Friday, April 18, 2014

Sisters Get Crafts in Lieu of Priesthood

LDS Church Invests in Huge Stock of Relief Society Crafting Supplies
The Salt Lake News - published April 18, 2014

In response to recent protests by Mormon feminists, the LDS Church has allocated unlimited funds to the Relief Society for the purchase of crafting supplies.

"Recently some of our women have expressed a misguided desire to receive the priesthood," official church spokesman, T. Delbert Bean remarked in a recent interview. "The Brethren are hoping that an investment in arts and crafts materials will help our beloved sisters return to and find joy in their divine role."

Overall, the effort has been well-received.

"I've been stamping like crazy!" said Sister Wilma Forbes of Burley, Idaho. "And I'm really into glitter. It's just so glamorous. Glitter makes me feel . . . free to be me."

Having just constructed a life-sized papier-mache statue of Joseph Smith for her home's entryway, Phyllis McGee of Farmington, Utah exclaimed, "Next I'm making a bust of Jesus out of dough art. I can't wait to get started."

But not everyone is so enthusiastic.

"This new craft thing is a crock of (expletive deleted),"  Mildred Peabody, a Salt Lake City tax attorney, told The News. "Makes me want to hot glue the First Presidency to a giant flannel board."

Nevertheless, the Brethren insist their efforts are for the good of all the sisters.

"There will always be nay-sayers," Bean admitted. "But, we honestly believe their hearts would soften if they were to devote even one afternoon to making finger puppets."

While the Relief Society crafting program operates under the mantle of the priesthood, the exclusively male leadership has so far offered little oversight.

"We want the sisters to embrace their empowerment," said Jeff Needleman a stake president in Ogden, Utah. "We set up tables in the Cultural Hall, set out the paint, crepe paper, stencils and pipe cleaners, and then let the girls go wild."

And wild they have gone. Sister Christine Gomez of Mesa, Arizona recently completed a floor to ceiling dadaist sculpture out of dryer lint, toilet paper tubes, and recycled sacrament meeting programs.

"Happiness is a warm glue gun," she declared.

--Check out another 5 star review for The Girls from Fourth Ward here!

18 comments:

  1. I think Sister Gomez has waaaaay too much time on her hands and no healthy outlets!

    The thing is, given how condescending LDS leaders are toward women, I can totally see them doing this.

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    1. No kidding. It doesn't get much worse than blocking the women's entrance to the general priesthood meeting with a garbage truck.

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  2. Thank you, Donna, for keeping me halfway sane as I leave the Church. It's just too funny when you think about it, but like Ahab said, don't think too hard or it becomes so close to reality that it hurts.

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    1. Kevin, I hear dough art helps…

      Congrats for moving on from Mormonism and thanks for reading and commenting here!

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  3. "Happiness is a warm glue gun" should be a bumper sticker, along with "Glitter is the Herpes of craft supplies."

    On a more serious note, I have a four-year-old cousin who was having major sinus issues. The cause baffled the specialists, although I could have told them it was something in the house she was inhaling if they'd bothered to ask me. Anyway, the kid had inhaled so much of the lightweight non-metallic glitter that it had formed an impenetrable blockage.in her sinuses that could only be cleared surgically.

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    1. Oh my gosh that is terrible. And no doubt this was because of her mom's penchant for RS crafting. sigh

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  4. Good post Sister Donna. I think I'll add some rhinestones to my wine glasses. Cheers

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    1. Go for it, JJ. Embrace your empowerment!

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  5. Buy them off with toys for distraction! Seriously?!? Maybe a nice needlepoint likeness of the prophets would keep them out of trouble for a while.

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    1. While the above is satire, it's so close to home is maddening.

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  6. I thought maybe they really did that at the latest general conference. Maybe it wouldn't be so surprising if they did.

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  7. First, I hope Sister Peabody uses a hot glue gun for her project. Second, I think the sisters should craft their own sex toys for while their husbands are attending the priesthood session. That would be awesome.

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  8. Maybe the church will take stock in Hobby Lobby, as they both have so much in common. OR the church should start its own craft supply store. Call it Beehive Buttons or something along those lines. =)

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  9. AT, yes the sex toy thing is a must - the closest they'll come to holding the PH. And Heather, what a great suggestion, it would be the perfect addition to the Lord's shopping mall across from the Salt Lake temple!

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    1. Not to mention they'll suddenly find they have no interest in either attending the PH session, holding the PH, or hanging out with their husbands.

      Because obviously.

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    2. No kidding. It's hard for me to understand why they want the magic powers - or the boring meetings in the first place.

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    3. Apparently they can't get enough of the Patriarchy telling them how to live their lives.

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