From: Brother J. "Bull" Barton, Ward Preparedness Specialist
Subject: Providing shelter for the refugees
Due to the continuing success of The Book of Mormon on Broadway, increased chatter over same sex marriage, and the alarming number of LDS young people who want to have "too much fun," I am maintaining the Ward Threat Level at RED.
Additionally, because of the recent legalization of same sex marriage in New York, ward members must prepare for the inevitable onslaught of refugees fleeing the Empire State in order to protect their traditional marriages.
In the words of T. Raymond Benson, President of the Pooghkeepsie Stake:
"A traditional marriage like mine cannot survive in an atmosphere where any two people can wed just because they love each other."New York gays may begin marrying as early as this month, leaving their hetero counterparts little time to escape before their marriages spontaneously combust. We must prepare for casualties as well as all manner of injury.
Accordingly, the Abbottsville Ward Cultural Hall has been converted to a Basic Triage Unit where incoming marriages may be divided and tagged in the following categories:
As always, every ward member is advised to have on hand a one year supply of food, a hazmat suit, at least 2 hand guns, 4 rolls of duct tape, and a gallon jug of consecrated oil. Also, the Abbottsville Temple will remain open 24 hours a day for the performing of traditional marriages.
Be diligent, brothers and sisters. There's no telling how many evil-doers will rush in to thwart our valiant effort to rescue New York's traditional marriages. Ward members should brace themselves for an onslaught of feminists, gays, and intellectuals intent on looting, murdering, masturbating, declaring Hawaii a state, and putting off marriage to have too much fun.
Remember that we are the target and nowhere is safe. We must gird our loins, take on the whole armor of God, be brave, and address this crisis in the dignified and stoical manner for which we are now famous.
If you would like to stop receiving these e-mails, you may instead be subjected to multiple viewings of Hot Rods To Hell.