Thursday, December 16, 2010

And I'm A (Mormon) Christian!

To: Abbottsville Stake
From: Dennis Newsome, Stake First Counselor and advisor to the Stake Public Affairs Council
Subject: 'Tis the season for PR!

Our inspired leaders in Salt Lake City have instructed us to use the Christmas Season to remind the world that Mormons are a diverse group of hard-working do-gooders like all other CHRISTIANS.

Knowing the difficulty of this assignment, the church has continued to invest in an ad campaign that profiles successful, "hip and edgy" Mormons. I urge everyone in the Abbottsville Stake to include the message below in your holiday greetings to your non-member friends, especially those living in Louisiana, Colorado, Florida, Pennsylvania, Oklahoma, Missouri, Arizona, and Minnesota.

Hi, I'm Lucas,

I'm one of the 100 richest men in San Francisco. 

I own a company that cleans up oil slicks. Even during a recession, I'm always in demand!

This Christmas, I plan on giving back by donating all my old clothes to Good Will, then going to the mall and buying new ones.

As a devout CHRISTIAN, my favorite pastimes are reciting the Lord's Prayer and reading the King James Version of the Bible.

Only 2 tubs on the beach for now ...
I have been married for thirty years to ONE woman.

We have four children. They also love reading the King James Version of the Bible.

The Fab Four
On the weekends my buddies and I perform at a little club on Mission Street. 

We're a diverse group. And when we get going, we're smokin' hot.

I put my garments back on as soon as
I'm done
After that we take in the sights, and, if it's warm enough, we stop at one of San Francisco's nude beaches.

I'm a billionaire, a philanthropist, a CHRISTIAN, a musician, and a monogamist. I have a King James Version of the Bible, and a oil clean-up rig capable of igniting the Pacific Ocean. I'm a husband, a father, and a nudist. 

My name is Lucas Tweedy,

and I'm a Mormon.

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  1. gee, i thought this would end up with "and I'm an arrogant, privileged prick."

    that's what you get when you assume, i guess.

  2. Yeah, I actually worried that this piece might be insulting to nudists (being associated with Mormons.) But then my daughter's boyfriend took that awesome picture at Baker Beach and I thought, I need to put that on my blog. Why not Mormon nudists? The church wants "hip and edgy" after all.

  3. About those two bathtubs ... don't Cialis and Mormonism have dangerous side effects when taken together?

  4. How I thought he'd end it: "and I'm THE Shit."

  5. What are the side effects of Cialis and Mormonism? A testimony of the gospel that lasts more than 4 hours?

    And shouldn't they be wearing their garments while sitting in those bathtubs? If you could photoshop that image in it would be a hoot.

    Thanks for the laugh. Although if I ever meet Mr. Tweedy I won't be responsible for my (likely) violent (yet discreet) actions.

  6. Geez Carla and CD,

    I take it this means Brother Tweedy isn't good PR for the church? Damn, now what?

  7. Haha. Awesome. I am personally getting so sick of seeing "...and I'm a mormon," I could puke.

  8. @Becky, the ads are driving me bonkers too. Mostly because they feature Mormons that look "cool" to outsiders, but would be marginalized at church. Professional women, skateboard dudes, etc.

  9. Just about everything that most Christians believe strikes me as being very peculiar, but mormons have nailed down a whole new peculiar. I kinda wish I could get me a pair of them to knock at my door. It would be an entertaining way to procrastinate.

  10. Murr, be careful what you wish for! ;-) But yes, it would be entertaining, provided you have a good sense of the ridiculous.

  11. the ads are driving me bonkers too. Mostly because they feature Mormons that look "cool" to outsiders, but would be marginalized at church. Professional women, skateboard dudes, etc.

    Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes! A thousand times yes! This is how I feel, too. It frustrates me when other disaffected Mormons can't see this. Another common argument I've heard is that the PR bullshit indicates an attempt to "soften ward members' hearts" towards these typically marginalized individuals. All I gotta say is, if that's the case, then why are we still having talks like Elder Holland's on the Book of Mormon at general conference?

    This was an excellent satire piece. Thank you.

  12. Kate, are you kidding? I hadn't heard that "soften the members' hearts" argument. Sounds like total bullshit. (Why am I surprised?)

    Thanks for your comment!