Thursday, April 25, 2013

A-4 Cracks Down On Tolerance Crimes

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: J. "Bull" Barton, Ward Preparedness Specialist
Subject: Ward Preparedness Update

Because of Boyd K. Packer's recent revision of the Beatitudes, as well as a local increase in tolerance chatter, I have decided to raise the ward threat level to RED.

Originally a Utah phenomenon, a growing number of tolerance groups have formed in the outlying wards and stakes throughout the mission field, including here in Abbottsville. Bent on forcing their tolerance agenda on faithful Latter-day Saints, these tolerance cells are capable of all forms of tolerant crimes and mischief. I advise all ward members to remain calm, be vigilant, and report all acts of tolerance.

My newly expanded Ward Preparedness team has been hard at work monitoring ward telephone lines, members' emails, and local LDS chat rooms. Over the past 24 hours, we've detected a shocking number of tolerant-leaning chatter. Here are some of the conversational "red flags" we've uncovered:
  • "Shouldn't the job go to the one who's the most qualified?"
  • "Have any new ideas?"
  • "But it's what's inside a person that counts."
  • "It's really none of our business."
  • "Why don't we put it to a vote?"
  • "She makes a lot of sense."
  • "But they love each other."
So far, the individuals guilty of these these suspicious comments have merely been added to a Tolerance Watch List. However, if tolerant activity increases, some may have to be removed from society for treatment, as is the current practice in Utah. The following is an excerpt from a recent in-depth story on the subject from Utah's only source for real news, The Utah Honeypot:
"Two types of treatment are typically the most successful. Tolerance addicts can choose from a fear-based approach that employs mind-altering drugs and intense cable news exposure to drill fear of gays, non-white ethnicities, and political outliers into the minds of patients in order to help them produce automatic fear responses when confronted with people who are different from themselves. This fear should lead to unquantifiable hatred, the hallmark of successful detolerance therapy. -- Those seeking a more holistic approach can work to develop artificial love for people with differing backgrounds which allows them to feel profound pity for anyone who doesn’t yet believe exactly as they do."
In conclusion, from this moment forward, the Abbottsville Fourth Ward will have zero-tolerance for the tolerant.

In addition, I advise all ward members to have on hand the requisite 4 rolls of duct tape, 2 hazmat suits, a gallon jug of consecrated oil, 2 handguns, and scriptures, The Ensign, Twister and Yahtzee! to amuse yourselves in the bunker.

This concludes this Ward Preparedness Update.

If you would like to stop receiving these emails, you're probably an intellectual, a gay person, or one of those women who thinks she makes sense.

Check out my recent post on Ex-Mormon Mavens!


  1. I heard one of my wives talking about being "friends" with someone of the lesbian persuasion. I need to get her shunned before something intolerable happens.

  2. It's a risky business, all of this tolerance going around. Good thing Packer and the Ensign have everything covered.

  3. Jono, get on it asap. And in the future, keep better tabs on all that tolerant chatter amongst your wives!

    pmgirl, thank god for Packer indeed.

  4. Tolerance is a slippery slope. It leads to acceptance, which ultimately engenders open-mindedness and even the iniquitous tendency to think for oneself. It may sound harmless, but we, the enlightened, know better. If God wanted us to think for ourselves, why the hell did he give us Boyd K. Packer?

  5. I wonder if the tolerent are born that way or if it's a choice. Either way it's the act of tolerence that is the sin.

  6. Exactly, Jill. So long as a person doesn't act on his tolerance. Or as Alexis points out, actually thinks for himself! (gasp)

  7. :: spray-paints "God loves the whole world, no exceptions" on the side of a building ::