Thursday, January 10, 2013

Still Earning Her MRS Degree

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: Ruthie Renfro
Subject: Still doing my darndest at BYU-I

Dear Abbottsville Fourth Ward,

Golly I just don't know how I can ever thank you for fasting as a ward and then pooling your hard earned savings together to buy me the most awesome Christmas present ever!!! Gosh Abbottsville Fourth, you're the best. And thanks to you, I'm going to do my double-darndest to earn that MRS degree!

The staff at the Rexburg NewYou! were way cool, and my cosmetic surgeon, Dr. Moroni Tanner, is Idaho's leading expert on silicone implants--making him a household name to all of the sisters in Rexburg's tri-stake area Relief Society! And boy can I testify to you, he is truly an artiste. Your money has been well spent!

I'm back to full recovery now and am armed with a closetful of tight sweaters. I can't wait to take my new girls out for a spin. And guess what, A-4--I've got a date this weekend! WOO-HOO! I haven't met him yet, but his name is Tony and he's a friend of my roommate Suz, and he agreed to go out with me in exchange for Suz letting him off the hook for that money he owes her. In return I'm letting Suz borrow my new sweaters. Hey, can I make a deal or what?

But don't worry, A-4, your Ruthie isn't taking anything for granted. I know my last days are fast approaching. I also know that I have a super special opportunity now to snatch a man while all the 19-year-old girls are on their missions! I still cook for 7 different guys' apartments, do housekeeping for 5, and iron for all of the RM's I can rip the shirts off of.

You came through for me and I'm going to come through for you! Hopefully in 2014 I'll have grown out of the sweaters, and will need to buy some nursing bras. ;-)

Ruthie Renfro

P.S. Turns out I flunked Logic. Which means it may take even longer for me to graduate! Tee-hee.

If you would like to stop receiving these emails, we'll send you a brochure from the Rexburg New You!


  1. Ruthie, Ruthie, Ruthie, this isn't going to work, dear.

  2. Dr. Moroni Tanner! If I had a penis I would name it that.

  3. They can leave the church, they just can't leave it alone.

  4. weston! Welcome back and thanks for reading.

  5. Is there hope for me? I'm eighteen and my breasts are barely budding. I probably don't even need all-out surgery. I probably merely need supplementation of hormones, or a really powerful push-up bra. How come all other wards are more generous than are mine? If someone doesn't do something to help, no man (except a child molester) will even look at me bfore I turn 24, at which time I will already be an old maid. PLUS, my bishop AND stake president say I look too young to eve consider submitting papers for a mission, so that option is out. I am a doomed woman.

  6. OMG Alexis! I feel your pain. Best case scenario you move to a more generous ward. Beyond that, check out the child molester--maybe he's not so bad as you think!! (snort)

  7. Ruthie's experience gives new meaning to the term "resurrection." And will they rise with her? I guess Jesus died for silicon too, eh?

    P.S. You really need to write a blog post about this:

    Notice the sidebar where our AG is quoted as prophesying that our local scary witch/leader of the Utah Eagle Forum is a shoe in for the CK.

  8. Agi Tater, thanks for the comment and link. Gail and the Eagle are indeed the profile of the CK--a place I've no intention of aspiring to. Not my crowd. :)

  9. I once had a vision, Donna, in which it was revealed to me that archeologists 100,000 years from now will did up our skeletons, notice that they frequently were buried with two silicon lumps placed on the chest, and conclude that our religion involved the worship of bubbles. In that conclusion, they will be right, but for all the wrong reasons.