From: Millie Loomis, self-appointed ward media and culture critic
Subject: Ex-Mormons desecrate Utah Pioneer Day
Like most students of history, I consider July 24 to be a pivotal date in human history. After all, it's the day that the Mormons rode into the Salt Lake Valley to establish our kingdom. That makes it the Fourth of July, Veterans Day, and Christmas rolled into one. So when I heard that the ex-Mormons were gathering to mock our founding fathers on their sacred day, I decided to sneak into the party and expose them as the pathetic low-lifes they've become.
Last Saturday afternoon I disguised myself as an ex-Mormon and drove to a seedy bar in San Francisco called the Hotel Utah Saloon.
Stake Single Adults' Program.
I made a mental note to report them to the bishop, then moved across the room, only to see former Stake President Taylor wearing a plaid shirt, and nursing a suspicious beverage labeled, O'Doul's.
He shot me a look and said, "Millie, will you go home and take off that ridiculous get-up?!"
"Pardonee moi, who eez Millie?" I replied. (Fortunately, I have a convincing French accent thanks to my recent See Zion First tour of Paris.)
He grabbed my arm in an ungentleman-like manner and pulled me toward the door. I shut my eyes and prayed for divine help. In an instance, my saviors appeared.