Tuesday, July 13, 2010

LDS Less Active Endures "Teaching Moment"

To Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: Ward Mission Leader, H. LaVar Turley
Subject: Teaching the Less Active

Less Actives can be so closed-minded. Always refusing our efforts to educate them. Sometimes we're tempted to just blow them off, leave them to their ignorant ways. But here's the thing. Nobody in their right mind leaves the one and only true church. Consider the shallow reason the Less Active left in the first place. Some minor personal slight, a delusional claim about church history, or simply the desire to booze it up in front of the porn channel. Face it, he's misinformed, and doesn't know what he wants. When he says "I don't agree," I hear "you're right." When he says "the church is based on lies," I hear "the church is true!" When he says "no thank you," I hear "yes please." So when I learned that some Less Actives were angry about the Mormons' campaign for Proposition 8, I thought, teaching moment!

The following exchange occurred in the living room of one such Less Active:

Me: Good evening Brother Misinformed, I've brought some of my wife's nut loaf.

Brother Misinformed: I don't want any stupid nut loaf, and you know it. Why are you really here?

Me: I understand you were offended by the church's support of Proposition 8.

Brother Misinformed: You're darned right I was. I think you Mormons are a bunch of homophobes.

Me: Brother Misinformed, may we engage in a thoughtful discussion?

Brother Misinformed: I believe I can, yes.

Me: Excellent. I think that if you open your mind and apply a little logic, you will find that we Mormons are neither homophobic nor prejudiced. In fact, we love our gay brothers and sisters, and welcome them into our fold, so long as they choose to be straight.

Brother Misinformed: Tell me something, Turley. Have you ever met a gay or lesbian?

Me: I've had many gay friends, that is until I discovered they were having sex with members of their own gender. Don't you see? This is why it's crucial that the church step in to defend traditional marriage.

Brother Misinformed: Traditional marriage? Is that what you Mormons call it? Joseph Smith had over thirty wives, Brigham Young, more than fifty. The LDS church calls gay monogamy a sin, but exalts polygamy as an "eternal principle."

Me: I don't know that we teach it.

Brother Misinformed: Plural marriage is alive and well in Section 132 of the Doctrine and Covenants, and in your temples.

Me: Oh -- you.

Brother Misinformed: Turley, if this is your idea of a thoughtful discussion, then you're nuttier that your wife's loaf.

Me: I know you are, but what am I?

Brother Misinformed leaps to his feet and tells me to @#$& off. I cover my ears and chant, "I can't hear you." He disappears down the hall. I wait on the couch a few seconds, then creep into the hallway. Two doors, both of them closed. I try the first. Sister Misinformed is stepping out of the shower. She screams. Oops! Awkward.

I try the second door, it's locked. I knock. No response. I bang on the door. No response. I bang on the door and sing out "yoo-hoo" simultaneously. He comes out holding a baseball bat. I quickly back down the hall.

Me: My you are the athlete, are you off hit some softballs?

Brother Misinformed: Maybe I'll whack a couple right now.

I run for the car. As I pull away from the curb I see he is on the porch with his bat. He uses it to knock my wife's nut loaf into the street. I give him a cheery wave, congratulate myself on my success, and make yet another mental note to pick up some body armor.

The Church is true! Amen.

If you would like to stop receiving these e-mails, we will forward your request to the Stake President, the Brethren, and your mother.


  1. My temple name is DeborahJuly 14, 2010 at 9:31 PM

    Those gash dern less actives, always so surly.

    LOVED the nut loaf homerun visual!

  2. Less actives are just confused...and bitter. ;-)