Friday, February 25, 2011

Real Mormon Housewives

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward Relief Society
From: Ruth Turley, Relief Society Enrichment Leader
Subject: Girls' Night Out with The Real Housewives of Federal Heights

Forget the Oscars, sisters, this weekend come to my premier party for the new reality show, The Real Housewives of Federal Heights. Our ward mission leader -- and my DH -- H. LaVar is taking the kids out tracting so that we sisters can have the house to ourselves to watch this honest portrayal of the selfless, joyful, and complex lives of Mormon women.

From the show's website:
The Real Housewives of Federal Heights follows five of the most righteous and deserving women in the country as they enjoy the lavish lifestyle that only Salt Lake City's Federal Heights and The Avenues can provide. The series offers a glimpse inside the world of luxurious wealth and pampered worthiness, where the wive's breasts are as inflated as their husbands' priesthood callings. These women are in the center of it all, and they have the McMansions, the mini-vans, and the spray-on tans to prove it. From the wife of a General Authority, to a fiber artist, to an heiress, to a couple of entrepreneurs, The Real Housewives of Federal Heights is Mormon Culture at its most sophisticated.
Vanessa Carroll 
Feisty free thinker, Vanessa Carroll, is the heir to her late husband, Max "One Eye" Carroll's fireworks empire. Her liberal views make her an odd fit for this Utah group, as she actively supports many radical, left-wing notions, such as birth control, recycling, and speed limits. But the wives accept her because she is a total hottie, has tremendous style, and lets everyone borrow her clothes. 
Zina Hafen  
 This witty and charming designer's career began when she created her own wedding dress, a confection so thick with lace and billowing fabric, that she had to be hoisted into the temple via the loading dock. Sadly, her marriage only lasted one night. But Zina's line of modest bridal and formal wear has been hugely successful, as have her sex manuals and marital advice books. A political activist and champion of traditional marriage, Zina is an active member of the Utah Eagle Forum, the Utah Historical Association and the Daughters of the Utah Pioneers. She also volunteers as Utah's (now unofficial) Porn Czar.
Katty Taylor
Former BYU cheerleader and Hot Relief Society Babes calendar girl, Katty Taylor, works 24/7 on maintaining her curvaceous and stunning figure. It's a necessity if she wants to hold on to Bishop Ralph Taylor, that randy husband of hers. Two years ago, when the bad economy forced Ralph to put her on a budget, Katty took a job as a marketing director for a line of push-up bras. Today she owns the company. Recently she financed her own brow lift and liposuction, as well as breast enhancements for her 18 year old daughter, Tiffany. A philanthropist at heart, Katty donates her time and money to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, and also to a center for the victims of ruptured silicon implants. She and "frenemy" Zina frequently clash over their differing business and personal philosophies.
Merrilee Cookson
Merrilee is neither witty nor charming, isn't very attractive, wears dowdy clothes, and has no particular talent, but she's on the show because her husband is an LDS General Authority.
Mindy Payson
Sweet spirit Mindy divides her time between scrapbooking, quilting, tole painting, tatting, clay art, and stamping. -- Skills that serve her well as a wife, mother, and member of the General Young Women's Presidency. She is adored by her family and friends, and often assumes the role of peacemaker. However, her fellow housewives sometimes tire of her penchant for turning everything into a doily. 

Sisters, don't forget to bring your favorite snacks, pop, and plenty of hankies. Also, after the show, we'll hold a critique/discussion, vote on our favorite wife, bear testimonies, and give each other mani-pedi's.
Who knows? Next year we may see the premiere of The Real Housewives of the Abbottsville Fourth Ward!

If you would like to stop receiving these e-mails, Brother Turley and the kids will tract out your house during the show.


  1. *snort* critique.

    donna, if you want this to pass as for reals, you can't use any form of any word like "critique"

    oh yeah, and goddamn liberals.

  2. OMG. ... "birth control, recycling, and speed limits"? She's a radical! And "center for victims of ruptured silicon implants ..." It could happen around here.

    This is all so true! You are hilarious and brilliant!

  3. Did Zina's husband leave after the wedding night, or croak?

  4. Ahab, I think the wedding night was a disappointment to both parties.

  5. People are really like this? For reals??

    Wow. No wonder I never fit in, I can barely find the time to shave my legs.

  6. @Kate, I remember the crafty types, the "liberals" and the frigid ones, but never knew the Katty types who paid for all the plastic surgery. Either they came along after I left, or, like you, I didn't fit in enough to know what was going on.

  7. I seriously snorted at this post-your writing gets better and better with each week. I cannot wait for your next post!

  8. Funny, I grew up in this ward and this could not be far from the truth! My mother is one of these so called "housewives" but is a very classy, educated and hard working woman.

    Don't get me wrong, Federal Heights is a nice area of Salt Lake City. And there are a lot of wealthy people in the ward. But those people you make fun of do a lot of GOOD for others in the community because they are so fortunate. Where do you think their tithing goes?

    Nice try on attempting to be funny, but get your facts right girls...