Single Adults Get Final Warning!

To: Abbottsville Stake Single Adults
From: Mitchell Knightly, President of the Abbottsville Stake
Subject: MY FINAL WARNING!

Recently I suspended all Single Adults activities because of your gross mistreatment of  our esteemed Stake Single Adults leader, Ricky Foote. I met with each of you in extensive one on one interviews and listened to your concerns. I felt we had reached an understanding, that you were sufficiently humbled, and that I could finally reinstate our inspired Stake Single Adults program. Accordingly, I instructed Ricky to plan a fun New Year's Eve activity.


Then I was appalled to hear that after all of Ricky's labors, Sister Millie Loomis was the sole attendee at the Stake Single Adults' New Year's Eve Dance. Even her date failed to show up -- after she'd gone to the trouble to handcraft an invitation out of Sweet Tarts and deliver it via carrier pigeon.


But I was more disturbed when I heard that upon returning to the church parking lot, Ricky found the carrier pigeon locked inside of his car with the following note attached:

Sorry to POOP out on you, but we won't be DROPPING by the dance because we're tired of being treated like CR#P and think you're full of S%$T.* 

*edited for civility's sake. 

Clearly, I was wrong to assume you had learned your lesson.


As I said before, I know that Ricky is young enough to be your son, and that, in fact, one of you is his actual mother. But again I remind you that what Ricky lacks in age, he makes up for in inspired wisdom and priesthood authority. Moreover, he is devoted to all of you. He wants nothing more than to find a sweetheart for his old principal, an eternal companion for his former pediatrician, and for himself, a new step-dad. Again, I repeat:

None of you should consider yourselves on par with Ricky Foote. If you were, you would be married.

It's so tasty too!

As far as your treatment, you have gotten better than you deserve. According to my sources, instead of the wholesome LDS Single Adults' dance, you attended a New Year's Eve party thrown by the San Francisco Post-Mormons where you engaged in "lightmindedness, loud laughter, evil speaking of the Lord's anointed," and witnessed the public drunkenness of a certain disreputable female blogger.


After praying to our Heavenly Father, consulting with Ricky and your respective bishops, and evaluating your individual situations and standings in the community, I have made the following decision.

You're grounded.

From now until an undetermined time in the future, you will go nowhere but work, church, the temple, Costco, and the local FranklinCovey. Your goings and comings will be monitored by your home teachers, your visiting teachers, your quorum presidencies, your bishoprics, and, when necessary, the private security team, Big Beefy Tongans, Inc. 


During the period of your detention, I assign the following:

1. Complete the Official Worthiness Questionnaire.
2. Fast and pray.
3. Read Doctrine and Covenants 132 and Behind Every Good Man by John Bytheway.
4. Shampoo the interior of Ricky Foote's Hyundai.
5. Take turns feeding and caring for the pigeon. 
6. Staff the nursery at the upcoming Stake Valentines Day Dance.
7. Write a 500 word essay on what it means to be a "Menace to Society."
8. Make imaginative invitations asking that special someone to a future Single Adults' dance. Supplies can be found in your ward Primary closet.

Be aware that this is your FINAL WARNING! If any of you fail to obey all of the above commands, I will have no other choice than to report your misbehavior to your home teachers, your Relief Society presidency, your priesthood quorums, your bishopric, both Quorums of the Seventy, the Quorum of the Twelve, the First Presidency, the Deseret News, and your mothers.


After all, as your humble servant it is my job to look after your best interests.


If you would like to stop receiving these e-mails, don't be surprised if you receive a visit from Big Beefy Tongans, Inc.

   

It's Family Christmas Letter Time!

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: Ruth Turley, Relief Society Enrichment Leader
Subject: Merry Christmas from the Turley Family!

It's that wonderful time of year again, when we gather together as families, catch up with loved ones, and celebrate the season in the spirit of Christian charity.

In these trying economic times, when so many are facing unemployment, bankruptcy, and foreclosure, H. LaVar and I feel super blessed to be living in our brand new 5,000 square foot home, complete with a swimming pool, jacuzzi, and four car garage.

Be it ever so humble

Anywho, none of our possessions, not even our awesome new flat screen, are more precious to us than our six (soon to be seven) beautiful children.

