Tuesday, February 1, 2011

Mormons: Be Prepared!

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: Brother J. "Bull" Barton, Ward Preparedness Specialist
Subject: Ward Preparedness Update

Dear Abbottsville Fourth,

Photo added by blog owner
in hopes of attracting more
male followers
The good news is that the Republicans' mid-term victory has allowed me to lower the Ward Threat Level to Orange. However, due to ongoing liberal attacks on the Second Amendment, increased chatter over Same Sex Marriage, and the last Victoria's Secret ad campaign, it is still essential that we remain vigilant and prepared. I advise all members of the Abbottsville Fourth Ward to have the following on hand.

One year's supply of:
water
wheat
rice
pasta
powdered milk
dehydrated pear flakes

Hazmat suits -- 2 per family member
Hand guns -- 2 per family member
Ammunition -- you can never have enough
Duct tape -- 4 rolls per family member
Consecrated oil -- 1 gallon per family member
Scriptures, The Ensign, dominoes, Yahtzee, Twister, and other amusements to help pass time in the bunker.

In the event of an emergency, ward members are to gather their provisions and report immediately to the church. Be aware that non-members, inactives, and other "have-nots" will likely engage in looting, vandalism, rape, masturbation, same-sex marriage, murder, and desecration of the flag. The faithful will need to be on guard 24/7.


On a lighter note, I know that many of you share my high opinion of the Utah legislature and its recent resolution. In that spirit, I propose the establishment of our own Official Ward Gun. Nominations are now open.

This concludes your Ward Preparedness Update.

Your fellow patriot,
Bull Barton

If you would like to stop receiving these e-mails, we'll send you a vat of KoriWhore's super-yummy dehydrated pear flakes.

24 comments:

  1. the photo caption cracked me up

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  2. Are gay marriage supporters and lingerie models terrorizing the Utah countryside as we speak? Or is this just what happens whenever Bull Barton eats pear flakes that have fermented?

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  3. Glad to oblige Phoenix, and thanks, Carla. Ahab, yeah, I think those pear flakes have a shorter shelf life than the label suggests.

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  4. haha. Hazmat suits, gallons of consecrated oil, hand guns. Awesome. I was just walking by Victoria's Secret yesterday and was telling my friend how people in Utah are in revolt over the pics in the windows. Too funny.

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  5. @Becky, for some in UT, the Hazmat suit is as sexy as it gets!

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  6. ::snort!:: You nailed it on the threat level being reduced to orange as a result of the result Republican victory. LOL!

    K, my former MIL told me about 20 years years ago how a woman in her ward (Washington State) had a revelation that there was going to be a major earthquake in their area. As a result and because this woman was so "in tune with the spirit," the entire stake had multiple preparedness meetings including setting up safe havens and locating all of the natural gas shutoffs in the area. People spent tons of moola stocking up on food, water, etc. etc.

    No earthquake. Yet.

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  7. Only 2 handguns per family member? What, am I going to have to sell the rest!

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  8. CD, OMG, I can't believe that after one person (a woman, no less, and not a prophet) predicted an earthquake ... every time I think I've heard it all ...

    dbd, welcome, and thanks for reading!

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  9. Well, they can't have my stash of booze, not even to clean the accidental gunshot wounds...

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  10. Don't worry JZ, that's what the gallons of consecrated oil are for. ;-)

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  11. Hey Donna, Thanks for the links and inclusion. Dehydrated pear flakes are so very useful and every family should have a few cans in their storage for emergencies. Imagine if there was a real earthquake and your bricks separated from the exterior of your home. You could take some pear flakes and make a past that could work as a solid mortar and keep the rest of the bricks from settling or falling out.

    Or imagine a massive protest or other anti-Mormon event and your bishop gets clobbered in the head with a rogue triple combination flung irreverently at his head. You could take the pear flakes and make a poultice that would stop the bleeding and kill any competing bacteria.

    Or imagine Cholera infects the water source after some liberal Hippies take over and the rain water collection system overflows into their composting toilets and then drains into the water system. Everyone has diarrhea and you can come to the rescue and give them Pear flake granola logs that will stop up the intestines while simultaneously giving the sensation of a full belly.

    Pear Flakes, the new and everlasting Soilent Green, Mormon Style.

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  12. Oh, I almost forgot. Adding a VC model to your blog is a classy move. I used the word WHORE in my opening title and it works like a charm on the men. I checked my stats and one of the search words coming out of Indonesia is Whore. I've gone international now. I should have just titled my blog BoobSluts or Musings from a Tit-ilaTIT ed BoobSlut.

    If you want the fellers to read your stuff you have to appeal to the little brain in order to get access to the big brain. BOOBS.

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  13. sorry for the typos and spalleng errurs.

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  14. Insana, hahaha, your pear flake suggestions are priceless. I almost spewed Diet Coke on my monitor.

    I wish I'd found that VS earlier. To think I've wasted all this time writing.

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  15. Yes Donna, I had to learn the hard way as well. I'd write lengthy well thought out essays on all sorts of topics and the readership dwindled to nothing. Then I found that if I Boob insert the word Boobs into my text every now and again, or even SEX or just a phrase that contains the word engorged, turgid, or thrusting it'll catch the special sex eyes of the men. They can't help themselves.

    They may not be reading your stuff for it's insight and wisdom but they get it nonetheless if you just tease them with the hope of seeing two double oo's together somewhere. I've conditioned my male readers to the point where they salivate like Pavlovian dogs if I just write Loo or Goo or Too. They see Boobs everywhere in my writing even when I don't write BOOBS.

    This one literary gimick is gold. Boobs. In conclusion, Boobs.

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  16. Again, thanks to Insana D, I've spewed Diet Coke on my computer monitor.

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  17. Ward gun! Bwahahahahahahahaha!

    Oh no! Not masturbation or same-sex marriage!

    You're killing me!

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  18. "Be aware that non-members, inactives, and other 'have-nots' will likely engage in looting, vandalism, rape, masturbation, same-sex marriage, murder, and desecration of the flag."

    Well, folks, looks like we have-nots are going to be really busy, too. Sorta takes care of that un-employment boredom, so we've got that going for us.

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  19. Thanks crapstain, and Nance, you make a good point, if nothing else, we won't be bored.

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  20. I'm pretty sure you can do the vandalism, masturbation and desecration of the flag at the same time, if you're a multi-tasker.

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  21. @Murr, I'm continually impressed with the resourcefulness of my blog followers!

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  22. "Be aware that non-members, inactives, and other 'have-nots' will likely engage in looting, vandalism, rape, masturbation, same-sex marriage, murder, and desecration of the flag."

    At the same time? Good grief, Donna, I only have two hands!

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  23. OK, Ahab, I give you permission to prioritize, only please don't leave out desecration of the flag.

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