Thursday, September 20, 2012

Secret Video of Ward Potluck Leaked

To: Abbottsville Stake
From: Dennis Newsome, Stake Public Affairs Council
Subject: Secret Video Leaked

Recently a secret video of Mitt Romney addressing guests at a ward potluck in Fruit Heights, Utah was leaked to the media. Here is a transcript of the former governor's remarks:

Governor Romney:

Here's how I break down the American electorate:

First there's the 47% who are whiny, inept, lazy moochers who've never done a day's work, speak with funny accents, think they're so big, don't go to church, and waste their time pontificating about hoity-toity things like science. There's no way these losers are going to vote for me. Er...well, actually they did vote for me back when I was running for governor of Massachusetts, but that's only because I was pretending to be one of them, and now I'm not, so they won't vote for me which is fine because they're a bunch of irresponsible loafers that I could care less about.

Next there's the 47% who are NASCAR loving, gun toting, snake handling, square dancing hillbillies who belong to The Great and Abominable Church or one of its clones, have really bad haircuts, and hate my opponent so much that they would probably vote for an inflatable woman just to get him out of office. And thank goodness for that, because as far as I'm concerned, spending time with that lot is right up there with watching an endless loop of Hee Haw reruns.

Then there's the 5% comprised of complete morons who actually claim they don't know who to vote for. Thanks to them, I am forced to continue this tiresome campaign.

And let's not forget the elite and privileged bazillionaires who are the top 1%. I don't really care for them either. But I have to be nice to them because they're funding my campaign.

Finally there's you, my fellow Latter-day Saints, the only people whose company I keep. That's because you are among the scant percentage of Americans who are members of The One and Only True Church, the organization that I have pledged all of my time, talent and resources to in the Lord's temple and have given more money to than I would ever pony up for IRS.


--In a recent statement, the governor said that while he admits his comments at the potluck were a bit inarticulate, he stands by his message.

If you would like to stop receiving these emails you might as well vote for an inflatable woman.


  1. Spot-on, unfortunately. And kind of depressing.

  2. I honestly can't think of a poorer candidate for president. He cannot connect to anyone!

  3. Why are your posts so awesome...whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy


  4. What he said in your post is probably what he's wishing he'd said at that $50-per-plate dinner. The Mormon potluck speech is much more elegantly stated. By far.

  5. Poor Mitt. All his problems would be solved if he could just keep his mouth shut. Oh, and if he were Latino.

  6. CD and Jennifer, I agree, Mitt is so misunderstood, except when he's around Mormons.

  7. You're an excellent rich guy-to-English translator. Have you considered designing a language translation program that converts one-percentese into English? It would be invaluable during the election.

  8. @Ahab, Romney is your classic rich guy. But the fact that he's also a leader in the one and only true church puts him even more over the edge.