Our year in review:

Tommy (14) participated in football, basketball, baseball, lacrosse, volleyball, choir, band, debate, chess club and yoga. Then on his 14th birthday, he added Stake Dances to his list of activities! At first the girls wouldn't dance with him. -- One even called him "booger." But a box of Kleenex, a little Clearasil and more frequent showers improved his luck with the ladies. (Only H. LaVar is now worried that some of Tommy's showers have been a little too long, and maybe include an "unclean" activity, if you get my drift. -- Time for a father-son sit down.)

Tessie (12) continued to be the sweet spirit she was destined to become, helping Mommy cook, clean, babysit, garden, iron, make curtains, and sell NuSkin products. As a first year Beehive, she dove into the Young Women's Personal Progress program by crocheting 100 hot pads and donating them to the poor. Even more exciting, this fall we purchased her first training bra, which can only mean a certain grown-up event is about to take place!! (Will keep everyone posted.)

Timmy (10) magnified his calling as future missionary by passing out Book of Mormons to everyone on the block, tracting out "golden contacts" door to door, and calling our neighbors, Mr. and Mrs. Mayfield, to repentance when he spotted some empty wine bottles in their recycle. He also served as an elementary school hall monitor and cited many infractions.

Teddy (8) did nothing, as usual. We now wonder if his August baptism may have been invalid in some way, and are toying with the idea of performing the ordinance again.

Toby (6) managed to survive the year with only eight trips to the ER. Thanks to that irrepressible little rascal, we've had to replace the Mayfield's front window, the stage curtains in the ward cultural hall, the motor on the Abbottsville Mall escalator, and H. LaVar's new chainsaw. We hope he makes it through 2011, because life wouldn't be the same without his special little spirit.

Terry (3) is so adorably curious! Everywhere we go he wants to know "why?" For example, "Why doesn't Brother Crawford take the sacrament?" or "Why did Bishop Zimmerman go into the liquor store?" or "Why's that noise coming out of Mr. and Mrs. Mayfield's bedroom window?" There's just no squelching his inquisitive mind, and we wouldn't dream of trying. H. LaVar and I make a point of answering all of his questions in detail.

H. LaVar has had a great year. In spite of the bad economy, he was promoted twice and received a ginormous raise and bonus. But humble guy that he is, he attributes his success merely to hard work, clean living, his support of traditional marriage, his obedience to the one and only true church, and his righteousness in the Pre-Existence. He continues to serve as Ward Mission Leader, a calling that has blessed him with many spiritual experiences.

As for me, I've been pregnant since June, meaning that half my year has been spent hurling into the toilet. Nevertheless, I am grateful for my divine role. Every time I lean over the bowl, I thank Heavenly Father that I am a Mother in Zion. I also am grateful that as the Relief Society Enrichment Leader, I am able to share my culinary talents with the sisters.

I'd like to go on, but Toby has run off with the keys to our Suburban, the nut loaf I'm baking for the Mayfields has caught fire in the oven, and little Terry just asked, "Why is Tommy moaning in the shower?"

So anywho,

Merry Christmas!!

Love, The Turleys

If you would like to stop receiving these emails, we insist you submit to an interrogation by Terry Turley.

It's Relief Society Book Club Time!

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward

From: Susan Renfro, Ward Relief Society President

Subject: September Book Club Meeting

Dear Sisters,

Please choose from the following titles:

Go Sit in the Corner

for women

Latter-day Saint sisters can prepare for another interesting read this September with the choice of the following titles from Go Sit in the Corner for women.

Nephi and Sariah's Excellent Adventure

by

C. Gordon Young, Ph.D

When seventeen year old fraternal twins Nephi and Sariah Price discover a portal in the bottom of their grandpa's potato cellar, they swirl back in time to Book of Mormon days. Armed with only their testimonies and Nephi's Liahona decoder ring, they navigate a maze of wicked kings, stripling warriors, secret combinations, and a few harlots. Will our hero and heroine's Jaredite barge ever resurface? Will they win the tapir-drawn chariot race? Will they ever get through all of Second Nephi? Read this sword-wielding, sling-hurling page turner to find out.

