Friday, January 4, 2013

Utah Congressman Saves America

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: Brother J. "Bull" Barton, Ward Preparedness Specialist
Subject: Ward Preparedness Update

Thanks to the recent publication of Seven Miracles That Made America Great by the beloved patriot and recently elected congressman, Arlen Jamison (R-Utah), I have decided to lower the Ward Threat Level to ORANGE.

Up until now, our children's view of our nation's history has been formed by the feminists, gays and intellectuals who authored the text books distributed in our public schools. Finally we have a volume that will teach them the real story. And just in time to save our future generations.

Meticulously referenced, Seven Miracles That Made America Great describes in painstaking detail and absolute accuracy the 7 authentic miracles that made America what it is today.


Chapter headings:
  1. The Miracle of the Declaration of Independence
  2. The Miracle of the US Constitution
  3. The Miracle of the Lever Action Repeating Rifle
  4. The Miracle of High Fructose Corn Syrup
  5. The Miracle of Technicolor
  6. The Miracle of President Reagan's Strategic Naps
  7. The Miracle of Forrest Gump
Excerpt from Chapter 2:
Silas Baxter trudged toward home after another frustrating session of the Constitutional Convention. A squirrel scampered across his path, and in the distance a horse whinnied.1 Meanwhile, the sun made its slow demise into the horizon.  
A gas light flickered at his neighbor's window. Inside Ebenezer Mathers had just flipped to page 42 of Izaak Walton's The Compleat Angler--the section about the live worm.2 
Unfortunately Silas had no time for such diversion. He was about the business of forming the constitution. 
Standing for righteousness. Liberty. Freedom. The American way.
She was waiting at the doorway, a cotton shawl around her shoulders.3 "Hi honey, how was your day?"
He looked up at her familiar dark eyes, her soft full ruby lips, and that comely figure he'd memorized inch by inch.4 "Very discouraging. Mr. Franklin insists on abolishing slavery, while the delegates from the South refuse to give it up. I'm torn between the two sides."
She nodded and made that little pouty face that always drove him wild. "Oh honey, you're such a softy. Feeling sorry for the poor slaves. But shouldn't your first concern be straight white men? I mean, without the necessary legislative safeguards, what will become of you?"
Silas looked to the heavens for an answer. A ferruginous hawk circled the sky. It had a deformed talon.
Then the inspiration struck. "By george you're right! First things first. And who knows? In the years to come God might change his mind about Black people."5
  1. Author's imagination
  2. Senator Crapo's recent LSD trip.
  3. Seven Miracles That Saved America, page 237.
  4. Seven Examples of the World's Worst Writing, page 1.
  5. Book of Mormon Musical, Act II.

I advise all ward members to have at least 3 copies of this essential reading on hand. Also the requisite 4 rolls of duct tape, 2 hazmat suits, a gallon jug of consecrated oil, 2 handguns, and scriptures, The Ensign, Twister and Yahtzee! to amuse yourselves in the bunker.

This concludes this Ward Preparedness Update.

If you would like to stop receiving these emails, you probably just need to play a good game of Yahtzee!


  1. Does ALL Mormon writing feel like this?

  2. No. But an alarming amount of it does.

  3. It's not called "orange"'s called "pumpkin." Happy New Year to the both o' ya.


  4. Oh right, Kriss! Pumpkin. Happy New Year to you as well.

  5. At first I thought you had written another hilarious satire, Donna, but when I came across the Miracle of High Fructose Corn Syrup as one of the Seven that made America great, I realized immediately that you were quoting a serious and highly perceptive history of the US. I mean, I'm old enough to remember when high fructose corn syrup was all that stood between us and Soviet domination of our sweet teeth.

  6. Paul! Great to hear from you. And indeed, if it weren't for high fructose corn syrup...