Tuesday, August 21, 2012

Mormons Rush In To Help Mitt's Campaign

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: H. LaVar Turley, Ward Mission Leader
Subject: Our turn to define rape!

As most of you know by now, the Romney Campaign has shifted its strategy, and is now not only willing, but eager to discuss the church! Isn't that thrilling Abbottsville Fourth?!

And it couldn't come at a more crucial time - now that the Republicans are reeling over the errant comments from Representative Todd Akin.

Eager to diffuse the situation, I wrote the following op-ed for the Abbottsville Gazette:

Mormons on Rape
H. LaVar Turley

Like all practicing Mormons, I believe that rape is a vile and heinous act. But not all rapes are "legitimate." Indeed there are several categories, and in each the blame must be assigned accordingly.

First there is the all-to-common "invited rape," when a scantily clad woman teases a man out of his mind until he has no other option than to throw her on the ground and have his way with her. In these cases the woman is obviously at fault. 

Second there is the "accidental rape," when a righteous woman is sincerely trying to be modest and something accidentally happens. - Like a gust of wind comes along and blows her skirt up a little and the guy sees and just can't help himself. (This is sometimes referred to as "no-fault" rape.)

Thirdly, there is the "necessary rape." You know, that's when guys like me have to do the little woman in order to fulfill our calling to "multiply and replenish the earth." In these cases both parties are usually grateful. At least that's how it is in my house. . . . I think.

Finally, there is the "legitimate rape," when a man forces himself on a righteous woman who has done nothing to deserve it. In these rare cases, the man is at fault and probably ought to receive some sort of punishment. Or at least a fine.

Because we are a progressive people, we believe that in cases of "legitimate rape" the victim may be entitled to an abortion if she chooses. But only after she is reminded that if she had been truly righteous, her temple garments should have prevented her pregnancy.

Vote for Romney!

If you would like to stop receiving these e-mails, we'll assume it's because of a malfunction in your temple garments.   

Also check out my review of a couple of great reads over on Main Street Plaza!


  1. Amidst the hideousness of the Akin scandal, it's refreshing to laugh at right-wing stupidity. Thanks. I needed this.

  2. I'm not kidding...their side "miss-speaks" at a rate of, like four to zero. for evertime the GOP miss-speaks, whether it is Senate, congress, or roger Clemmens, Prog-libs miss-speak aprox zero times. Was' up with that.


  3. Thanks Ahab, it's laughter that keeps us sane.

    Kriss, you make a good point. The GOP has been on the wrong side of the issues now for a long time. Guess that makes it hard for them to articulate their argument.

  4. Oh, wouldn't it be funny if this post didn't reflect the truth. My blood boils when I think of all the women -- those I know and many more I don't -- who have been blamed for being sexually assaulted. Even when they were children.

    Why don't things like that come to light in this "Mormon Moment"? I watched Brian Williams' Mormon expose last night and almost puked.

  5. Yuck. i missed the Mormon "expose" - I'm assuming it wasn't very enlightening.

    And you're right, this whole "legitimate rape" thing is a means to protect men who coerce minors - like JS for example.