoming ward pot luck. Later she remembers -- the pot luck conflicts with her scheduled photo shoot on Leonardo DeCaprio's yacht. 

Herein lies Mandy's dilemma:

or

 Laugh, cry, and prepare for your heart to be touched, when you read of Mandy's struggle over this tough call.

If you would like to stop receiving these e-mails, we'll assume you're one of the feminists, gays, or so-called intellectuals who voted in the 2010 Brodie Awards.

Super Special Tips For Stay At Home Moms

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: Susan Renfro, Ward Relief Society President
Subject: Tips for SAHM's

This past Saturday the Relief Society was privileged to hear from LDS home efficiency expert, La Rae Sorenson*, whose book,  The Righteous Stay at Home Mom, tops the Deseret Book best sellers list. Here is an excerpt from her presentation.

While all LDS mothers know that the Lord expects them to stay at home, many make the mistake of believing that staying at home implies an unstructured environment, where mother drops the children off at school, then feels free to go where the day takes her. Such selfishness suggests a slovenly approach to a woman's sacred duty, invites Satan into the home, and leaves the children at risk of growing up to be drug addicts, pedifiles, convicted felons, or even worse, feminists, gays, and intellectuals.

For the sake of her family, the righteous SAHM follows a church approved schedule. Here is a typical example:

8:00: Drop children off at school.

8:00-9:00: Ward meeting house assignment -- sanitize the men's room urinals.

9:00-10:00: Visiting Teaching -- Monthly Message: The Divine Role of Women. 

10:00-11:00: Prune bottling at the Stake Cannery.

12:00: Lunch -- prunes.

12:00-1:00: Knit 2 dozen baby booties for the stake president to present to the children's hospital.

1:00-2:00: Prepare 45 tin foil dinners for the ward father-son camp-out.

2:00-3:00: Plan Relief Society Personal Enrichment lesson: Fun with Dryer Lint!

3:00: Pick up children at school.

3:00-6:00: Return to the meeting house to set up and cook for the Ward Chili Cook-off -- while simultaneously enjoying quality time with children.

6:00: Dinner -- chili.

6:00-9:00: Clean up the ward cultural hall and kitchen.

9:00: Tuck children in bed.

9:00-??: Prepare 3 tubs of prune whip for tomorrow's Elders' Quorum Social.

*Sister LaRae Sorenson is mother of nine with one on the way. She home schools, sews all of her family's clothes, cooks exclusively from scratch, cans the proceeds of her 4 acre vegetable garden, teaches Primary, works in the temple, is a stake missionary, and runs the church welfare farm. In her spare time she enjoys clipping coupons, tatting, and playing Farmtown.

This month's Use Your Food Storage recipe was contributed by Sister Zina Rowley.

Pinto Bean Fudge

1 cup pinto beans, cooked and mashed

1/2 cup cocoa powder

up to 1/4 cup evaporated milk

4 pounds sugar

1 can of Crisco

1/4 cup chopped walnuts (optional)

Melt Crisco, add in sugar until dissolved then mix in the remaining ingredients and spread onto a cookie sheet. Place in the refrigerator. Check occasionally by poking with a fork. Fudge is done when it is no longer possible to extract the fork.

Bon Appetit!

  If you would like to stop receiving these e-mails, you run the risk that your kids will grow up to be feminists, gays or intellectuals.

It's Relief Society Book Club Time!

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward

From: Susan Renfro, Ward Relief Society President

Subject: September Book Club Meeting

Dear Sisters,

Please choose from the following titles:

Go Sit in the Corner

for women

Latter-day Saint sisters can prepare for another interesting read this September with the choice of the following titles from Go Sit in the Corner for women.

Nephi and Sariah's Excellent Adventure

by

C. Gordon Young, Ph.D

When seventeen year old fraternal twins Nephi and Sariah Price discover a portal in the bottom of their grandpa's potato cellar, they swirl back in time to Book of Mormon days. Armed with only their testimonies and Nephi's Liahona decoder ring, they navigate a maze of wicked kings, stripling warriors, secret combinations, and a few harlots. Will our hero and heroine's Jaredite barge ever resurface? Will they win the tapir-drawn chariot race? Will they ever get through all of Second Nephi? Read this sword-wielding, sling-hurling page turner to find out.