The Mormon Urban Renewal Project

by

Dallin McConkie Smoot Richards II

Two LDS missionaries are sent to the south side of Chicago where they tract out a block that is frequented by crack dealers. The elders compete with the dealers by selling incredibly awesome Rice Krispies Treats they've created by combining their moms' recipes. The crack dealers go broke, the missionaries get rich, and everyone on the block joins the church. Devoting themselves to the gospel, the new members remove their tattoos, listen to Glen Beck, sell Amway, and pledge money to end gay marriage in California. As a result the entire block turns white! They put up picket fences, decorate their yards with garden gnomes, and petition the Chicago zoning office to transform a nearby abandoned school into a Costco Club.

Pride or Paycheck

by

Tisha Sweet

LDS English girl, Elizabeth Smith, is not yet one and twenty, and not in want of a husband. Indeed, nobody at the Hertfordshire Stake Singles' Ball could tempt her. Certainly not that snob from Salt Lake City, Rulon Parmenter. What nerve he has, arriving late, refusing to dance, and flaunting his upper class East Bench accent. Then her friend Charlotte tells her he's a flight attendant for Delta Airlines. Blimey! That's a real job! ... Could it be that Elizabeth has found her Brother Darcy?

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LDS Stake Single Adults Calendar

To: Abbottsville Stake Single Adults
From: Ricky and Mindy Foote, Stake Single Adults Leaders
Subject: June LDS Single Adults Calendar

Mindy and I are honored to serve a group that includes so many near and dear, such as my former seminary teacher, Mindy's old high school principal, Sister Post who helped me earn my Duty to Country badge, and, of course, Mom. This month we've really gone the distance to plan some super-fun activities custom crafted for your unique status as LDS Single Adults. 


Saturday, June 5, 7:00 PM, Weekend Mix and Mingle. Game night. Sisters bring marshmallows, brethren bring PVC pipe.


Wednesday, June 9, 12:00 noon, Lunch Hour Mingle. Fellowshipping Activity. Find Mindy and I in the lobby of the Abbottsville Federal Building. We'll be holding up our LDS Single Adults! sign. After a group prayer, we'll go to the work places of  less active singles, slip stake calendars under their car window wipers, and write MISS YOU on their windshields in unscrewed Oreos.


Saturday, June 12, 7:00 PM, Weekend Mix and Mingle. Service Project. Meet in the stake nursery to babysit during the Stake Married Adult Dinner/Dance. Clean-up duty afterwards. Mindy and I will check in on you before we leave the dance.


Sunday, June 13, 7:00 PM, Stake Singles' Fireside. Former Stake President Stan Taylor's talk is entitled, "Writing Your Life History." Yes! You should write one even if you don't have a spouse or kids. Mindy's spinster Aunt Eunice wrote hers, and it turned out to be surprisingly interesting.


Saturday, June 19, 7:00 PM, Weekend Mix and Mingle. Service Project. Meet in the stake center parking lot to clean out the interior of the Turley family's Suburban.


Wednesday, June 23, 12:00 noon, Lunch Hour Mingle. Fun and Games. Meet at the north end of Abbottsville Central Park under the banner, LDS Single Adults!  We'll have potato sack races, ice block sliding on the hill, and a "no-hands" pudding eating contest. Be sure to invite your non-member co-workers!


Saturday, June 26, 7:00 PM, Weekend Mix and Mingle. Disco Dance Party!**

**The following standards will be strictly enforced:

 No immodest dress. This includes pierced ears, facial hair or sideburns, and t-shirts advertising tobacco, porn, or caffeinated soft drinks. 

 Admission only upon presentation of a current temple recommend or completion of the Official Worthiness Questionnaire.

No loitering. The halls, kitchen, auxiliary areas and bathrooms will be monitored by CCTV.

 Doors will be locked at 8:00 PM, no re-entrance allowed.

 The DJ's track list has been pre-approved by the stake presidency. No requests other than Janice Kapp Perry, the Osmonds, and the Mormon Tabernacle Choir.

 Participation in the Disco Duck Soul Train Line is mandatory.

 We will adjourn at 11:00 PM sharp, so everyone's home before curfew. Don't forget to call your home teacher when you get there.

If you would like to stop receiving these e-mails, don't be surprised to find your windshield covered in unscrewed Oreo's.