Friday, January 9, 2015

Salt Lake Temple Square Police Blotter

Crime Report - Salt Lake Temple Square
Salt Lake News--Published January 9, 2015

01/08/15 @ 13:47
Location: South Visitors Center
Details: Man carrying a ukelele reported acting erratically.

Criminal Mischief
01/08/15 @ 10:52
Location: Legacy Theater
Details: Giggling reported during a screening of Joseph Smith: Prophet of the Restoration.

01/07/15 @ 15:19
Location: LDS Church Office Building
Details: Man reported to have taken an excessive amount of paper towels from a receptacle in the first floor lavatory.

Indecent Exposure
01/07/15 @ 12:02
Location: Lion House
Details: Woman entered premises wearing patterned tights under her dress.

01/06/15 @ 11:16
Location: Salt Lake Temple, East Entrance
Details: Man attempted to gain access using his American Express Gold Card.

Sex Offense
01/06/15 @ 9:38
Location: Nauvoo Cafe
Details: Woman reported to be overly aroused while consuming an extra large jelly roll.

01/05/15 @ 17:06
Location: Parking Garage
Details: Woman on foot reported cutting across some empty parking slots marked, "Brethren Only."

01/05/15 @ 13:37
Location: The Roof Restaurant
Details: Man reported to be consuming illegal substance. Turned out to be a Tic Tac.

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  1. And I highly suspect those Elders who take their wives out to Chuck-A-Rama after temple date night are not putting rootbeer in those red plastic cups but imbibing in actual caffeinated soda and pretending its rootbeer. So shameful. And the sisters going to Starbucks and ordering hot chocolate or pumpkin spiced cider are just tempting fate. It's a slippery slope when you think you can fool the Lord.

    1. There are indeed an alarming number of drug offenses on Temple Square!

  2. :: stands in front of temple chugging a latte ::


  3. A few years ago my husband and I were in SLC for an anniversary overnight-er. We decided to visit Temple Square, just to see how it was on this side of un-faith. I have a nose ring and wondered if that was going to be an issue. We visited a few of the buildings and not a single missionary approached us. Plenty looked, but none approached. I kinda wish they had. And I kinda wished I'd taken a latte in with me too.

  4. Ahab and Heather, I'd pay big money to visit TS with you both. On one of my recent visits I saw 2 security guys approach a shaggy man who had begun to play his guitar. Before they could stop him, they got calls on their radios. Then all of a sudden, they left the guy and started to run. Soon I saw more, literally of mob of security joining them, all of them aimed to the opposite side of the square. Can't imagine what it could have been. A couple of gay guys kissing maybe.

  5. They all need to be locked up! The only way this will stop is to start having mandatory death penalty for parking violations. We'll show those scofflaws!
    Is farting allowed in Temple Square?

    1. I would think farting would have to be allowed, what with all the gasbags there.

  6. Drugs, especially highly addictive narcotics, are only a problem if those who imbibe don't have a prescription. Otherwise, they're ubiquitous around Temple Square and totally Mormon kosher.

  7. Wonder what might happen if you spit your horehound candy out of your mouth at the Lion House. (I kind of like horehound candy so I wouldn't know firsthand).

    My daughter got an honor codes violation at BYU-HI because her armpits were showing. I was so proud. :)

  8. AT, indeed. If that Tic Tac had been an anti-depressant it would have never looked suspicious.

    JJ, armpits?! How indecent. (snort)

  9. This is satire, right?

    If not, the guy who took excessive [paper?] towels from the first floor lavatory was probably my Uncle Mahonri. If such is indeed the case, I wonder how the church feels about it now that he's stealing from them rather than from a private entity. They were quick to write it off to stress (he has a job with the CES) when he was caught purloining the disposable douches from the loading zone of a big box store in either northern Utah or southern Salt Lake County. I'll have to infiltrate the family grapevine to see if Mahonri has been caught stealing paper towels. it totally fits his standard m.o.

    I wear patterned tights semi-regularly. I suppose it makes me some sort of Jezebel. I have a family picture of my father's uber-Mormon family beforre some of the youngest offspring had reached the age of majority. it looks as though several of the girls are wearing some sort of patterned tights. They'd just moved from Florida to Utah and couldn't brave the winter weather in dresses without tights. Even my grandmother wore two pairs of nylons simultaneously when dresses were required attire.

    1. Stealing from a big box store can be written off as stress related. But stealing from the COB is indeed a crime. I, however, are thankful for guys like your Uncle Mahonri for being subjects for my blog posts. However, that probably means this blog is more non-fiction than satire.

      Keep wearing those patterned tights!