Wednesday, July 6, 2011

New Yorkers Flee To Save Their Marriages

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: Brother J. "Bull" Barton, Ward Preparedness Specialist
Subject: Providing shelter for the refugees

Due to the continuing success of The Book of Mormon on Broadway, increased chatter over same sex marriage, and the alarming number of LDS young people who want to have "too much fun," I am maintaining the Ward Threat Level at RED.

Additionally, because of the recent legalization of same sex marriage in New York, ward members must prepare for the inevitable onslaught of refugees fleeing the Empire State in order to protect their traditional marriages. 
In the words of T. Raymond Benson, President of the Pooghkeepsie Stake:
"A traditional marriage like mine cannot survive in an atmosphere where any two people can wed just because they love each other."
New York gays may begin marrying as early as this month, leaving their hetero counterparts little time to escape before their marriages spontaneously combust.  We must prepare for casualties as well as all manner of injury.

Accordingly, the Abbottsville Ward Cultural Hall has been converted to a Basic Triage Unit where incoming marriages may be divided and tagged in the following categories:

Minor -- Delayed -- Immediate -- Morgue 

As always, every ward member is advised to have on hand a one year supply of food, a hazmat suit, at least 2 hand guns, 4 rolls of duct tape, and a gallon jug of consecrated oil. Also, the Abbottsville Temple will remain open 24 hours a day for the performing of traditional marriages. 

Be diligent, brothers and sisters. There's no telling how many evil-doers will rush in to thwart our valiant effort to rescue New York's traditional marriages. Ward members should brace themselves for an onslaught of feminists, gays, and intellectuals intent on looting, murdering, masturbating, declaring Hawaii a state, and putting off marriage to have too much fun. 

Remember that we are the target and nowhere is safe. We must gird our loins, take on the whole armor of God, be brave, and address this crisis in the dignified and stoical manner for which we are now famous.

If you would like to stop receiving these e-mails, you may instead be subjected to multiple viewings of Hot Rods To Hell.


  1. The plight of these refugees is deeply moving, Donna. For there is no issue facing our planet more dangerous nor frightening than the wanton desires of a perverted population to make long term, loving commitments to each other. Nuclear war, global climate change, over population, the exhaustion of the earth's resources, and the degradation of the environment all pale in comparison -- assuming they are real problems at all.

  2. OK Paul, if I had a competition similar to yours, you'd hands down win the T-shirt. :)

  3. It's all true. As soon as gay marriage is legal here in Utah I'm totally going to start masturbating.

  4. NOOOOOO! Same-sex marriage will result in gays, feminists, and intellectuals vandalizing buses with grape jelly! ANARCHY!

  5. CD and Ahab, suffice to say that the saints from the Abbottsville Fourth can not have too much duct tape on hand.

  6. Grape Jelly? Are there no depths of depravity, then, that those gays, feminists, and intellectuals will refuse to sink to?

  7. That picture is clearly not of the Abbottsville temple, for those girls are sporting immodest, shocking attire. Indeed, I must avert my eyes lest I be tempted by their sex-thought-inducing shoulders... Avert! Avert!

    This post is hilarious. Thanks for the laugh as always, Donna!

  8. Yes, Paul, I'm afraid Ahab is right. The feminists, gays and intellectuals will stoop to anything, including grape jelly, and maybe even peanut butter.

    Kate, you're right it's not the temple. Looks more like the St. George City Hall. lol thanks for the comment!

  9. By the way, Donna, thank you for your wonderful compliment! :)

  10. "It's all true. As soon as gay marriage is legal here in Utah I'm totally going to start masturbating."

    I have not waited for gay marriage to become legal in Colorado to start masturbating. That just goes to show how upset gay marriage has made me!

  11. Oh my Paul! You must be terribly disturbed over this, but also wise. If CD really plans on delaying self gratification until gay marriage is legal in UT, she may have a long wait!

  12. Gay marriage legal in UT? Good heavens! The mere thought...

    Please excuse me, Donna, I once again feel compelled to deal with this issue in a decisive fashion. Damn those feminists, homosexuals, and intellectuals! Combating their influence exhausts me.

  13. Paul, LOL, yes it is a marathon battle for some.