Thursday, December 9, 2010

It's Family Christmas Letter Time!

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: Ruth Turley, Relief Society Enrichment Leader
Subject: Merry Christmas from the Turley Family!

It's that wonderful time of year again, when we gather together as families, catch up with loved ones, and celebrate the season in the spirit of Christian charity.

In these trying economic times, when so many are facing unemployment, bankruptcy, and foreclosure, H. LaVar and I feel super blessed to be living in our brand new 5,000 square foot home, complete with a swimming pool, jacuzzi, and four car garage.
Be it ever so humble
Anywho, none of our possessions, not even our awesome new flat screen, are more precious to us than our six (soon to be seven) beautiful children.

Our year in review:

Tommy (14) participated in football, basketball, baseball, lacrosse, volleyball, choir, band, debate, chess club and yoga. Then on his 14th birthday, he added Stake Dances to his list of activities! At first the girls wouldn't dance with him. -- One even called him "booger." But a box of Kleenex, a little Clearasil and more frequent showers improved his luck with the ladies. (Only H. LaVar is now worried that some of Tommy's showers have been a little too long, and maybe include an "unclean" activity, if you get my drift. -- Time for a father-son sit down.)

Tessie (12) continued to be the sweet spirit she was destined to become, helping Mommy cook, clean, babysit, garden, iron, make curtains, and sell NuSkin products. As a first year Beehive, she dove into the Young Women's Personal Progress program by crocheting 100 hot pads and donating them to the poor. Even more exciting, this fall we purchased her first training bra, which can only mean a certain grown-up event is about to take place!! (Will keep everyone posted.)

Timmy (10) magnified his calling as future missionary by passing out Book of Mormons to everyone on the block, tracting out "golden contacts" door to door, and calling our neighbors, Mr. and Mrs. Mayfield, to repentance when he spotted some empty wine bottles in their recycle. He also served as an elementary school hall monitor and cited many infractions.

Teddy (8) did nothing, as usual. We now wonder if his August baptism may have been invalid in some way, and are toying with the idea of performing the ordinance again.

Toby (6) managed to survive the year with only eight trips to the ER. Thanks to that irrepressible little rascal, we've had to replace the Mayfield's front window, the stage curtains in the ward cultural hall, the motor on the Abbottsville Mall escalator, and H. LaVar's new chainsaw. We hope he makes it through 2011, because life wouldn't be the same without his special little spirit.

Terry (3) is so adorably curious! Everywhere we go he wants to know "why?" For example, "Why doesn't Brother Crawford take the sacrament?" or "Why did Bishop Zimmerman go into the liquor store?" or "Why's that noise coming out of Mr. and Mrs. Mayfield's bedroom window?" There's just no squelching his inquisitive mind, and we wouldn't dream of trying. H. LaVar and I make a point of answering all of his questions in detail.

H. LaVar has had a great year. In spite of the bad economy, he was promoted twice and received a ginormous raise and bonus. But humble guy that he is, he attributes his success merely to hard work, clean living, his support of traditional marriage, his obedience to the one and only true church, and his righteousness in the Pre-Existence. He continues to serve as Ward Mission Leader, a calling that has blessed him with many spiritual experiences.

As for me, I've been pregnant since June, meaning that half my year has been spent hurling into the toilet. Nevertheless, I am grateful for my divine role. Every time I lean over the bowl, I thank Heavenly Father that I am a Mother in Zion. I also am grateful that as the Relief Society Enrichment Leader, I am able to share my culinary talents with the sisters.

I'd like to go on, but Toby has run off with the keys to our Suburban, the nut loaf I'm baking for the Mayfields has caught fire in the oven, and little Terry just asked, "Why is Tommy moaning in the shower?"

So anywho,
Merry Christmas!!
Love, The Turleys

If you would like to stop receiving these emails, we insist you submit to an interrogation by Terry Turley.


  1. I can just feel the holiday dysfunction and hubris coming from the Turley!

  2. Timmy sounds like a gem. I hate getting these kinds of things at Christmas. It's like a contest to see who has the most wonderful family and who received the most blessings that (of course) come ONLY from being Mormon. Gag! When my cousin sent out the mass email asking for addresses, I left myself off. She's notorious for going on and on about nothing interesting at all. I feel like people who write these things are only trying to inspire jealousy in others.

  3. ::snort!::

    I wish the Christmas newsletters I receive from the TBMs in my social network (they're getting fewer ...) were as entertaining and this one. As it is I can't read them on a full stomach.

    I wonder which of the Turley's lovely children is gay? Because the odds ... I'm guessing poor little misunderstood Teddy. Or maybe it's H. Lavar?

  4. Right Ahab, they are pretty sick tickets.

    And Britta, yes, Timmy has future GA written all over him. Also good luck avoiding your cousin's Christmas letter. A few years back, I actually got one that boasted their son wants to be the prophet, and their daughter wants to marry the prophet. (Sounded strange at first, but then Mormons have always had odd views on marriage.)

    Glad you got a chuckle out of it, CD. You're right, the law of averages probably points to one of them being gay. I'm hoping it's Teddy, because he has future exmo written all over him. (Not even the baptism would take.)

    Thanks guys!

  5. *snicker*

    I love Teddy...

  6. Oh, this was a great post! I think I tinkled a little, I was laughing so hard.

  7. Thanks Becky, and randomfartings -- jesus, is that really your moniker? lol

  8. Oh! and angiekmillgate, thanks for loving Teddy, he could use some.

  9. I hate brag letters but this was good! Sooo funny! Your bun in the oven has to be a girl. Gotta catch up to the boys!

  10. I found UR blog from the threegnomes blog and I laughed so hard I woke up my roommate. You gots to write another post fast!!!

  11. PS~Where'd you get the idea for this blog-its genius!

  12. I love that Tessie knit hot pads for the poor and thinks that's a service project! I can't tell you how many "service" projects I was forced into that were anything but serviceable. And how the mother has no sense of children's needs (and rights!) for privacy, so long as it she wants to share it with all her friends, fair game.

    Great post, as usual!

  13. Thanks Fanny -- yes there needs to be more girls, at least another 4 to catch up.

    Also, thanks sueallen, and welcome!

    @Leah, I know what you mean about the service projects. I searched online for "bad Christmas letters" and was surprised by how many had embarrassing tidbits about the kids. Of course, I already knew about the insufferable boasting ...

    Thanks everyone!