Wednesday, August 11, 2010

It's Relief Society Book Club Time!

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: Susan Renfro, Ward Relief Society President
Subject: September Book Club Meeting

Dear Sisters,
Please choose from the following titles:

Go Sit in the Corner
for women

Latter-day Saint sisters can prepare for another interesting read this September with the choice of the following titles from Go Sit in the Corner for women.

Nephi and Sariah's Excellent Adventure
C. Gordon Young, Ph.D

When seventeen year old fraternal twins Nephi and Sariah Price discover a portal in the bottom of their grandpa's potato cellar, they swirl back in time to Book of Mormon days. Armed with only their testimonies and Nephi's Liahona decoder ring, they navigate a maze of wicked kings, stripling warriors, secret combinations, and a few harlots. Will our hero and heroine's Jaredite barge ever resurface? Will they win the tapir-drawn chariot race? Will they ever get through all of Second Nephi? Read this sword-wielding, sling-hurling page turner to find out.

The Mormon Urban Renewal Project
Dallin McConkie Smoot Richards II

Two LDS missionaries are sent to the south side of Chicago where they tract out a block that is frequented by crack dealers. The elders compete with the dealers by selling incredibly awesome Rice Krispies Treats they've created by combining their moms' recipes. The crack dealers go broke, the missionaries get rich, and everyone on the block joins the church. Devoting themselves to the gospel, the new members remove their tattoos, listen to Glen Beck, sell Amway, and pledge money to end gay marriage in California. As a result the entire block turns white! They put up picket fences, decorate their yards with garden gnomes, and petition the Chicago zoning office to transform a nearby abandoned school into a Costco Club.

Pride or Paycheck
Tisha Sweet

LDS English girl, Elizabeth Smith, is not yet one and twenty, and not in want of a husband. Indeed, nobody at the Hertfordshire Stake Singles' Ball could tempt her. Certainly not that snob from Salt Lake City, Rulon Parmenter. What nerve he has, arriving late, refusing to dance, and flaunting his upper class East Bench accent. Then her friend Charlotte tells her he's a flight attendant for Delta Airlines. Blimey! That's a real job! ... Could it be that Elizabeth has found her Brother Darcy?

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  1. laugh out loud funny!!! PLEASE tell me these will be real books some day!

  2. Of course! And all of them cataloged as non-fiction. Thanks for reading, Sarah.

  3. My temple name is DeborahAugust 12, 2010 at 8:11 PM

    This post was inspired!

  4. Judging by those garden gnomes, I think the rice krispy treats sold so well because they were laced with mushrooms. Yikes!

    Great post! I love how you remember where Isaiah was plagerized in the Book of Mormon. It was sooo boring, I mean no one even died!

  5. Dear My temple name is Deborah, this post was likely inspired by those mushrooms Steve referred to (or perhaps a glass of chardonnay.) I know, 2nd Nephi sucks. I vote the 3 Nephites leave their Book of Mormons home tomorrow!

  6. Bwaaaaaaaaaaaaahahahahahahahahahahaha!

  7. Donna, you've done it again. You've captured the LDS womens experience and influences in perfect form, from the completely predictable journey of the siblings to the didactic preachy tone of the urban renewal, and then sealed the deal with a nice time warp of Mormon housewifery that all good girls should dream of. Love the reference to the East Bench accent. Nice and smarmy.

    You make me pee my panties, you're so damn funny.