Brace Yourselves Sisters -- It's Mother's Day Again!

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: Bishop Paul Zimmerman
Subject: Mother's Day Program

This Sunday we pay tribute to Motherhood, the most important role in the entire universe. Because of the extreme urgency of the message, this special service was planned carefully in advance, then vetted and approved by the Bishop, the Stake President, the Church Correlation Committee, the General Authorities, the Romney Campaign, and God.

Attendance is mandatory.

Below is an outline of the program along with approved excerpts from the talks:

Sacrament Meeting

Presiding: Bishop Paul Zimmerman

Abbottsville Fourth Ward -- Mother's Day Service

Conducting: Bishop Zimmerman

Pianist: Sister Peterson

Music Director: Brother Souter

Opening Hymn: #323 Rise Up, O Men of God

Opening Prayer: Brother Spencer

Ward Business: Bishop Zimmerman

Sacrament Hymn: #171 With Humble Heart

Administration of the Sacrament by the Aaronic Priesthood

Youth Speaker: Sam Renfro -- "How Our Mothers Prepare us for the Holy Priesthood."

"The 2,000 stripling warriors in the Book of Mormon valiantly fought a fierce battle against a savage hoard and emerged unscathed. When asked how they managed to endure such a chaotic blood bath, they thanked their mothers for the atmosphere they created in their homes. Our moms must keep house just like theirs did. Otherwise none of us would have survived Blazer Day Camp."

Speaker: Sister Fiona Harold -- "Mothers Who Know."

"Mothers who know have children. I mean, like, they sort of have to. Or else they can't exactly call themselves mothers. At least not ones who know. Can they?" 

Special Musical Number: Fourth Ward Men's Choir -- Praise to the Man

Speaker: Brother G. Rulon Hunsucker -- "Wife - Mother - CEO."

"Under the direction of her husband, a Mother in Zion leads a great and eternal organization. She has every reason to call herself a CEO, and receive all of the benefits that accompany the title, with the exception of a paycheck, an office, employees, an expense account, a custodial staff, paid vacation, a lunch hour, and any authority whatsoever."  

Closing Hymn: #292 O My Father

Benediction: Brother Bromley

Afterward the Aaronic Priesthood will distribute the following gifts accordingly:

Mothers of 5 or more children who have served missions and married in the temple:

 Ten gallon rose bush.

Mothers of less than 5 children who have served missions and married in the temple:

 Five gallon rose bush.

Young mothers who are raising their children to serve missions and marry in the temple:

 One gallon rose bush.

Mothers of less valiant children:

 Bare root rose.

Working and/or single moms:

 Seed packet.

Sisters who aren't mothers:

 A bag of manure. 

Upon completion of the distribution of gifts, ward members are released to the Cultural Hall for a four course Mother's Day feast, prepared and served by the Relief Society.

If you would like to stop receiving these e-mails, we'll send the Aaronic Priesthood over with the surplus manure.