Utah Congressman Saves America

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: Brother J. "Bull" Barton, Ward Preparedness Specialist
Subject: Ward Preparedness Update

Thanks to the recent publication of Seven Miracles That Made America Great by the beloved patriot and recently elected congressman, Arlen Jamison (R-Utah), I have decided to lower the Ward Threat Level to ORANGE.

Up until now, our children's view of our nation's history has been formed by the feminists, gays and intellectuals who authored the text books distributed in our public schools. Finally we have a volume that will teach them the real story. And just in time to save our future generations.

Meticulously referenced, Seven Miracles That Made America Great describes in painstaking detail and absolute accuracy the 7 authentic miracles that made America what it is today.

________

Chapter headings:

1. The Miracle of the Declaration of Independence
2. The Miracle of the US Constitution
3. The Miracle of the Lever Action Repeating Rifle
4. The Miracle of High Fructose Corn Syrup
5. The Miracle of Technicolor
6. The Miracle of President Reagan's Strategic Naps
7. The Miracle of Forrest Gump

Excerpt from Chapter 2:

Silas Baxter trudged toward home after another frustrating session of the Constitutional Convention. A squirrel scampered across his path, and in the distance a horse whinnied.¹ Meanwhile, the sun made its slow demise into the horizon.  

A gas light flickered at his neighbor's window. Inside Ebenezer Mathers had just flipped to page 42 of Izaak Walton's The Compleat Angler--the section about the live worm.² 

Unfortunately Silas had no time for such diversion. He was about the business of forming the constitution. 

Standing for righteousness. Liberty. Freedom. The American way.

She was waiting at the doorway, a cotton shawl around her shoulders.³ "Hi honey, how was your day?"

He looked up at her familiar dark eyes, her soft full ruby lips, and that comely figure he'd memorized inch by inch.⁴ "Very discouraging. Mr. Franklin insists on abolishing slavery, while the delegates from the South refuse to give it up. I'm torn between the two sides."

She nodded and made that little pouty face that always drove him wild. "Oh honey, you're such a softy. Feeling sorry for the poor slaves. But shouldn't your first concern be straight white men? I mean, without the necessary legislative safeguards, what will become of you?"

Silas looked to the heavens for an answer. A ferruginous hawk circled the sky. It had a deformed talon.

Then the inspiration struck. "By george you're right! First things first. And who knows? In the years to come God might change his mind about Black people."⁵

1. Author's imagination
2. Senator Crapo's recent LSD trip.
3. Seven Miracles That Saved America, page 237.
4. Seven Examples of the World's Worst Writing, page 1.
5. Book of Mormon Musical, Act II.

________

I advise all ward members to have at least 3 copies of this essential reading on hand. Also the requisite 4 rolls of duct tape, 2 hazmat suits, a gallon jug of consecrated oil, 2 handguns, and scriptures, The Ensign, Twister and Yahtzee! to amuse yourselves in the bunker.

This concludes this Ward Preparedness Update.

If you would like to stop receiving these emails, you probably just need to play a good game of Yahtzee!

Mormons And Gays

To: Abbottsville Stake
From: Mitchell Knightly, President of the Abbottsville Stake
Subject: The Church reaches out to gays and lesbians

Recently the Brethren made the following statement regarding our gay and lesbian brothers and sisters:

The experience of same-sex attraction is a complex issue for the LDS Church. That is because we have long held the position that homosexuality is a vile and unnatural orientation. Only we can't really say so anymore because when we do people call us prejudiced and sometimes even quit attending church.

In that spirit, we reach out to our gay and lesbian brothers and sisters. We understand that many of you may not have chosen to become gay. But even if Heavenly Father accidentally gave you this so-called tendency, He certainly didn't intend for you to act upon it. We know this is difficult for you, our dear "unique" brothers and sisters. But here's the good news: if you remain either celibate or in a completely unsatisfying heterosexual marriage, after you die there's a good chance that you will be resurrected as a normal person. 

Be strong, be stedfast, and remember you are not alone. The same is true for our brothers and sisters who are kleptomaniacs or serial killers or would-be sex traffickers. They must also abstain.

But the bottom line is, we love all of you, and from here on we intend to be nice to you. As long as you are doing your best to pretend that you're not gay, you don't have to feel too guilty about it, probably shouldn't commit suicide, ought to come out to church, and definitely need to keep paying your tithing.

In conclusion, this is not a change in the LDS Church's policy on gays and lesbians. We have always believed this, just as we have always believed that Blacks are equal and that marriage is between one man and one woman. This policy will continue to be our long standing position until it is replaced by a new policy that again represents what we have always believed.

For more information go to mormonsandgays.org 

If you would like to stop receiving these emails we encourage you not to act upon it.

ALSO--Check out this new 5 star review for The Girls From Fourth Ward by Bishop Flatlander!