Wednesday, August 8, 2012

Sorry Abbottsville Fourth -- It's The Ex-Mormon Moment

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: Donna Banta
Subject: Having too much fun to keep up with your damned e-mails, Abbottsville Fourth

Been busy the past couple of weeks. After the amazing Ex-Mormon party at San Francisco's Hotel Utah Saloon, we headed to Salt Lake City for the Sunstone Symposium. I had the honor to be part of 2 panels. The first was Cheryl Bruno's "The Vagina Monologues." My contribution was a satirical (of course) argument in favor of women being the stronger sex.

Here's an excerpt:
After lunch I headed to the library hoping to do some research. Unfortunately, I found it impossible to concentrate, thanks to a shockingly immodest young man in a pair of Levi’s 501 Shrink to Fit jeans.
Now, you may ask, “Don’t lots of boys at BYU wear 501 Shrink to Fits?” Perhaps. But this particular young man had an especially curvy backside that strained the confines of his tightly shrunk pants. Then, when he turned toward me, I was confronted with his well-defined, bulging and enormous maleness. Hot, sweaty, and breathless, I quit the building.
This is difficult to explain to somebody who only has a penis. You see, God designed the penis for a single purpose -- the impregnating of the holy female womb -- an act that is efficient, perfunctory, and complete inside of a minute.
The vagina, on the other hand, has that sacred spot that God created specifically for pleasure and nothing else. It alone is comprised of 8,000 nerve fibers – compared to the measly penis that, in its entirety, is equipped with only 4,000 nerve fibers. So by nature, men have no concept of the dangerous power of the female orgasm.
Once aroused, a woman’s passion gathers, builds, swells with quivering anticipation, and finally peaks in hot, wet waves of erotic pleasure that drives her to a prolonged climax of non-stop frenzied desire. Even then she may not be sated, and can achieve orgasm again and again for hour upon hour with no end in sight.
That young man in the 501’s had no idea how lucky he was. If I hadn’t had the courage to leave when I did, I might have lost control, thrown him on the ground, and had my way with him. And it would have been entirely his fault.
I rushed home to find my helpmeet, Mark, alone at his craft table hot gluing felt for an upcoming Elders’ Quorum lesson.
I seized him. “I have to have you now!”
“Can I at least finish my felt . . .”
“Screw the felt."

The second was Chanson's panel of Ex-Mormon bloggers. The topic I chose was real vs. fake happiness. Excerpt:
When I was a Mormon I looked really sad. But inside I knew I was really happy. I had to be. I was a member of the one and only true church.
It's the people who left who were sad. Also drunk, bankrupt, dying of AIDS and victims of every other calamity promised in a scary chain letter. 
Sure they looked happy -- but it wasn't real happiness. It was the fake happiness that came when a person committed a grievous sin, like going shopping on Sunday. Real happiness was attending tithing settlement.

Me, Carol and some great reads
I also worked the Mormon Alumni Association book table where I sold some great books and chatted up some very cool people. 

Then Saturday night after the close of the symposium, Mark and I headed over to Squatters to join a group of amazing Ex-Mormon bloggers and writers that included Chino Blanco, Andrew S, Holly, John HamerBarbara Hanks, and, of course, Chanson.

When we arrived at the brew pub, I told the hostess we were looking for the group of Ex-Mormons. She smiled and said, "Well, feel free to wander around until you find the Ex-Mormons you're looking for." Oops! OMG, I forgot I was in Salt Lake City, where everyone in the bar on Saturday night might be an Ex-Mormon. And needless to say the place was packed! Awesome.

It's the Ex-Mormon Moment!
We got home Saturday evening, unpacked, crashed, then headed out on Sunday for another Ex-Mormon event, this time at the San Francisco Ferry Building. We arrived to find our usual handful of folks in the corner. After all, this was San Francisco, not Salt Lake City. Then the most amazing thing happened. Some more Ex-Mormons arrived, then a few more, then more again, and pretty soon we found ourselves dragging over another of the massive tables outside of Peet's Coffee to accommodate our numbers!

Who knows? Maybe this time next year when I wander into Peet's and ask the barista where the group of Ex-Mormons is she'll invite me to wander around until I find the group I'm looking for.

Eat your hearts out, Abbottsville Fourth.

Also, please read this awesome review of my bookThe Girls From Fourth Ward, by postmormon girl!


  1. I met you at Sunstone and bought your book. I was so excited to read it, especially after your clever "Vagina Testimony." The book certainly did not disappoint! I loved it and read it all in one Sunday while I stayed home from church "sick" :) Now I'm trying to figure out who I can lend it to. Love the blog, keep it coming!

  2. OMG, Melissa! You stayed home from church to read my book? I can't think of a better compliment. Thank you so much. Also, thanks for passing it along and spreading the word that you liked it.

    Those Vagina Testimonies were fun, don't you think? :)

  3. My Double D Cups runneth over with jealousy of your fantastic adventures and all the fascinating conversations.

    For your information, the guys at BYU who wear shrink to fit 501's butter their bread on the men's choir side. You can look but until you have a mere 4000 model penis you cannot even begin to satisfy those "Confirmed bachelors". Alas, we must look from afar when such pretty men are presenting themselves so shamelessly.

    Good looking men are just asking to be mounted and ridden "Hie to Kolob", aren't they?

  4. LOL, I'm afraid you're right, Dee. I guess I never will have my way with one of them. Fortunately Mark looks hot in felt...

  5. You rock, Donna!

    Am I correct in assuming that "screw the felt" is a double entendre?

    I liked your VM story because it served as a clever reversal of conservative assumptions about sexuality. Too many conservatives assume that men will be overwhelmed with desire if women dress provocatively, leading to spontaneous combustion, outbreaks of shingles, and the end of the world. I liked this reversal!

  6. Now I am feeling very sad that I had to miss Sunstone! I may look happy on the outside but I am crying on the inside. :'(

  7. Thanks Ahab! That was certainly my point. Can't remember where now, but in one my women's facebook groups somebody posted an article or talk written by a Mormon police officer about self defense for women. It centered on dressing "modestly" and even included a warning to avoid wearing more than one earring in each ear.

    pm girl:It was fun. Sorry you couldn't be there, but don't despair! There's always another reason to party in the future. :)

  8. Sounds like a plan to me! I think Phyllis Freud would be proud of your Vagina Monologue!

  9. What a lovely trip! If Mormonism had been like this it's possible I never would have left.

  10. No kidding. I forgot to mention the great lunch at Oasis -- great company + 2 glasses of wine. :)