Friday, April 12, 2013

Boyd K. Packer Rewrites The Beatitudes

To: Abbottsville Stake
From: Mitchell Knightly, President of the Abbottsville Stake
Subject: Matthew 5:3-12 -- the inspired version

Dear Abbottsville Stake,

Recently, the alarming display of tolerance toward same-sex marriage coupled with the unprecedented militaristic feminism displayed by a radical fringe in the Relief Society, inspired President Boyd K. Packer to declare in General Conference last weekend that tolerance can be a vice. As a follow up to that pivotal address, President Packer has taken it upon himself to rewrite the Beatitudes from Jesus' famous Sermon on the Mount, so that they may be of more use to church members today, as well as to future General Conference attendees and viewers.
  • Blessed are the straight white men:  for theirs is the stand at General Conference.
  • Blessed are those who must be celibate: for they may find their only fulfillment in General Conference.
  • Blessed are the women who know their place: for they might be allowed to pray in General Conference.
  • Blessed are the people of color: for they shall be made pure and delightsome; until then, they may sing in the choir at General Conference--in camera-friendly positions.
  • Blessed are those who are cheerful, empty-minded and of good pedigree: for they shall fill the front rows of General Conference.
  • Blessed are the obedient: for a few of them might get tickets to General Conference.
  • Blessed are the righteous and narrow-minded who are persecuted for intolerance's sake: for theirs is the pulpit in General Conference.
  • Blessed are ye, when feminists shall revile you, and gays shall persecute you, and intellectuals shall say all manner of evil against you falsely, for my sake. Rejoice, and be exceeding glad: for great is your reward in General Conference: for so persecuted they, the other old white men, which were before you.
If you would like to stop receiving these emails, we'll forward you President Packer's entire list of the individuals he can not tolerate--condensed into a 175MB PDF file.


  1. Jeebus would roll over in his grave. Oh, maybe I should rephrase that.

  2. @Jono, I don't think he'd feel very welcome at General Conference. ;)

  3. Uh-oh, do you think he reads my blog? lol

  4. Very funny. I love the way your mind works.

  5. Diane, he's such an easy target--almost too easy.

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  7. This is awesome!

    I'd love to read a Boyd K. Packer Translation of the Bible JS-style. I think he might change Jesus' line about "making you fishers of men" because it sounds too gay.

  8. Alex -- They might also edit out Judas kissing Jesus on the cheek when he betrayed him. Too homoerotic.

    Donna, another great post!

  9. @Taco Tales, come back--and don't be shy.

    @Alex and Ahab, I'd no idea the bible was so GAY! Mormons and other fundies need to get on that!

    Thanks to you both for your kind words.