Tuesday, August 14, 2012

Mormons: A Blank Page

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: Dennis Newsome, Stake Public Affairs Council and Local Romney Campaign Chair
Subject: Check out this cool interview!

Recently Wendy Roberts, the perky and hip author of Mormons: A Blank Pagewas interviewed by the popular comedian, Ron Baxter. Here's a transcript:

Ron Baxter: Wendy, welcome to the show.

Wendy Roberts: (smiles brightly) Thanks for having me, Ron.

RB: The title of your book is Mormons: A Blank Page. What does that mean? That there's nothing there?

WR: Exactly, Ron. We have nothing to hide. People have the wrong idea about us. They think we're this weird, secretive little cult of fanatics who baptize dead people and believe we will become gods of our own planets.

RB: And that's not true?

WR: Well, it's a little true. (giggles) But we also make great cinnamon rolls.

RB: Your church recently built a magnificent shopping mall in downtown Salt Lake City.

WR: (giggles) We love to shop, just like everyone else, Ron.

RB: I did see lots of people shopping in that mall when I was there last. I also saw folks going into the famous Mormon temple across the street. But when I asked, they told me I couldn't enter because I'm not a Mormon. Why is the Mormon temple so secret, Wendy?

WR: It's not secret, Ron, it's sacred, that's all. There's nothing secret going on.

RB: So you could tell me the details of a Mormon temple ceremony?

WR: Sure! Only afterward I would have to slit your throat.

RB: (coughs) You say you're a root beer in a country of Cokes. What do you mean by that?

WR: That we fit in. I mean everybody likes root beer, right?

RB: I guess. It's not my choice typically . . .

WR: The point is Ron, we're part of the menu. People needn't fear us any more than we fear them. Did you know that earlier this year hundreds of Mormons marched in Gay Pride parades?


RB: So the Mormons now endorse gay marriage?

WR: Oh no.

RB: Civil unions?

WR: 'Fraid not.

RB: What kind of same-sex relationships does the church endorse?

WR: None. But some of us march in parades!

RB: Marvelous, Wendy. In your opinion, should Americans be afraid to vote for Mitt Romney because he's a Mormon?

WR: Not only should Americans not be afraid, they should want him to be president.

RB: And why is that, Wendy?

WR: (smiles brightly) Might as well get used to him. In the next life he's going to be the God of their planet.

RB: HO-KAY! The book is Mormons: A Blank Page. We're going to commercial now. See you on the other side . . .

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  1. "Sure! Only afterward I would have to slit your throat."

    I wish this was only a joke. Blood atonement, anyone?

  2. Oh dear. Although I have heard from outsiders that Mormonism does seem like a blank slate at times, although not in a good way.

  3. I am truly baffled as to why anybody pays any attention to Joanna Brooks. Her take on Mormonism is so disconnected from reality, and her column rarely offers anything insightful. I also love how she utterly dodged Stewart's question regarding whether or not Romney is sworn to obey the prophet.

  4. @Ahab, blood atonement is one of those ugly parts of Mormon history that Mormons like Joanna don't want to acknowledge.

    @pm girl, if you take away all the embarrassing aspects of the Mormonism, you aren't left with much, I'm afraid.

    Molly, I agree. She's found a way to stay happy within it, fine. But she refuses to acknowledge how troubling the Mormon experience is for others.

  5. I think LDS Inc. pays her under the table to be a secret apologist who makes the cult look progressive. But I repeat myself. ; )

    A little intellectual dishonesty with your root beer, anyone?

  6. CD, You may be right. She certainly "earns" it. But knowing LDS Inc. she gets a free root beer and they get her 10%.

  7. You guys sure love to make these blogs. You know what they say, you can leave the church, you just can't leave it alone.

  8. Hey Weston,
    Thanks for your comment and thanks for reading! Please don't stop leaving exmormon blogs alone -- you know you can't. Nor would I want you to. ;)