Wednesday, April 13, 2011

The Three Nephites Shape History

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: Brother Sid Dooley, Ward Spiritual Giant
Subject: The Three Nephites: A Historical Perspective

Faithful Mormons have long been grateful for the Three Nephites, that selfless trio from the Book of Mormon who begged the Lord to let them tarry on the earth in order to help the faithful. We've heard countless stories about the mysterious stranger who helped elderly Brother So-and-So load his LDS scripture software, or stopped a gang of thugs from meddling with a BYU coed.

But the Mormons aren't their only charges. The Three Nephites have labored the entire globe, tirelessly doing the Lord's work. Sometimes right under our noses. For example, next time you see that picture of Bill Clinton shaking President Kennedy's hand, take a good look the guy to the right of the future president. Then compare him to the guy next to Stu Sutcliffe on the cover of Sergeant Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band. Coincidence? I think not.

Over the years the Three Nephites have moved seamlessly in and out of LDS and Gentile society, molding the Saints into the superior culture God destined us to become, and preparing the world for its eventual conversion to Mormonism. After careful research, I have come to conclude the Three Nephites might have been with Abraham Lincoln for his Second Inaugural Address, probably were at the Rathaus Schoneberg for Kennedy's "Ich bin ein Berliner" speech, and definitely were with Sarah Palin during her Katie Couric interview. 

There have also been noticeable lapses in their influence. For instance, in the early 1970's, when in a dyslexic moment one of the Nephites misread a box marked LSD and was subsequently incapacitated. Likewise in 1995 when they were all left stranded during the government shutdown. More recently in 2008, when two of the three took time off for a stint on Dancing With The Stars. These ill-timed absences may explain the emergence of Earth Shoes, the Macarena, and Joe the Plumber.

Late one night I was driving along a stretch of deserted highway, when one of my tires hit an unidentifiable object. I pulled off the road to find it completely flattened. It was dark and cold, and I had no car jack in my truck. Then out of nowhere three men appeared on foot, one with a jack in hand. At once I recognized them as the Three Nephites.

"Brothers Nephite," I said. "The Lord alerted you to my distress and you have come to my rescue."

Their blue eyes glinted, and one pointed to a spot across the highway.

"Stand over there," he said, "and you won't get hurt."

I obeyed, then watched in silence as the three effortlessly switched out my flat for my spare. Then they smiled, gave me a wave, climbed into my truck, and drove off. 

No doubt to help another in need.

I walked back to town thanking God for The Three Nephites ... also for my LDS State Farm agent.

If you would like to stop receiving these e-mails, be prepared to either join AAA or pay for a tow truck.


  1. *Choking on my biscotti*

    You had me persuaded when you mentioned Sarah Palin's interview with Katie Couric. No doubt they've also helped Palin develop her foreign policy while protecting Alaska from a Russian invasion.

  2. Right CD, also her recent Mid-East policy.

  3. If the Nephites are so beneficent, where were they when we endured the agony of grunge music back in the 1990s? Or the low-carb diet craze? Or eight years of W.?

  4. My guess is, Ahab, those a**holes facilitated all those rather prominent boils on the ass of American history and culture.

  5. Thanks Macha! Ahab, cd makes a good point. Also they spend most of their time on interstates.

  6. Bwahahaha!

    I think they were in our old ward.

  7. Awesome sandi! I'll bet you didn't need auto insurance. ;)

  8. Donna, you made me laugh out loud. The instant I saw all your pics I knew I was in for a funny post. ~Russo @

  9. Thanks Russo -- as you know I have great material.

  10. Not only did i not need car insurance, Donna, but my hemorrhoids didn't flare up even once! Damn, i miss those Nephites.