Abbottsville 4th Prepares for Post Dehlin Excommunication Riots

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: Brother J. "Bull" Barton, Ward Preparedness Specialist
Subject: Ward Preparedness Update

In preparation for John Dehlin's disciplinary council this Sunday, I am increasing the Ward Threat Level to RED.

I have never met Dehlin personally, visited his website, or viewed any of his Mormon Stories podcasts.

However, according to my research, Mormon Stories is a forum where disgruntled anti-Mormons promote their evil agenda of gay marriage, Ordain Women, evolution, so-called "life after Mormonism," mito-something-or-other DNA, and other whiny, subversive nonsense that only serves to undermine the straight, white patriarchal way of life the Brethren insist we know and love.

In the event of this Tool of Satan's excommunication, and the inevitable rioting that will follow, all ward members are advised to lock your doors, board up your windows and brace yourselves for the onslaught of blood-thirsty feminists, gays, and intellectuals intent on their usual mischief: looting, murdering, masturbating, and boasting about "life after Mormonism."

As always, every ward member should have on hand a 1 year supply of food, a hazmat suit, at least 2 handguns, 4 rolls of duct tape, and a gallon of consecrated oil. Also scriptures, the Ensign, dominoes, Yahtzee!, Twister, and other diversions to help kill time in the bunker.

In the event that John Dehlin is not excommunicated or disfellowshipped this Sunday, all ward members are instructed to abort the above mission and the Relief Society is ordered to bake Brother Dehlin some cookies.

This concludes this Ward Preparedness Update.

If you would like to stop receiving these emails we'll assume you're silly enough to believe there is such a thing as "life after Mormonism."

--Also congratulations to X-Mormon of the Year 2014, Kate Kelly! And there's still time to nominate your favorite Mormon-themed blogs for a Brodie Award.

There's Nothing Fun About Sex!

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: J. "Bull" Barton, Ward Preparedness Specialist
Subject: Sex is not for fun!

Thanks to Tea Party activist, Jerome Corsi, I have decided to lower the ward threat level to orange. A nonmember, but nevertheless a champion of traditional marriage, Corsi made the following inspired observation before a conservative gathering in Oregon:

“If you want to have fun, read a book, go to a movie. Sex is about the procreation of children. It’s a sacred responsibility that is meant by God to have men and women commit their lifetime to children.”

As members of the one and only true church, we have always known there are plenty of things that are funner than sex. Recently, the Brethren compiled a list of alternative activities. Here is an excerpt:

Church Approved Alternatives to Sex

1. Read a book
2. Watch a movie
3. Tinker in your garage
4. Macrame
5. Rearrange the furniture
6. Take pictures of old barns
7. Watch FOXNews
8. Whittle
9. Tend your bonsai
10. Pay your tithing
11. Eat prunes
12. Complete a jigsaw puzzle
13. Scrapbook
14. Watch General Conference
15. Yahtzee!

The complete list is available as a 175 MB PDF file and may be downloaded off the church website.

This concludes this ward preparedness update.

If you would like to stop receiving these emails, we suggest you get out a jigsaw puzzle.