Fasting For Mitt Isn't Enough!

To: Abbottsville Stake
From: Dennis Newsome, Stake Public Affairs Council
Subject: Fasting for Mitt

The Public Affairs Council of the Abbottsville Stake encourages all members to participate in the upcoming fast for Mitt Romney to win the presidential debate. I can assure you the candidate appreciates your fasting and prayers.

But he needs more. Unfortunately, Mitt's tireless service in the one and only true church has not prepared him for success in a national campaign. Worldly voters expect a knowledge and understanding of their concerns, racial sensitivity, ideas, logical arguments, a respect for women, sincerity, basic communication skills, humility, and actual answers to the questions. Since when does the average member of an LDS High Council waste his time with any of that? Am I making my point, Abbottsville Stake? Romney needs more that the average debate prep.

Because he now has so much time on his hands, Daniel C. Peterson has generously offered to advise Mitt on the crafting of a new apologetic version of his tax returns, health care plan, foreign policy, proposed tax cuts, and his views on climate change. Thus prepared, Romney will finally be able to demonstrate his firm handle on the issues.

Where the campaign is falling short, however, is in finding an Obama stand-in for the mock debates. Romney's first sparring partner was Elder Henry B. Eyring, who couldn't quite capture the "sexy wow!" factor. After that Elder Boyd K Packer gave it a go, but failed miserably for reasons that would offend 90% of the electorate, Clint Eastwood, and even a few people in the Abbottsville Stake. Then they finally thought they had a shoe-in with Jon Huntsman, only he couldn't stop laughing long enough to get through the first round of questions.

The situation becoming desperate, the Romney Campaign ran a tastefully worded ad in the Deseret News, which has so far attracted no qualified candidates. With the debates beginning in days, the campaign has no choice but to extend its ad circulation to the entire Mission Field! If you are or know of a qualified person to stand-in for Obama in Romney's practice debates, PLEASE contact the campaign immediately:

The Romney campaign is looking for a white LDS priesthood holder to stand-in for President Obama in the practice debates with Governor Romney. Qualified candidates must demonstrate a familiarity with the constitution, an interest in the current geopolitical climate, an understanding of the U.S. tax code, a respect for women and people of color, a tolerance toward those of different sexual orientations, a logical mind, good communication skills, and a thorough understanding of all of Satan's arguments. Current temple recommend holders only, please. Applicants will not be required to submit their birth certificates.

Get busy, Abbottsville Stake! The future of the free world depends on us!

If you would like to stop receiving these e-mails, we'll assume you're one of those worldly voters who expects his leaders to have "actual answers to the questions."