Thursday, September 12, 2013

There's Nothing Fun About Sex!

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: J. "Bull" Barton, Ward Preparedness Specialist
Subject: Sex is not for fun!

Thanks to Tea Party activist, Jerome Corsi, I have decided to lower the ward threat level to orange. A nonmember, but nevertheless a champion of traditional marriage, Corsi made the following inspired observation before a conservative gathering in Oregon:

“If you want to have fun, read a book, go to a movie. Sex is about the procreation of children. It’s a sacred responsibility that is meant by God to have men and women commit their lifetime to children.”

As members of the one and only true church, we have always known there are plenty of things that are funner than sex. Recently, the Brethren compiled a list of alternative activities. Here is an excerpt:

Church Approved Alternatives to Sex

  1. Read a book
  2. Watch a movie
  3. Tinker in your garage
  4. Macrame
  5. Rearrange the furniture
  6. Take pictures of old barns
  7. Watch FOXNews
  8. Whittle
  9. Tend your bonsai
  10. Pay your tithing
  11. Eat prunes
  12. Complete a jigsaw puzzle
  13. Scrapbook
  14. Watch General Conference
  15. Yahtzee!
The complete list is available as a 175 MB PDF file and may be downloaded off the church website.

This concludes this ward preparedness update.

If you would like to stop receiving these emails, we suggest you get out a jigsaw puzzle.


  1. I'm still stunned by Corsi's remark. If a couple doesn't find lovemaking fun, they're doing it wrong.

  2. He made so many stupid remarks. The only people more ridiculous than Corsi are the fools who believe him. (Of which there are many.)

    Here's another super important quote from Corsi:
    “Remember, Obama has been running for president his whole life...He was picked by the far left, by Alexrod...He was picked by the communists to be the next guy...You know, he was mostly smoking dope his whole life and he didn’t need to read anything except out of a teleprompter.”

    1. Wow, he is way deep. And a great judge of character. You can tell he doesn't need a teleprompter.

    2. His eighteen-year-old mother went to the trouble of having his birth announced as being in a Honolulu (Kapiolani, i think) in not just one, but TWO major Hawaii newspapers, even though he was actually born in Kenya, as any good birther with half a brain [half a brain is all any birther has, anyway]could tell you. If you search the Old and New Testaments, the Book of Mormon, McConkie's Mormon Doctrine (which is why LDS inc. no longer publishes it and tries to pretend it nevee existed) the Koran, and the Hare Krishna book (sorry but I don't remember what it's called) the signs are in there that Mr. Prez's election was foreordained.

    3. in a Honolulu HOSPITAL; sorry for the omission

    4. Arguing with birthers and the like is an utter waste of time, they know what they know.

  3. Excuse me while I go tend my bonsai. :)

  4. I think I'd rather do a jigsaw puzzle than have sex, but then, my hormones are barely kicking in.
    Show me the same listin a year and I would probably find it hysterically funny.

    1. Jigsaw puzzles are fun. But not in the same way. :)

  5. I don't see how these are all ALTERNATIVES to sex. I think plenty of these can be incorporated into your sex life. Think how much fun it would be to combine sex and macrame. I think I see my mistake.