Thursday, June 9, 2011

London -- The One And Only True Tour

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: Sister Millie Loomis, self-appointed ward media and culture critic
Subject: London Calling

By now you all know that a certain disreputable ex-Mormon blogger recently met her spinster daughter in London for a week of sin.
She's way too old to be having fun!
But you should also know that whilst they were engaging in their wanton revelry, I too was touring London, albeit in a far more reverent (and sober) fashion.
All my life I've wanted to see Merrie Olde England through the protective lens of the LDS Church. So I signed up for the See Zion First tour of London. As usual, it did not disappoint.

Our trip began at the spacious Heathrow Ward Meeting House, with its splendid view of the long-term parking lot. The local saints treated us to an authentic pub dinner of tater-tot shepherd's pie, a pint of Mott's Apple Juice, and sticky toffee Rice Krispie treats. Afterwards, we enjoyed an authentic Shakespearean reading performed by the Deacons Quorum.

The next day we travelled to historic Canterbury. The bus ride over was quite jolly, thanks to a certain sister who entertained us with this faith promoting story:

The Wife of Bountiful's Tale
There once was a young knight who had too much fun with the maidens at his single ward's mix and mingle. At the end he left without even proposing marriage! The next day, the bishop called him into his office.
"Such selfish behaviour can not go unpunished," the bishop told the knight. "However, I will  grant you a reprieve if in the next 24 hours you can find the answer to the question: 
'What do women want?'"
The knight mounted his mighty Schwinn and travelled  to the far reaches of his stake boundaries. Some told him women wanted breast implants, some said they wanted a Shelf Reliant Food Rotation System, and others suggested unlimited access to free quilting patterns. 
The following day the knight returned to his bishop's office in a state of confusion. Just before reaching the door, the bishop's daughter blocked his way, looked deep into his eyes, and told him the correct answer:
Women want to be obedient to their husbands.
The bishop granted his reprieve and the knight married the bishop's daughter. The knight in turn gave his woman exactly what she wanted. Under her husband's command, she cooked, cleaned, mended, gardened, and cheerfully submitted to a nightly schtooping over the back of their chesterfield.  
He lived happily ever after.

The architecture rivals the LA temple
Inspired by the wisdom of the good wife's story, we arrived at the stately cathedral just as a worship service was about to commence. Our tour guide seemed to think our timing was extremely fortunate, and actually suggested we attend. I grudgingly went along, not because I wanted to, but because as a representative of the one and only true church, I felt obligated to exemplify the open-minded and ecumenical philosophy that Latter-day Saints have long embraced. 

Only their so-called worship was intolerable.

Don't get me wrong. Being LDS, I knew better than to expect their choir and organ to match those in our Tabernacle. But I certainly wasn't prepared to see crucifixes, women in trousers, pictures of Jesus without his garments, lady priests, and other hateful things like candles!
Non-members are so disrespectful

I walked out.

 Thankfully, this unfortunate experience served as a wake-up call. From then on, we stuck to the appropriate schedule.

Our destinations were either the church or like-minded places compatible with Mormon culture and doctrine -- such as the wax museum and Ripley's Believe it or Not.

We even made a few bob on the side.

On our final day in London, Brother Hyde graciously took us on a motor tour of the city in his Fish and Chips cart. 

Thanks to the dear brother, we whizzed by it all -- without ever having to mix with London's non-member community!
At the end of the tour we said tearful good-byes to our British brothers and sisters, then boarded the plane for America. Not a one of us slept on that flight, as we were too busy reminiscing about the sights we saw, the diverse group of church members we met, the food we enjoyed, and the wonderful time we had thanks to LDS owned See Zion First.

After all, only the church could send us on a trip like this.

If you would like to stop receiving these emails, we'll send you the DVD version of the Heathrow Ward Deacons Quorum's performance of Hamlet.


  1. " ... the diverse group of church members we met ..."

    *Sigh* So true to reality.

    Another faith-validating experience completely ruins what should have been a fun time. LOL! I'll tell you what, every time I read your blog I have shudder-inducing flashbacks. Dead-on satire.

    I hope you had a wonderful time, Donna!

  2. I hope your visit to the UK was fantastic, Donna!

    When I read satire like this, I think to myself, "This HAS to be an exaggeration." However, when folks like Cognitive Dissenter reveal how dead-on it is, I shudder too.

  3. CD and Ahab, thanks for your good wishes. I did have a great time, and it was so nice to see my daughter. CD, I hope you had a good time in Iowa.

    It is scary how some Mormons are terrified of the most welcoming places (like London) unless they are surrounded by other Mormons. Also that they insist on attending church. I shuddered when I walked by that LDS church near Hyde Park Corner last week. I've got a friend who spent 3 hours of her vacation time inside there instead of listening to the street speakers or walking around the Serpentine. (To each is own, sigh.)

  4. I'm not qualified to say how dead-on your post is as satire, Donna, but it's certainly dead-on as humor. If you were a basketball player, you'd be pro and never benched.

  5. This really is dead-on Donna. I toured NYC with my TBM sister and she totally freaked out over a bunch of Frenchmen celebrating something-or-other outside their embassy. She said she felt a "bad spirit" and made us leave.

  6. Paul -- I'm not worthy! Thank you.

    JZ, OMG, she felt a "bad spirit." Haven't heard that in ages -- sure brings back memories! (gag)