Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Why Can't They Leave Us Alone?

To: Abbottsville Stake
From: Mitchell Knightly, President of the Abbottsville Stake
Subject: Dealing With Our Persecutors

We Mormons are a humble people. We work at our jobs, raise our children, worship in our ward houses, and quietly go about our lives. We bear ill will toward no one, respect the rights of others, and mind our own business.

Nevertheless, we find ourselves on the receiving end of an endless string of crude jokes, tasteless humor, and mean-spirited portrayals that depict us as arrogant, shallow, and self-righteous.

Why can't people just leave us alone?

Sadly, the answer to that question is obvious:

1. They're jealous.
Face it, who wouldn't be? When they compare our fulfilling and joyous lives with their hellish experience, it's only natural.

2. They're bored.
When's the last time you met a non-member who actually had a life? While we're going to church, doing our home teaching and visiting teaching, cleaning the ward toilets, and otherwise standing for righteousness, they're spending their time watching porn and chugging malt liquor.When the liquor finally runs out, they've no other option than to pick on the poor defenseless Mormons who've never done a thing to them.

3. They're bigots.
Prejudice is a fact of life. Always has been. Always will be. Why else would the biggest hit on Broadway right now be a show that makes fun of a religion? To the closed minded nothing is sacred, except, of course, their own narrow opinions.

So how do we react to our persecutors? There's nothing easier. Ignore them. Don't give them the satisfaction of a response. Nothing irritates an anti-Mormon more than the existence of a happy Mormon going about his or her business.

And there is plenty to keep us busy this month. Mark the following on your calendars:

Saturday, July 16, 7:00 AM -- The kick-off of our Tracting Out Abbottsville Missionary Extravaganza! Over the course of 4 weeks we'll team up with the full-time missionaries and canvass the neighborhoods. Our goal is to knock on every non-member's door in town and place a Book of Mormon with each. (Remember, if a gay couple answers the door, politely thank them then quickly move on.)

Tuesday, July 19, 7:30 PM -- Abbottsville City Council Meeting. As always we urge all stake members to join the "Mormon Bloc" dedicated to pressuring the Council to ban gay marriage, disallow any more Starbucks franchises, eliminate sex education and biology from the high school curriculum, and shut down as many bars as possible.

Thursday, July 21, 6:00 AM -- Stake Relief Society/Young Women's Kidnap Breakfast for the Less Actives. Rather than wait for the inactive sisters and girls to come to us, we'll surprise them by sneaking into their bedrooms, dragging them outside in their pajamas, stuffing them in the car, and taking them to breakfast at the Abbottsville IHOP. (Meet at 5:30 AM in the stake parking lot, disperse in separate cars.)

Saturday, July 21, 8:00 PM -- Opening Night for the Abbottsville Stake production of Nunsense!! Don't miss this hilarious romp featuring everyone's favorite cut-up, Brother Moose McKay, in the roll of Sister Mary Amnesia.

Tuesday, July 27, 5:00-9:00 PM -- Abbottsville Stake Fund-Raising Activity. Dennis Newsome, the advisor to the Stake Public Affairs Council, will be converting his living and dining room into a call center for the Romney campaign. (Note the location has been changed from the stake center to Brother Newsome's house in order to avoid the erroneous assumption that the LDS Church in any way endorses political candidates.)

If you would like to stop receiving these emails, we'll send you your very own Testimony Glove.


  1. I regret the Mormon Church is not more active in politics. It's vision of a pluralistic, tolerant, and open theocracy headed by kindly patriarchs has always appealed to my deepest feelings of nausea.

  2. 1. They're jealous.

    Well. Admittedly Mormon lifestyle blogs have shown me quite clearly that if I hadn't left the church I'd be 100% prettier and more married than I am as a pagan apostate. So I'm pretty jealous of that.

    Not really.

  3. The Abbottsville City Council Meeting has me enraged! It's bad enough that they want to ban same-sex marriage and good education, but to disallow STARBUCKS? It's unforgivable! It's an abomination!

    On a lighter note, I'd love to see the looks on those poor women's faces at IHOP. I picture groggy, pajama-clad women with disheveled hair, giving their menfolk looks that would melt lead.

    Finally, if anyone comes to my door wearing a Testimony Glove, I'll point and laugh raucously.

  4. Don't forget those happy Mormons can also spend their time flooding the internet with Mormon propaganda and writing letters to the editor to complain about advertisements for underwear that they're not allowed to wear.


  5. Paul, those "kindly" old patriarchs make me want to hurl too.

    Diana, you'd be married, have 3 or 4 kids, maybe even be Primary President, and have a house filled with super cool crafts!! (barf)

    Ahab, yeah Starbucks really is the last straw. Years ago the teenagers in my ward tried to kidnap me but my mom wouldn't let them in. Pretty funny looking back, although at the time everyone said she "just wasn't with the program!"

    CD, yes but those ads are so over the top. It's disgusting what they inspire. ;)

  6. Never known a sharper wit, a more scathing sarcasm, a better romp! Love it!

  7. Nance, I'm not worthy! Thank you.

  8. "We bear ill will toward no one, respect the rights of others..."

    Waaaaaaaaait a minute. I thought Mormons were anti-gay! I learned that on Big Love. Someone's got some 'splainin' to do to the confused Canadian.

  9. Hi Knatolee! Yeah, I think there's a significant discrepancy between what the Mormons think of themselves and how they look and act toward others. LOL

    Thanks for your comment!

  10. Very funny, Donna!! You never miss a beat!!

  11. Thanks Diane! That's a great compliment coming from my favorite hymnal lyricist!

  12. Donna, the kidnapping? That actually happens?

  13. Paul, yeah, they call them kidnap breakfasts, although it's generally a youth activity. They also do something they call "heart attacks" where a bunch of girls go over to an inactive girl's house and fake a heart attack on her lawn -- because they'll die if she doesn't come back to church.

  14. Donna, there are days when I discover things about folks that give me hope for humanity. This is not one of those days.

  15. It's not you, Donna. You're the saving grace of the day. It's just that... well, the image of a bunch of people faking heart attacks on someone's lawn cause they will die if she doesn't come back to church. That's just disturbing.

    I want to retreat to being a Homo erectus again.

  16. Paul, I hear you. I'd almost rather be ripped out of bed, at least the neighbors would probably be asleep.