Thursday, October 4, 2012

The Fasting Worked!

To: Abbottsville Stake
From: Dennis Newsome, Stake Public Affairs Council
Subject: Yay! We won!

Woo-hoo! The Public Affairs Council of the Abbottsville Stake couldn't be more pleased with the results of last night's debate. But we must extend our apology to the faithful members of the Abbottsville Stake. Boy were we were wrong.

Fasting was enough!

Sure Daniel C. Peterson deserves credit for providing Romney with an apologetic version of his proposed tax cuts. And it turned out that Elder Henry B. Eyring served as a pretty good stand-in for Obama during the practice debates. (Who knew?)

But in the final analysis, the real credit goes to you, the faithful rank and file members of the one and only true church, who ensured Romney's victory through prayer, fasting, righteous living and obedience to the gospel. 

How else could a candidate so lacking in logical arguments, ideas, basic communication skills, humility, sincerity and actual answers to the questions have managed to prevail in a national debate?

Don't be modest Abbottsville Stake, we all know it's you who delivered the goods for Mitt. Give yourselves a well-deserved pat on the back.

Then get back to work! The election is only weeks away and there are two more debates to go. The salvation of the Free World now depends solely on your fasting, prayers, obedience to the gospel and your personal righteousness. Drop the ball now and the Constitution may soon be hanging by a thread. 

And it will be entirely your fault.

Have a nice day!

If you would like to stop receiving these e-mails, we'll send you a copy of Daniel C. Peterson's apologetic version of the Romneys' recent tax returns.


  1. No fasting for me! I'm eating blackberries right now in a deliberate effort to undermine the Romney campaign.

  2. I guess I need to up the gluttony as well. :)

  3. I've a couple of Feast for Obama threads on Facebook. :)