Real Mormon Housewives

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward Relief Society
From: Ruth Turley, Relief Society Enrichment Leader
Subject: Girls' Night Out with The Real Housewives of Federal Heights

Forget the Oscars, sisters, this weekend come to my premier party for the new reality show, The Real Housewives of Federal Heights. Our ward mission leader -- and my DH -- H. LaVar is taking the kids out tracting so that we sisters can have the house to ourselves to watch this honest portrayal of the selfless, joyful, and complex lives of Mormon women.


From the show's website:

The Real Housewives of Federal Heights follows five of the most righteous and deserving women in the country as they enjoy the lavish lifestyle that only Salt Lake City's Federal Heights and The Avenues can provide. The series offers a glimpse inside the world of luxurious wealth and pampered worthiness, where the wive's breasts are as inflated as their husbands' priesthood callings. These women are in the center of it all, and they have the McMansions, the mini-vans, and the spray-on tans to prove it. From the wife of a General Authority, to a fiber artist, to an heiress, to a couple of entrepreneurs, The Real Housewives of Federal Heights is Mormon Culture at its most sophisticated.

Bios:

Vanessa Carroll 

Feisty free thinker, Vanessa Carroll, is the heir to her late husband, Max "One Eye" Carroll's fireworks empire. Her liberal views make her an odd fit for this Utah group, as she actively supports many radical, left-wing notions, such as birth control, recycling, and speed limits. But the wives accept her because she is a total hottie, has tremendous style, and lets everyone borrow her clothes. 

Zina Hafen  

 This witty and charming designer's career began when she created her own wedding dress, a confection so thick with lace and billowing fabric, that she had to be hoisted into the temple via the loading dock. Sadly, her marriage only lasted one night. But Zina's line of modest bridal and formal wear has been hugely successful, as have her sex manuals and marital advice books. A political activist and champion of traditional marriage, Zina is an active member of the Utah Eagle Forum, the Utah Historical Association and the Daughters of the Utah Pioneers. She also volunteers as Utah's (now unofficial) Porn Czar.

Katty Taylor

Former BYU cheerleader and Hot Relief Society Babes calendar girl, Katty Taylor, works 24/7 on maintaining her curvaceous and stunning figure. It's a necessity if she wants to hold on to Bishop Ralph Taylor, that randy husband of hers. Two years ago, when the bad economy forced Ralph to put her on a budget, Katty took a job as a marketing director for a line of push-up bras. Today she owns the company. Recently she financed her own brow lift and liposuction, as well as breast enhancements for her 18 year old daughter, Tiffany. A philanthropist at heart, Katty donates her time and money to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, and also to a center for the victims of ruptured silicon implants. She and "frenemy" Zina frequently clash over their differing business and personal philosophies.

Merrilee Cookson

Merrilee is neither witty nor charming, isn't very attractive, wears dowdy clothes, and has no particular talent, but she's on the show because her husband is an LDS General Authority.

Mindy Payson

Sweet spirit Mindy divides her time between scrapbooking, quilting, tole painting, tatting, clay art, and stamping. -- Skills that serve her well as a wife, mother, and member of the General Young Women's Presidency. She is adored by her family and friends, and often assumes the role of peacemaker. However, her fellow housewives sometimes tire of her penchant for turning everything into a doily. 

Sisters, don't forget to bring your favorite snacks, pop, and plenty of hankies. Also, after the show, we'll hold a critique/discussion, vote on our favorite wife, bear testimonies, and give each other mani-pedi's.

Who knows? Next year we may see the premiere of The Real Housewives of the Abbottsville Fourth Ward!

If you would like to stop receiving these e-mails, Brother Turley and the kids will tract out your house during the show.

Wisdom From The Relief Society Kitchen

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward Relief Society
From: Ruth Turley, Relief Society Enrichment Leader
Subject: Everybody said they loved my spaghetti pie last 


night at the Enrichment Meeting pot luck which surprised me cause it didn't turn out as good as it usually does. Anywho, here's the recipe.

Spaghetti Pie

Ingredients:

About 1/3 to 1/2 package of spaghetti, or as much as my Terry can hold in his fist. (Be aware he's big for a 3 year old.)

1 pound meat

1 egg

1/4 package Jell-O, any flavor other than lime, I think that's why last night's looked a little strange.

1/2 cup cottage cheese. Don't use fat-free, because it turns the whole thing into a watery mess that will gross everybody out, especially if combined with lime Jell-O.

1 jar spaghetti sauce. I use the store brand, but if you want to be fancy, you can buy the kind with what's-his-name's picture on the label. You know, the guy who made non-church approved movies with Robert Redford back in the 1920's or something.

1 cup cheese. I use Velveeta cause there's always some in the fridge. But you can also use American or Cheez Whiz or the powdered kind in the Mac and Cheese mix. -- Or Kraft if you want to be fancy.



Method:

Preheat oven to 350 degrees.

Brown meat so that it's not red, not black, but not that putrid grey color either.

Cook the spaghetti until it's soft, you know, like regular spaghetti. Some cooks like to use the "throw the spaghetti against the wall to test doneness" method, only when I tried it, my entire household joined in and things got way out of hand.

I had to boil a whole new pot.





When the spaghetti is done, drain and put it back in the pot. Combine the coagulants -- the egg and the Jell-O (not lime!) -- then dump the mix into the spaghetti and smoosh everything together with your hands.

Dump the spaghetti into a standard size pie dish and push it against the bottom and up the sides. You know, like a pie crust.

Dump in the cottage cheese, dump in the meat, then dump the sauce on top of everything else. If the filling is getting too tall, smoosh it down with a spatula, or your elbow, or a Book of Mormon DVD -- whatever you have on hand. Remember what happens in your kitchen, stays in your kitchen.

Sprinkle on the cheese. I advise not getting the cheese on the spaghetti because it will get brown and ball up and your kids will compare it to boogers or something.

Carefully place the pie in the oven on a center rack. NOTE: if you use a regular pie pan you should be able to place the pie in the oven by itself. If you use one of those aluminum disposable thingies, DO NOT place it in there by itself because it's so heavy at this point that it will collapse and you will have a mess that children and cats and dogs will "help" you clean up. You might even swear, then be consumed with guilt, and start to bawl like an emotionally challenged child, while your own emotionally challenged children look on in horror. Put the aluminum dish on a baking sheet instead, it's safer.

Sorry honey, looks like take-out tonight

Here's the part where I feel a little dumb. I can never remember how long I bake it for. I know it's longer than 30 minutes but not sure if it's 45. It's a tough call since the battery on my smoke detector died. Sometime after the gunk encrusted on my oven walls starts to sizzle but before I have to run next door to borrow a fire extinguisher.

Carefully remove the finished pie from the oven. NOTE: Use two hands and oven mitts -- not one of those cheap thin towels from Costco, or you might be tempted to swear.

Anywho . . .   Bon Appetit!


If you would like to stop receiving these e-mails, the Relief Society will come by with a casserole.