Wednesday, July 7, 2010

LDS Stake Single Adults Have Some 'Splaining To Do!

To: Abbottsville Stake Single Adults
From: Mitchell Knightly, President of the Abbottsville Stake
Subject: Temporary suspension of the Stake Single Adults program

In light of recent events, I have decided to suspend all activities until I can be assured that your excellent Single Adults Leader, Ricky Foote, will be treated with the dignity, respect, and appreciation he deserves. I understand that he is young enough to be your son, and, in fact, that one of you is his actual mother. But, as I've said before, what Ricky lacks in age, he makes up for in inspired wisdom and priesthood authority. And he is devoted to you, the brothers and sisters he looked up to as a child. He wants nothing more than to find a sweetheart for his old principal, an eternal companion for his former pediatrician, and for himself, a new step-dad. None of you should consider yourselves on par with Ricky Foote. If you were, you would be married.

As always, I am willing to listen. In the coming weeks, I will be meeting with you individually to discuss your concerns, as well as your responses to The Official Worthiness Questionnaire. Here are a few thoughts for now.

Dear Sisters,
You have e-mailed me the following:

"I'm a working mom and don't have time to decorate cars with unscrewed Oreos."

"I am happy with my life and career, and don't need to go out looking for love."

"Isn't it enough that I go to church with the a$$holes on Sunday? Must I marry one too?"

"There is no place for a single woman in the LDS faith."

The first three complaints demonstrate a serious lack of respect for the Lord's anointed, and will be better dealt with in the upcoming one on one interviews. However, I am prepared to address the final concern at present.

There is a place for single women in our faith. But it is up to you to take it! The Abbottsville Stake offers countless opportunities for you to proudly assume your divine roll. Look around. There's the ward nursery, the understocked church freezers, the interior of the Turley's Suburban, and, thanks to the Brethren's inspired decision to lay off the janitors, the ward toilets.

I call on all single sisters to tend to your duties. You may begin by removing the pudding stains from Ricky Foote's dress suit.


Dear Brethren,
I feel I must take a stronger tone with you. The sisters have something of an excuse, as the priesthood has the responsibility of making the first move. So, I must ask, what the devil are you waiting for?

Brigham Young said that a single man over twenty-five is a menace to society.

In light of that knowledge, I am confused by the e-mails I have received from some of you:

"I don't want a wife or kids, and I don't have time to clean out the Turley's Suburban."

"As a 55 year old nuclear physicist, I've no interest in participating in a 'no hands pudding eating contest.'"

"I'm gay."

"The single women in the stake are either too fat, too ugly, or too bossy to go out with."

I am prepared to dismiss all but the final of these flimsy excuses.

Well of course they are. What did you expect?

If you'd been responsible, and married within six months of returning home from your mission, you'd have gotten that cute little sweet spirit before she had time to work or get fat or be educated. But you didn't did you? And you've only yourselves to blame.

Now forget the past and move onto the present. Let me point out that those cute little sweet spirits don't always stay cute. (Checked out Sister Turley lately?) Nor do they always stay sweet. (Margaret Spencer, for example.) The fact is, a lot of us married guys don't have it so great either. But we do have one advantage over you singles. That is, as married brethren, we are destined for the highest level of the Celestial Kingdom, where the eternal doctrine of plural marriage will be restored.

So I beg you, brethren, to take another look at those single sisters. Some of them aren't half bad. Plus marrying one in this life will ensure you all of these in the next:

If you would like to stop receiving these e-mails, the Turley Family will drop over Sunday morning to drive you to church in their Suburban.


  1. Donavan, the 4th NephiteJuly 8, 2010 at 1:20 PM

    Gay heaven looks very similar, except there are drag queens who LOOK like the above and MORE Calvin Klein or D&G (Dolce and Gabanna) underwear models running around. Nearly naked. And looking ever-fit and tan.

  2. Thanks for the thumbs up, Sarah. But to Donavan, my condolences. As the 4th Nephite, your immortality prevents you from ever entering Gay Heaven! -- I hope all those stranded motorists you've saved appreciate your sacrifice.

  3. Perhaps the Singles Crowd should take a lesson from the creative folks in Utah who recently rented bouncy castles and invited the Singles in for a fun bounce session which inevitably ended up in a few sprained knees and some unsightly groping as the larger gals entered the castle and tipped the balance just enough that the guys were forced into once corner as the gals came blobbling toward them. Major boobage got going into a sort of expotential sway that gave one gal a black eye and several of the guys whiplash.

    I only ever went to two LDS Singles events after my divorce and I was cured for life from ever wanting to attend again. The dances should be held in a meat packing plant and the ladies should just come and have a hook skewered through their spine and hung upside down becasue that couldn't be more humiliating than having the men go up and down the line of 3-1 women/men that are lining the walls and oggling you to see if you're worthy of a clumsy whirl on the dancefloor.

    I call my LDS Tri-Regional New Years Dance experience the "Four Hr. Four minute Trip to Hell and Back". It took an hr. to get ready, an hr. do drive there, four minutes inside to realize it was lame and humiliating, an hr. to drive home and another hr. in the tub and a pint of Ben and Jerry's New York Super Chunk Fudge to comfort myself into some sense of humanity again.

    I'd love Gay Heaven though. Those folks know how to have a party. I think they should take over the temples and make that experience worth the effort. I'll bet they could do wonders with the baptismal font and celestial room. The altars just need a set of stirrups and they're already set for lots of fun adventure.

  4. OMG, bouncy castles? You can't make this stuff up! Meat packing plant, great idea, also hilarious.

  5. Yes, it was something someone posted here: and I couldn't help but make fun of the whole premise of sexually repressed adults shoved precariously into a bouncy castle as a forced meet and greet, or meat and greet if it's a dance event.

  6. This is great stuff!!!! Thanks so much for sending me the link!

  7. Thank you, Leah. I added you to my blog roll.