Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Stake Single Adults Prepare To Ring In the New Year!

To: Abbottsville Stake Single Adults
From: Ricky and Mindy Foote, Stake Single Adults Leaders
Subject: Happy New Year, boy and girls!

Mindy and I are pleased to announce that President Knightly has decided to reinstate the Abbottsville Stake Single Adults Program!*

As always, we are honored to serve a group that includes so many near and dear, such as my former seminary teacher, Mindy's old high school principal, Sister Post who helped me earn my Duty to Country badge, and, of course, Mom. 

We've really gone the distance to plan a super-fun New Year's Eve Dance**  custom crafted for your unique status as LDS Single Adults.

Since President Knightly has ordered  the Single Adult sisters to each invite one of the Single Adult brethren as her date, Mindy came up with some creative ways for you gals to pop that awkward question without it being too embarrassing.
1. Fill a basket with Hostess "Ding Dongs" and "Twinkies." Place the basket at his doorstep, ring the doorbell, and run. A message in the basket should read, "DING DONG! I'm ringing your bell to see if you'll go to the dance with a TWINKIE like me."
2. Find a bug splat on the windshield of his car. Make a big arrow and tape it onto his windshield pointing directly to the splat. On the arrow, write, "This takes a lot of GUTS, but I was wondering if you'd go to the dance with me!"
3. Hire a police officer to drive to your date's house, knock on his front door, handcuff him, and take him to the squad car. Leave a note on the car seat that has, "Now that I have ARRESTED your attention, will you go to the dance with me?" all spelled out in Hershey Kisses.
4. Bake a batch of homemade Parker House rolls, slather them with melted butter, leave them at his front door, ring the bell, and run. Attach a message to the pan that reads, "If I BUTTER you up, will you RISE to the occasion?" 

Likewise, the brethren may choose one of the following methods of ACCEPTING the sisters' invitations
1. Give her a world atlas and a card that reads, "Yes! ATLASt you have asked me to the dance! You mean the WORLD to me! Without you, the EARTH would stop SPINNING! OCEANS couldn't keep us apart! Now that you have me, you've got the whole WORLD in your hands."
2. Duct tape your date's toilet seat shut. Across the tape write, "I'll GO with you."
3. For this idea, you will need some musical ability and a horse. Dress up as a handsome prince and ride the horse to her home. Use a trumpet to announce your arrival. When she comes to the door, dismount the horse, roll out a red carpet, walk to her threshold, kneel down and say, "I officially accept Your Majesty's invitation to the dance." 

 4. Send her a helium balloon that reads, "I'm UP for it."

Find more ideas here.

*Stake Single Adults may participate in Single Adult activities only if they first comply with the following conditions:
  1. Obtain a temple recommend or complete the Official Worthiness Questionnaire
  2. Fulfill your usual assignment at the Stake Family Christmas Party. That is, set up, serve dinner, man the nursery, and clean up afterwards.
  3. Attend tithing settlement. (Remember to bring your tax return!)
  4. Resolve to be married by the end of 2011.

**At the dance the following standards will be strictly enforced:
  1. No immodest dress. This includes pierced ears, facial hair or sideburns, and t-shirts advertising tobacco, porn, or caffeinated soft drinks. For more information, click here.
  2. No loitering. The halls, kitchen, auxiliary areas and bathrooms will be monitored by CCTV.
  3. Doors will be locked at 8:00 PM, no re-entrance allowed.
  4. The DJ's track list has been pre-approved by the stake presidency. No requests other than Janice Kapp Perry, the Osmonds, and the Mormon Tabernacle Choir.
  5. Participation in the Chicken Dance is mandatory.
  6. At the stroke of midnight the brethren are required to give their dates a chaste kiss (no tongues.)
  7. We will adjourn at 12:01 AM sharp. Don't forget to call your home teacher when you get there.

Be there or be square, boys and girls!

If you would like to stop receiving these e-mails, you must first complete the Official Worthiness Questionnaire.


  1. Donna, your satire hits waaaaaay too close to reality. (I am still laughing my ass off).

    I actually got roped into a couple of single adult activities many years ago when the Lawd called me to be a single adult rep (this was the beginning of the end of my testimony, because, WTF?). I'll never forget one guy in a wheelchair angrily demanding he be allowed to take home all the food he wanted to take from the refreshment tables -- before the fireside was over, of course.

    I also remember giggled/excited instructions to "sit boy girl boy girl." Universally ignored. Thank gawd. Let's see, men with hearing aids and a folksy dance lesson that people were guilted into participating in -- and those of us who didn't were given the evil eye.

    It was, like, Dork Hell.

  2. Thanks CD. I actually didn't write the date invitations on this post. -- I did a Tina Fey and copied them out this ridiculous book I bought at BYU this past Oct.

