From: Bishop Paul Zimmerman
Subject: Mother's Day Program
This Sunday we pay tribute to Motherhood, the most important role in the entire universe. Because of the extreme urgency of the message, this special service was planned carefully in advance, then vetted and approved by the Bishop, the Stake President, the Church Correlation Committee, the General Authorities, the Romney Campaign, and God.
Attendance is mandatory.
Below is an outline of the program along with approved excerpts from the talks:
"The 2,000 stripling warriors in the Book of Mormon valiantly fought a fierce battle against a savage hoard and emerged unscathed. When asked how they managed to endure such a chaotic blood bath, they thanked their mothers for the atmosphere they created in their homes. Our moms must keep house just like theirs did. Otherwise none of us would have survived Blazer Day Camp."
"Mothers who know have children. I mean, like, they sort of have to. Or else they can't exactly call themselves mothers. At least not ones who know. Can they?"
Mothers of 5 or more children who have served missions and married in the temple:
Mothers of less than 5 children who have served missions and married in the temple:
Young mothers who are raising their children to serve missions and marry in the temple:
Mothers of less valiant children:
Working and/or single moms:
Sisters who aren't mothers:
If you would like to stop receiving these e-mails, we'll send the Aaronic Priesthood over with the surplus manure.