Tuesday, August 17, 2010

And I'm A Mormon

To: Abbottsville Stake
From: Dennis Newsome, Stake First Counselor and advisor to the Stake Public Affairs Council
Subject: Show them we're normal

Our inspired leaders in Salt Lake City have instructed the members to convince the world that Mormons are a diverse group of  hard-working do-gooders like everybody else. Knowing the difficulty of this assignment, the church has invested in an ad campaign that profiles successful yet edgier Mormons. I urge everyone in the Abbottsville Stake to forward the message below to all of your non-member friends, especially those living in Louisiana, Colorado, Florida, Pennsylvania, Oklahoma, Missouri, Arizona, and Minnesota.  

Hi, I'm Brian,

and I'm the third-richest man in Fresno County. I own a small company that buys repossessed houses then flips them for a healthy profit. 

My car is a Jaguar XKR and my watch is a Patek Phillippe Nautilus. 

I'm a big contributor to the Fresno Philharmonic, and I do my best to recycle.

My wife and I do commercials for Cialis
I've been happily married for thirty years.

We have three sons. They also wear Patek Phillippe watches.

On the weekends my buddies and I ride motorcycles. 
We're a diverse group. I'm pretty sure two are Democrats, and one might even be gay. We love riding our Hogs, even when we wipeout, thanks to our deep-seated masochistic tendencies.
I'm a billionaire, a philanthropist, a recycler, and a biker. I have a $75,000 watch, and a friend who might be gay. I'd love to buy your home for cheap. I am a husband, a father, and a masochist. My name is Brian Swensen, 

and I'm a Mormon.

If you would like to stop receiving these e-mails, click here and prepare for your heart to be softened.


  1. I think the Mormons need help spreading the word that they are "normal" and "mainstream" and to that end I have created the following video:


  2. These two videos are so amazingly similar!! Someone on Postmo posted these and it's very creepy to watch how similar the Scientologist ads are to the Mormon ads.



    Then there's the Betty Bowers assessment of the Mormon Church http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9E4M39FRIGc

    "Mormonism is Scientology Light".

    Here's some very normal things that Mormons do that reflect how mainstream the culture and religion are:

    Mormons are just everyday folks, doing everyday things, nothing weird or uncomfortable,....nope, just normal Christian type folks who:
    Get married very young to people they barely know for the purpose of starting a family even before they've finished college or bought their first car.

    Have babies like everyone else, but then have another, and another, and another without any thought of the complexities added or financial mess they'll end up in.

    Go to church for three hours on Sunday, have FHE on Monday, Scouts and YW on Tuesday, RS and EQ on Thursday, Youth activities on Friday, Ward Service project on Saturday, and then there's the ten% tithing, the missionary fund, the building fund, the fast sunday funds, the numerous other funds that take all the rest of your money....but, and this is a big buttt, they say the use of the church is free!!!

    Give over all your time and talents and even your children, your own food, use of your car, home, etc. to the church, do janitorial and landscape work, and then serve in the temple or do endowment sessions, and go on a mission, all at your own expense.

    Baptize children at eight after only allowing and exposing them to one belief, then suggesting they "Chose" to become LDS, then indoctrinating, guilting and manipulating them for life till they have no skills or mindset to even function outside the church setting. Limit their friendships, their information, media, connections, world influences, entertainment and education to support and feed ONLY the LDS perspective, shun all other ideas, and shame the child with the intellect and curiosity till they no longer dare look outside the box.

    Turn all the girls into potential baby making machines, with only the goal of becoming mothers and housewives, and to de-value their own education till they don't bother taking complex classes, expanding their minds, or pursuing degrees that will give them opportunity and challenges beyond homemaking skills and diaper changing. Shun those girls who have bigger ideas than that and make sure they are held up as cautionary tales of dried up old maids with no one to love them because they chose a career and to delay having children.

    Enforce the EVERY MEMBER A MISSIONARY policy as well as pushing young men to serve missions regardless of desire, intent, health issues, financial struggles, etc. and then punish those that choose not to go and shame them till they prefer suicide over revealing their lack of committment to the church. Force them to accept this as their fate and then compell them to profess it was the best two years of their life no matter how miserable they were.

    Any child not conforming or who was born gay gets shunned and shamed till they prefer death or homelessness to the pain they feel in the LDS home.

    When the young men get home from their missions, they start this cycle all over again with the youngest, most fertile woman they can nab and the whole thing goes round and round. Both will serve in various callings till they are used up, grey, and completely worn out, chanting in lock step "Endure to the end, all is well, all is well" and then they die, only to be doomed to Mormon heaven where they get to do all this for time and all eternity.

    Yeah, perfectly normal. Everybody does this kind of stuff. It's all very normal. Come on, don't YOU want to be a Mormon? Think of how fun it is.

  3. Great video, Flat Lander. And Insana D, if I hadn't seen it I wouldn't have believed it. The skateboard ad is a ripoff from the Scientologists. You're both right, if the Mormons want to look normal, they've got their work cut out for them.

  4. I just about wet myself from laughing. Thank you, Donna - I needed the chuckle!

    Hugs to you and Mark.


  5. Hahahaha, I wish I was Brian ... but I'd probably be spending the money on bribing UofU's admissions office to let me in.

  6. Thanks Chino Blanco, and j-dog, a Patek Phillippe watch may be worth 75 grand, but switching from BYU to UofU is priceless. ;-)

  7. So does this mean the women get to start wearing more than one earring again? Or do we get to start picking out our own underwear? Or can I let my sideburns grow past the bottom of my ear? Oh boy, I can't wait! I was hoping we were giving up on that "Peculiar People" moniker.

  8. Nah, we'll always be peculiar. lol