    And OMG the guy in the wheelchair has me laughing my ass off!

  3. I agree with Carla. But it's also dang funny.

  4. @Carla and Becky, it is true, but I'd rather people laugh about it rather than take it seriously. For me, being a Mormon meant never laughing.

  5. "If I BUTTER you up, will you RISE to the occasion?"

    Am I the only one who thought this sounded brazenly suggestive?

    "Duct tape your date's toilet seat shut. Across the tape write, "I'll GO with you."

    Unless she has a weird fetish for that sort of thing, the date will be completely grossed out. And mad.

    "No requests other than Janice Kapp Perry, the Osmonds, and the Mormon Tabernacle Choir."

    GIT DOWN and feel the music pulsing through your soul! Not.

    Another great parody! I enjoyed reading this.

  6. Thanks Ahab. Like I told CD, the buttered roll scenario, as well as the toilet idea were serious suggestions in Mormon dating books. sigh.

  7. Ugh, I always HATED those cheesy date ideas that the church would give us. I never did any of these things, and I always cringe when I see pictures of my LDS friends and family doing it. Especially when they use one of these ridiculous ideas to propose marriage. *shudder* How old are we, 12?

  8. Britta, I hear you. Even back when I was 12 I knew I didn't want my future husband to hide my engagement ring inside a cream puff.

  9. Ahem. Glad I missed out on all the dating lunacy. I guess I was way too forward - if I wanted to ask someone to a dance, I'd just call and ask him.

    That's probably the same reason I got married "older" than my single's ward peers.


    Spot on post, as usual!

  10. Freak Donna, you've captured the soul of the LDS Singles experience. The one that blew me away was when they rented a bouncy castle for the Single Adults. The church loves to infantalize the members but even the most retarded of Singles ends up dreading the experience.

    My college age daughter was put in charge of her YSA meet and greet meetings at her college in Provo. She tried three different things and the only people that came was herself, a presiding member of the bishopric and two sisters that don't stand much of a chance of meeting their own true love unless they both switch teams and go for each other. My daughter finally asked to be released. The nickname for these is the "Greet and mate" and the bishopric made it imperative that she play matchmaker and use her charms to hook people up. I was happy when she finally told him her work and school were more important and asked to be released.

    What happened to "Would you like to go on a date with me?" It seems so simple and straight forward.

  11. InsanaD, I'm glad to hear your daughter is no longer the "greet and mate" supervisor. (blech)

    And we both know that a Mormon can't simply ask somebody out. The irony is (or I should say one of the ironies is) that they spend more money on the asking than the actual date. I suppose there is an occasional Mormon who brings a date to a nice restaurant and the symphony. But it's usually more like -- let's get all dressed up and have a candlelit dinner at Dee's.

  12. My daughter is dating an avowed Atheist. He's a really great guy who treats her very well and just brings the best out in her. I've been watching the dominoes of Mormonism fall one by one with her but have to be really careful not to push them over myself, just to let her discover it in her own time and way.

    Her bishop came up to her a few weeks ago and asked her about her love life. She said it was great and loved having a true best friend as well as an intelligent man in her life. He asked her how long they'd been dating (almost a year now) and then asked her if they plan to get married soon. Holly said, "We're not in a hurry. I think it's important to really get to know someone before you make such a huge comittement" and the bishop told her she was in grave danger of transgression.

    I was so proud of her because she looked at him and said, "Transgression of what? Common sense?" He huffed away. I suspect she'll get a call to his office and either chastized or guilted and that'll be the exact thing I'm hoping for so that she sees how unjust and invasive their assumed authority is.

    I don't have to do anything to make the LDS church look bad. The biggest ANTI-Mormon organization is the LDS church. Bring it on Bishop guy!!

  13. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dm7yAWpX1Mc

    Double Dream Hands is this really silly video of a rhythm challenged white dork gives dance instruction for what I would think is a culmination of all the LDS hottest dance moves. It's gone viral and becoming a wonderful parody of all that is embarassing about the mushroom soup culture of Mormonism. I can imagine this dance is going to be part of a temple recommend interview at some point. If you can't do Double dream hands, you have no business calling yourself Mormon.

  14. OMG, as usual, Insana, you have me close to pee my pants laughing. (Isn't Double Dream Hands already part of the temple ceremony?)

    And yes, the biggest ANTI-Mormon organization is the LDS church. I thank god for the lousy bishops in my past -- good missionary work, guys! I hope your daughter is their next victim! ;-)

  15. Oh boy Donna, I think you're on to something. Instead of Pay Lay Ale they could do "Double Dream Hands" and then march into the veil room for the five points of fellowship, and finish it all off with the victory wave!!

  16. LOL. "Double Dream Hands" is going to be featured in new post today -- with a hat tip to you, of course. As always, Insana, thanks for the loud laughter.