LDS Church Pans The Book Of Mormon

To: Abbottsville Stake
From: Mitchell Knightly, President of the Abbottsville Stake
Subject: Church Headquarters requested I forward the following:

Statement From An Official Spokesperson of

THE CHURCH OF JESUS CHRIST OF LATTER-DAY SAINTS

Reviews of "The Book of Mormon" musical have been all over the entertainment media in the past few weeks. According to the reviews, the play sketches the journey of two Mormon missionaries from their sheltered life in Salt Lake City to Uganda, where their training and experience proves wholly inadequate to the realities of a continent plagued by poverty, hunger, AIDS, genital mutilation and other horrors.

A few misguided members of THE CHURCH OF JESUS CHRIST OF LATTER-DAY SAINTS who have seen the musical and blogged about it seem to have gone out of their way to be good sports, to show they can take it, and to not appear thin skinned, defensive, self important, or mean spirited. Some even claim to have enjoyed the show. That's their choice. To each his own. There's always room for different perspectives, even those of warped, immoral, cowardly hypocrites who have too much time on their hands, but still call themselves members of THE CHURCH OF JESUS CHRIST OF LATTER-DAY SAINTS.

As for me, I'm not buying what I'm reading in the reviews. Specifically, I'm not willing to spend $200 for a ticket to be sold the idea that THE CHURCH OF JESUS CHRIST OF LATTER-DAY SAINTS moves along oblivious to real-world problems, encased in a dense, self-righteous, uninformed fog.

Somewhere I read that the show's creators spent seven years writing and producing "The Book of Mormon" musical. As I reflected on all that time spent on such a shallow and unimpressive pursuit, I also wondered what was really going on with the THE CHURCH OF JESUS CHRIST OF LATTER-DAY SAINTS in Africa during those same seven years.

So I checked.

• The sister missionaries have helped to eliminate poverty by teaching thousands of African women to tie quilts and sew denim jumpers.
• The elders have combated hunger by introducing millions of Africans to the amazing shelf life of Jell-O.
• Then, of course, there is the tragedy of AIDS. A couple of weeks ago I sat next to a guy at my ward potluck who went to Africa in 1984 and saw a bunch of people with AIDS and described it as "horrific." The guy, a Mormon, knows all about AIDS, and that it is "horrific."
• I couldn't find anything on the genital mutilation and other horrors.

Meanwhile, what of those thousands of remarkable Mormon missionaries who opted to serve while their selfish peers were finishing their educations, having too much fun, and writing hit musicals? Last week I spoke with BYU sophomore Carl Madsen, who recently returned from the Uganda Kampala Mission.

"I have African flags all over my dorm room," said Madsen. "And I get super-excited now when I go to the zoo."

Intent on spreading the truth about THE CHURCH OF JESUS CHRIST OF LATTER-DAY SAINTS, the talented young Madsen has composed an opera based on his experience in Africa.

"The musical score is way complex," he explained. "But the libido is really uplifting, and the chorus line of singing giraffes are a total show stopper."

The production is set to premiere next month in the de Jong Concert Hall.

Frankly, I am surprised that so many critics claim to have liked the "Book of Mormon" musical. I hated it -- and I haven't even seen it!

Fortunately there are a few sane voices who panned the show: The Wall Street Journal, a Jewish guy named Levi, and a certain prominent New Yorker:

"I always said the worst musical was 'Frankenstein -- It's Alive! It's Alive!!!' Guess what? 'Frankenstein' goes to second place. 'The Book of Mormon' is the worst musical ever. In the history of  Broadway, 'The Book of Mormon' is number one." 

As a humble member of THE CHURCH OF JESUS CHRIST OF LATTER-DAY SAINTS I urge my fellow church members to ignore our persecutors, take solace in the words of the precious few who know of our good works, and by all means do not go see the "Book of Mormon" musical.

"I am the un-ordained Mormon prophet!" 

If you would like to stop receiving these emails, we'll assume you're one of those thin-skinned, defensive, self-important, mean spirited members who's always choosing to be offended.