Friday, January 23, 2015

Abbottsville 4th Prepares for Post Dehlin Excommunication Riots

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: Brother J. "Bull" Barton, Ward Preparedness Specialist
Subject: Ward Preparedness Update

In preparation for John Dehlin's disciplinary council this Sunday, I am increasing the Ward Threat Level to RED.

I have never met Dehlin personally, visited his website, or viewed any of his Mormon Stories podcasts.

However, according to my research, Mormon Stories is a forum where disgruntled anti-Mormons promote their evil agenda of gay marriage, Ordain Women, evolution, so-called "life after Mormonism," mito-something-or-other DNA, and other whiny, subversive nonsense that only serves to undermine the straight, white patriarchal way of life the Brethren insist we know and love.

In the event of this Tool of Satan's excommunication, and the inevitable rioting that will follow, all ward members are advised to lock your doors, board up your windows and brace yourselves for the onslaught of blood-thirsty feminists, gays, and intellectuals intent on their usual mischief: looting, murdering, masturbating, and boasting about "life after Mormonism."

As always, every ward member should have on hand a 1 year supply of food, a hazmat suit, at least 2 handguns, 4 rolls of duct tape, and a gallon of consecrated oil. Also scriptures, the Ensign, dominoes, Yahtzee!, Twister, and other diversions to help kill time in the bunker.

In the event that John Dehlin is not excommunicated or disfellowshipped this Sunday, all ward members are instructed to abort the above mission and the Relief Society is ordered to bake Brother Dehlin some cookies.

This concludes this Ward Preparedness Update.

If you would like to stop receiving these emails we'll assume you're silly enough to believe there is such a thing as "life after Mormonism."

--Also congratulations to X-Mormon of the Year 2014, Kate Kelly! And there's still time to nominate your favorite Mormon-themed blogs for a Brodie Award.

14 comments:

  1. Mito-something-or-other-DNA-- That's the worst!

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  2. Another uprising of savage feminists, gays, and intellectuals? Why doesn't anything fun ever happen in my region?

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    1. Ahab, you could organize one of your own. :)

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  3. I'll bring Pictionary and Solitaire- oh wait. No face cards right?

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    1. Thanks Heather! But switch out an Old Maid deck for the solitaire--and no dirty Pictionary-ing.

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  4. Very funny Donna! Has to have an element of truth in it to be funny right? But truthfully, most members have no idea who John Dehlin is, what Mormon stories is, and that there is a high media profile excommunication in the works. That's how I was, didn't have a clue. It really is amazing how in the dark the church is able to keep its members. Well, I guess it's not too hard, there are so many things on that Mormon "to do" list everyday that it's no wonder nobody knows anything outside of their Mormon callings, scripture study, visiting teaching, family night, feeding the missionaries, going to the temple, family history. Makes me tired just typing it out. And to think I used to do all that!

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    1. I hear you Debbie. They kept us too busy to think. Also we knew better than to read "anti-Mormon literature." You know, like the New York Times?!

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  5. My money says he'll be excommunicated. Otherwise they'll look like the sexist assholes they are for ex-ing Kate Kelly. And we all know how important appearances are.

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    1. True, appearances are crucial in the minds of the LDS patriarchy--and that's a problem for them, 'cause they pretty much always look like sexist assholes. Because they are sexist assholes. Not sure what they can do about that. Maybe start wearing flashy neckties?

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  6. Cookies make everything better!

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  7. Donna, the threat level of RED and the possibility of rioting have me fearing for my life as well as for my very soul. I initially believed the SF Bay to be a large enough barrier to protect me from the zealots in Abbotsville and its surrounding areas, but I'm beginning to doubt my complacency. (Doubt your DOUBTS, not your complacency.). Just to be safe, I may have my condo exorcised by a priest. Would you recommend a Catholic,, an LDS (my brother has been ordained to the office of deacon despite never having been baptized, LDS-style, but I'm not placing my salvation in the hands of any exorcism performed by anyone so Mickey-Mouse as an LDS deacon), or a Wiccan, or none of the above? The advantage to an LDS priest is that he can be even younger than I, and I could have the fun of playing the role of cougar and seductress to a younger man once the condo has been freed of demons and other evil influences.

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    1. Go with the LDS priest. If you're lucky he'll get his mom to bake you cookies to enjoy after your little role playing scenario. :)

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