Wednesday, March 20, 2013
To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward Relief Society
From: Margaret Spencer, Visiting Teacher and ward token feminist
Subject: We've come a long way ladies!
I've just learned that the first woman to offer a prayer in General Conference will be none other than the pioneering champion of gender equality, Sister Barbie Wooley!
For those of you who don't know her, Barbie began her career as a "Mormon feminist"at BYU in the late 1970's when she was called before University Standards for wearing a pro-ERA button to her child development class. She was also cited for other high profile protests, such as wearing non-feminine-cut jeans in her dorm laundry room, refusing to make a Holly Hobbie jumper at a stake Homemaking activity, and turning down a marriage proposal from a returned missionary.
In 1981, Barbie finally tied the knot with her fellow student, Wayne Midgely. However, their brief union ended abruptly when Wayne discovered that Barbie intended to stay in school, finish her education, and get a job.
After the divorce, Wayne quickly found love with a career homemaker and settled down to raise 7 children. The couple are now featured in ads for a popular product that prevents erectile dysfunction.
Meanwhile, Barbie threw all of her energy into climbing the career ladder, a tireless and ruthless trek that led to her landing the position of Lead Kindergarten Teacher at Timpview Elementary School.
Throughout her demanding and high-powered career, Barbie continued her activism, and was a thorn in the side of several ward bishops. She was expelled from the church on three different occasions. First, for raising her hand too often in Gospel Doctrine class; a second time for prefacing her Sacrament Meeting remarks with, "In my opinion . . ."; and finally for showing up for Relief Society with a run in her pantyhose.
The pantyhose incident led Barbie to question her faith.
Confused and offended, she quit coming to church. Not much is known about this dark period in Barbie's history because she disappeared into the secretive and cult-like non-Mormon community. But we can only conclude that she went the sinful way of most apostates--wallowing in sexual promiscuity, forever lost in a drunken stupor, and hopelessly addicted to porn. Evidence of this can be found via snippets gathered from her students. For example, 5-year-old Ricky Smith remarked, "When Miss Wooley reached up high to get the paste, I could see a tan on her tummy."
Eventually, the trauma of having too much unstructured time on her hands caught up with Barbie, and she suffered a complete mental breakdown. Happily she's been released from the hospital, has returned to full church activity, and has just been granted permission to use forks. And just in time to be the first woman to offer a prayer in General Conference!**
As of today, it is uncertain whether Barbie will still be confined to her straightjacket during the General Conference. However, her spokesperson has confirmed that Barbie will be sporting a brand new pair of pantyhose.
Sisters, don't forget to watch this historic event.
**Sister Wooley's prayer has been composed by the Church Correlation Committee, approved by the Brethren, and will be broadcast via time-lapsed audio.
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