Thursday, June 16, 2011

Tolerance 101 -- For Mormons

To: Abbottsville Stake Single Adults
From: Ricky and Mindy Foote, Stake Single Adult Leaders
Subject: Come to our next super special ACTIVITY!!! . . . or else.

Hey there, you single boys and girls. As you all know, after the prophet's admonition to LDS Singles who are having too much fun, President Knightly decided to reinstate the Stake Single Adults program. And what does that make Mindy and I?


We want nothing more than for all of you to join the ranks of the happiest of happily marrieds as well, because nothing's too good for a group that includes my former seminary teacher, Mindy's old high school principal, Sister Post who helped me earn my Duty to Country badge, and, of course, Mom.

But before we get into the details of the upcoming super fun event, President Knightly has asked that you all read the following:
Latter-day Saints have been blessed with revealed truths regarding families that remain unknown to the world at large. For example, we know that dividing up chores makes housekeeping easier, canoeing together is fun, and little kids are really really cute. We also know that our specific gender roles, as defined in THE FAMILY: A PROCLAMATION TO THE WORLD, are woven into the very fabric of the universe. Accordingly, it is our sacred duty to marry and raise families. Any of us who shirk this obligation ensure not only their own damnation, but also assist in the downfall of society as we know it. 
Lately too many Latter-day Saints are opting out of having kids, pursuing "alternative lifestyles," and putting off marriage to have too much fun. It seems that members of our church have turned a deaf ear to the Brethren and are instead listening to the liberal media, a false and selfish source that sends out messages like:
"You're special."
"Do your own thing."
"You deserve to be happy."
These sentiments are in direct opposition to our inspired General Authorities, who know that you're nothing special, expect you to do their thing, and in return believe you deserve zip.
Another selfish trend driven by the media is an over-emphasis on something they call "tolerance." Unfortunately, the definition of "tolerance" has shifted over the years. Until recently in our national history, tolerance referred to racial and religious non-discrimination -- things that God changed his mind about in the 1970's. The Brethren have no problem with that. In fact the LDS Church preaches tolerance. It is important that people listen to other points of view, appreciate cultural differences, and, above all, take care not to impose their views on others.
Unless, of course, THEY'RE RIGHT! 
As the General Authorities obviously are.
Remember that tolerance is secondary to the higher virtue of love. Indeed, Jesus loves all of His children unconditionally. Except for those He can't tolerate. For example:
People who pick out their own underwear
Single adults
History buffs
Working mothers
Men with pierced ears
-- A full list of those Jesus can't tolerate has been condensed into a 175MB PDF file and can be downloaded off the church website. -- But in short, the only tolerable Latter-day Saint is married in the temple, active in the church, pays his tithing, has at least four kids, protests gay marriage, votes Republican, and has no tolerance for anyone who doesn't do all of the above.
In the name of Jesus Christ, amen.

Okey-Dokey boys and girls, after reading that I bet you're really anxious to come to our super fun activity -- and guess what -- it's a LUAU!! That's right kids, I'm brushing up on my Don Ho repertoire as we speak. Mindy's mixed up a big vat of poi. Also she's stringing you all some super cute puka shell necklaces out of frosted Cheerios. So dig out your Hawaiian shirts and hula skirts, dust off your ukuleles, and get ready to drink the requisite kool-aid.

If you would like to stop receiving these emails, the Footes will be dropping by your house to perform their rendition of "Tiny Bubbles."


  1. LMAO. That list of people "Jesus" can't tolerate ... bullseye. I'm sure "critical thinkers" is somewhere on the pdf. file.

  2. Oh dear ... I'm several items on the list of things Jesus can't tolerate!

  3. CD and Ahab, I think you guys probably ought to blow off Jesus as a friend. Don't invite him to your next party.

  4. "Jesus hates you this we know! For Jesus just told you so!"

    Obviously I've been listening to too much of that evil Book of Mormon soundtrack.

  5. Steve, me too -- lol -- "I can't believe Jesus called me a dick!"

  6. This is hilarious stuff. If I weren't LDS i wouldn't know where the falsehoods end and the truth begins.

    I suppose that is the intent of this blog.

  7. Dale, thanks! I know I have great material.