The Mormon Urban Renewal Project

by

Dallin McConkie Smoot Richards II

Two LDS missionaries are sent to the south side of Chicago where they tract out a block that is frequented by crack dealers. The elders compete with the dealers by selling incredibly awesome Rice Krispies Treats they've created by combining their moms' recipes. The crack dealers go broke, the missionaries get rich, and everyone on the block joins the church. Devoting themselves to the gospel, the new members remove their tattoos, listen to Glen Beck, sell Amway, and pledge money to end gay marriage in California. As a result the entire block turns white! They put up picket fences, decorate their yards with garden gnomes, and petition the Chicago zoning office to transform a nearby abandoned school into a Costco Club.

Pride or Paycheck

by

Tisha Sweet

LDS English girl, Elizabeth Smith, is not yet one and twenty, and not in want of a husband. Indeed, nobody at the Hertfordshire Stake Singles' Ball could tempt her. Certainly not that snob from Salt Lake City, Rulon Parmenter. What nerve he has, arriving late, refusing to dance, and flaunting his upper class East Bench accent. Then her friend Charlotte tells her he's a flight attendant for Delta Airlines. Blimey! That's a real job! ... Could it be that Elizabeth has found her Brother Darcy?

If you would like to stop receiving these e-mails, click here.

It's Relief Society Book Club Time!

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: Susan Renfro, Ward Relief Society President
Subject: April Book Club Meeting

Dear Sisters,
Please choose from the following titles:

Go Sit in the Corner

for women

Latter-day Saint sisters can prepare for another interesting read this April with the choice of the following titles from Go Sit in the Corner for women.

The Questions You Should Have Asked

by

Elder M. Ross Andersen

Second Quorum of the Seventy

Sisters may increase their spirituality, hone their gospel acumen, and obtain further light and knowledge by letting Elder Andersen answer the questions they should have asked. -- As opposed to the questions they usually ask, that make no sense and only lead to trouble.

Just a Mother!

by 

Melinda Price Maxwell

Former cable news weather-girl, Melinda Price Maxwell, recalled the time she attended a stylish soiree on Manhattan's Upper East Side. The exclusive guest list included LDS celebrities, athletes, billionaires, Republican politicians, talk show hosts, Gladys Knight and the descendants of the first handcart company. Over dinner, Melinda asked the wife of an LDS billionaire, "What do you do?" "I'm just a mother," the woman replied. In that moment, Melinda's life changed. Follow the true life story of this amazing woman who traveled the globe, mixed with top journalists and A-list celebrities, flew into the eye of a hurricane, and almost had a date with Ben Affleck. Then cry when you read how she gave it all up to marry a humble returned missionary and settle down to be, Just a Mother!  
***Sisters who choose this title will receive a free ticket to Melinda's Just a Mother! Twenty State Speaking Tour, as well as a sample of her new Just a Mother! fragrance line.

Zion's Last Outpost

by

General William "The Wall" Smith, (Ret.)

Our saga begins in the Pre-Existence, where Hank and Sally meet at a ward Mix and Mingle, vow their eternal love, then promise to find each other on earth and build a global media empire that will spread Gospel truths. Fast forward to the last days, when evil liberal commentators have the entire country drinking their Kool Aid. Meanwhile the White House is in the hands of the descendant of some morally bankrupt intellectual free-thinkers from Kansas. And the Constitution hangs by a thread. Hank and Sally meet again, this time at a Washington D.C. ward Mix and Mingle. Sally is dropped off by limo. Hank arrives via helicopter. But their reunion is spoiled when Hank discovers that Heavenly Father sent Sally to earth in a body with chunky thighs and inconsequential breasts. Add to that, their former bishop in the Pre-Existence is now an alcoholic, down on his luck talk show host who has yet to find the truth. Will Hank overcome his fear of cellulite? Will Sally resort to silicon implants and liposuction? Will the talk show host throw off his sinful ways, accept the Gospel, and sign on with Hank and Sally's media empire? Will the White House again be "delightsome?" Will the Constitution ever be restitched? Check out this riveting page turner to find out.


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