Saturday, April 2, 2011

Pssst ... Are You Bored Yet?

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: Donna Banta
Subject: Is it just me -- or are the GA's a little boring?

This weekend the members of the Abbottsville Fourth Ward may choose between attending the post-Mormon party at the San Francisco Ferry Building, or watching the 181st Semi-Annual General Conference of the LDS Church. I've provided the following aptitude test to help you decide.

Answer each question in a way that best describes yourself.

1. I like to look at:
a. the dazzling San Francisco skyline with its unique architecture and diverse cultural offerings.
b. a room full of Mormons.

2. On the weekend I like to relax by:
a. sipping a margarita from Mijita and talking with nice people who want to be my friends.
b. sipping Kool-Aid from Costco and listening to garrulous old coots who want me to pay my tithing.

3. I like to hear:
a. real life stories about people who are struggling in this tough economy.
b. bullshit stories about characters like Sister Sweet, the stay at home mom who survived her husband's unemployment by gathering nuts and berries for food, spinning thread out of dog hair to make clothing, and doing her visiting teaching.

4. I like mixing with:
a. feminists, gays, and intellectuals.
b. creepy old men who are obsessed with porn.

5. I want to associate with:
a. people who want me to be myself.
b. people who want to pick out my underwear.

6. I like to discuss:
a. art, literature, and film.
b. adultery, porn, and masturbation.

7. I take the advice of:
a. people who believe in the "philosophies of men."
b. people who believe that God lives on the planet Kolob with His harem of nubile wives and His fleet of tapir-drawn carriages.

8. I like:
a. laughing at a really good joke.
b. being the joke.

I know Plan 10 is true!

9. This Sunday I would rather:
a. enjoy myself.
b. be bored out of my fucking mind.

Abbottsville Fourth Ward, I urge you to choose A! Come to the Ferry Buiding! 

(You know you want to.)


  1. Okay, I seriously just laughed *my* ass off. I had to read it to Mike so we could laugh together. BTW, I think I may have met Sister Sweet once upon a time ... lol.

  2. Ah yes, good old Sister Sweet. She also goes by "Name Withheld."

  3. I wish I could be there! Instead I'm locked in the hell they call Zion...

  4. Perfect. The SF Ferry Building is one of my very favorite places in the world. Too bad I'm stuck in SLC with the masturbation-obsessed, gay-bashing old guys.

  5. JZ and Ann-Michelle I wish you could be here instead!! Time to crack open your ex-Mormon 72 hour kits -- a case of your beverage of choice, Ben & Jerry's ice cream and 3 days worth of South Park episodes.

    Hang in there!

  6. Someone rescue Zena already!!! where's Hercules when you need him?!

  7. on #6, I chose b, but not for the same reasons as the GA's. ;-)

  8. M, I worry about Zena too, and Carla, I think we're on the same page. ;-)

  9. Aye, I'd rather be with feminists, gays, and intellectuals than creepy old men obsessed with porn any day.

  10. @Ahab, since I know you prefer feminists, gays, and intellectuals, I am amazed at how many "rooms full of Mormons" and the like you spend your weekends with. I know it's for research, but still, you are a trooper!