Thursday, April 7, 2011

Ward Threat Level Increase!

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: Brother J. "Bull" Barton, Ward Preparedness Specialist
Subject: Ward Preparedness Update

No fair. I never get to have fun.
Due to the recent cancellation of Glenn Beck's TV show, increased chatter over same sex marriage, and the alarming number of LDS young people who want to have "too much fun," I have raised the Ward Threat Level to RED.

Every ward member is advised to have on hand a one year supply of food, a hazmat suit, at least 2 hand guns, 4 rolls of duct tape, and a gallon jug of consecrated oil. 

We know he's a professor because
he has a chalkboard!
There's no telling how much evil will rush in to fill the void left by Professor Beck. Ward members should brace themselves for an onslaught of feminists, gays, and intellectuals intent on looting, murdering, masturbating, declaring Hawaii a state, and putting off marriage to have too much fun. 

Be aware, brothers and sisters, that we are the target and nowhere is safe. For example, I strongly suspect that during the closed-circuit televising of last Saturday's General Priesthood Session somebody poisoned the drinking fountains at the Abbottsville Stake Center with a substance that robs red-blooded American males of their precious bodily fluids.

Brethren in other stakes have voiced similar suspicions. I am assembling a task force to investigate how global this fiendish anti-Mormon plot has become, and will report our findings ASAP.

In the mean time remain vigilant, and don't forget to submit your nominations for our Official Ward Gun

This concludes your Ward Preparedness Update.

Your fellow patriot,
Bull Barton

If you want to stop receiving these e-mails, we'll assume you're part of the plot.

(Psst ... Thanks Ahab for sending me the article I linked to "too much fun.")


  1. Especially watch out for Gay Banditos!

  2. Hilarious, Macha, thanks for sharing!

  3. Awesome! "Professor Beck" ::snort!::

    If they're really worried about those feminists, gays, and intellectuals masturbating ... well, let's just say they're a day late and a CTR cock ring short. ; )

  4. Thanks CD. Those feminists, gays, and intellectuals certainly are terrifying!

  5. Rampaging hordes of feminists, gays, and intellectuals? Why doesn't the fun stuff ever happen in MY state?

    Don't tell the Mormons, but coffee and hefeweizen are two means by which American males can replenish their precious bodily fluids.

  6. Lord, Ahab, the Mormons dearly need hefeweizen!

  7. Consecrated oil. That'll save ya!

  8. You can never have enough, Leah. I think it must get pretty greasy down there in the bunker. lol

  9. I would suggest not consecrating the gallon of oil until it is needed for blessings. That way it can always be available as back up should you run short for your cracked wheat bread. Just make sure you have a worthy priesthood holder with you at all times.

    It is in dire situations like this that I always ask: WWJC- What Would Jesus Carry? I imagine he is partial to a Colt 45, humble and understated yet as penetrating as the Still Small Voice.

  10. love this post donna, i need to catch up on your blog!! oh how professor beck will be missed.

  11. Stupendous! That water seems to be effective in robbing its intended victims of guts, hearts, balls, and all but the reptilian bulb of the brain. This might explain what's happened to the leadership and most of the voting population of South Carolina, too.

  12. OMG, Steve, you need to write a funny blog. Yes, the Colt 45 is far more humble and penetrating than the Swiss Army Gun (above.) I'll forward your suggestion to Brother Bull. Also, could you send the recipe for the cracked wheat bread?

    @Sarah. Thank you!! Hugs, and never fear. I have a feeling that "Dr." Beck will always be around.

    Nance, you're hilarious. I wish I'd had a friend like you when I lived in Dallas. But count your blessings, you live in a gorgeous place, and so far anyway, South Carolina doesn't have a state gun. (It doesn't does it?)