Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Brace Yourselves Sisters -- It's Mother's Day Again!

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: Bishop Paul Zimmerman
Subject: Mother's Day Program

This Sunday we pay tribute to Motherhood, the most important role in the entire universe. Because of the extreme urgency of the message, this special service was planned carefully in advance, then vetted and approved by the Bishop, the Stake President, the Church Correlation Committee, the General Authorities, the Romney Campaign, and God.

Attendance is mandatory.

Below is an outline of the program along with approved excerpts from the talks:

Sacrament Meeting
Presiding: Bishop Paul Zimmerman
Abbottsville Fourth Ward -- Mother's Day Service

Conducting: Bishop Zimmerman
Pianist: Sister Peterson
Music Director: Brother Souter

Opening Hymn: #323 Rise Up, O Men of God
Opening Prayer: Brother Spencer

Ward Business: Bishop Zimmerman

Sacrament Hymn: #171 With Humble Heart
Administration of the Sacrament by the Aaronic Priesthood

Youth Speaker: Sam Renfro -- "How Our Mothers Prepare us for the Holy Priesthood."
"The 2,000 stripling warriors in the Book of Mormon valiantly fought a fierce battle against a savage hoard and emerged unscathed. When asked how they managed to endure such a chaotic blood bath, they thanked their mothers for the atmosphere they created in their homes. Our moms must keep house just like theirs did. Otherwise none of us would have survived Blazer Day Camp."

Speaker: Sister Fiona Harold -- "Mothers Who Know."
"Mothers who know have children. I mean, like, they sort of have to. Or else they can't exactly call themselves mothers. At least not ones who know. Can they?" 
Special Musical Number: Fourth Ward Men's Choir -- Praise to the Man

Speaker: Brother G. Rulon Hunsucker -- "Wife - Mother - CEO."
"Under the direction of her husband, a Mother in Zion leads a great and eternal organization. She has every reason to call herself a CEO, and receive all of the benefits that accompany the title, with the exception of a paycheck, an office, employees, an expense account, a custodial staff, paid vacation, a lunch hour, and any authority whatsoever."  

Closing Hymn: #292 O My Father

Benediction: Brother Bromley

Afterward the Aaronic Priesthood will distribute the following gifts accordingly:
Mothers of 5 or more children who have served missions and married in the temple:
 Ten gallon rose bush.
Mothers of less than 5 children who have served missions and married in the temple:
 Five gallon rose bush.
Young mothers who are raising their children to serve missions and marry in the temple:
 One gallon rose bush.
Mothers of less valiant children:
 Bare root rose.
Working and/or single moms:
 Seed packet.
Sisters who aren't mothers:
 A bag of manure

Upon completion of the distribution of gifts, ward members are released to the Cultural Hall for a four course Mother's Day feast, prepared and served by the Relief Society.

If you would like to stop receiving these e-mails, we'll send the Aaronic Priesthood over with the surplus manure.


  1. Blech! Mother's Day at church has got to be on my Top Ten list of Things I Don't Miss!

  2. I hate Mother's Day and most of it can be blamed on stupid-ass church programs like this. Love the song choices, btw.

  3. OMG, the Mother's Day Sacrament Meeting was akin to torture. In fact I think I went a little easy on them. Thanks Leah and JZ for reading and commenting. I hope I didn't traumatize you.

  4. in my last years in the church, part of my mother's day wishes were to stay the hell away from sacrament meeting.

    you pretty much nailed it.

  5. I was wondering what you'd do for mothers day- very funny post. Oh, the mothers day traditions, my fave was the lil potted flower I used to get after the meeting. Two years, all we got were a packet of seeds. Budget cuts?

  6. Mother's Day in Mormonism sucks ass. The annual tortuous sacrament meeting should be called, "The Sure Sign of the Nail" and all women should be allowed to eat marijuana brownies before and during just to make it bearable.

    Hilarious. I love the breakdown on the gifts - from roses to manure. So appropriate. Oh and of course the RS would prepare the Mother's Day meal. Awesome.

  7. @Lisa, you and me both. Hey when are you guys coming to the Ferry Bldg. for another Fast Sunday?

    Russo, thanks. I love how the bishop would say, "All the mothers stand to receive your gift ... Oh! and also all of the future mothers."

    Thanks CD. God I wish I'd thought of the marijuana brownies. "The Sure Sign of the Nail" -- hilarious.

  8. I'm sure the mothers in the audience didn't know whether to laugh or cry during this patriarchal torture session.

  9. Ahab, either they're bolstered by prozac, or have resorted to CD's marijuana brownies.

  10. i always look forward to your mother's day posts! love it. you, as always, are spot on!

  11. Donna: Well, school's coming to an end here in a week and a half (at which point i will drop and sleep for another week), AND i want to take a long vacation to SF this summer for our anniversary (haven't told Eric yet, ahem) so.

    Maybe this summer? Trust me I'd love to come, especially now that it's getting effing hot again. The kids have swim lessons this june, so July maybe? gawd I'm terrible at this.

    As for MD at church, I'd go back for some hash brownies. Eff the flowers. I kill those in a week anyways.

  12. Sarah, THANKS!

    Lisa, hope to see you soon, and have an awesome Mothers Day!

  13. the best is when they make mother's speak about mother's day ON mother's day. best. mother's. day. gift. ever.

  14. @Emily, well said. A TBM woman needs to understand that in the LDS Church Mothers Day is about one thing -- Patriarchy.

  15. I loved that the Mother's Day lunch was to be served by the Relief Society! LOLOLOL!!! I remember one Sunday years' back, the Relief Society lesson was on Christ's Millennial Rule and Reign, one sister dreamily asked "I wonder what we'll be doing during that wonderful time?" and without missing a beat a crotchety old tell-it-like-it-is sister muttered "We'll probably be serving refreshments."

  16. Very funny!! Really brought back some memories. Love the breakdown on gifts... and of course, that last line, "If you would like to stop receiving these e-mails, we'll send the Aaronic Priesthood over with the surplus manure." Classic!!

  17. Thanks Diane. It's great that we can now laugh about it, don't you think?

  18. You nailed it. Mother's Day at church was an exercise in holding two contradictory ideas in one's head without letting it explode. I especially don't miss how much my eyes hurt from rolling them so much.

  19. Thanks, Robin. You nailed it too.